Worrisome Flags


Those of you who’ve been reading for a while know I’m a very sex positive, open minded, equality promoting kind of guy.  That might seem contradictory to some of the BDSM behaviors I’ve picked up over the years but it’s not, and that’s something that took me some time to learn and be comfortable with.  My goal has always been to give my partner a good time, bondage, dominance, and everything else are just tools in my tool box for giving her what she wants.  I get out of it what she gets out of it.  It’s never been about me or my desires, it’s about what I can do for her.  Makes sense?

Now, I know that my perspective is not universal to BDSM, nor is it exclusive.  There’s a very wide range of types of people and situations in the BDSM community, most of which are perfectly healthy but others that are a bit too extreme for me.  As long as it’s consensual (emphasis on consensual), than I try not to judge.  To each their own.  But sometimes I see situations that look far from healthy.  That’s one of the reasons I encourage women who are interested in the BDSM scene to find an experienced woman with similar interests to show her the ropes, help keep her safe.  There are definitely some people (guys mostly) that get into the BDSM scene to “validate” abusive relationships and interests, they aren’t “abusive” they’re “kinky”… but abuse is abuse and should be pursued legally no matter where it shows up.

Okay, so you’ve got a very thorough explanation of where I fall on the kink spectrum.  I’m exactly as kinky as my partner and only go as far as she enjoys.  Her having a good time is what’s arousing to me.  She is always the priority, even if she’s tied up and getting spanked (because that’s what she wants, not what I want).

You also know that I’ve been dipping into the Craigslist world to see if I can find a playmate for the months leading up to my move later this year.

Well, last week I got this email response to one of my posts (lightly edited to protect anonymity):

Hello! We are a FWB couple that have been together for XXXX years.  She is a nasty Asian mixed cum slut that is into being dominated and bondage. Both DDF, disease free.  I would like to share her with you for the remaining time you are here.

Our email address is: XXXX

Bob and Sierra

 

Yeah, hopefully you anticipate some of the issues I have with that message, because there’s nothing in here that sounds good to me.

First, you don’t call someone that you’ve been together with for XXXX years a nasty cum slut.  Now, I know there are plenty of people who get off on being called things like that.  I don’t have a problem with these kind of put downs if they’re part of consensual fun between two adults… But that’s something unique to their relationship, not with strangers on the internet.

Let me put it like this, if my partner wanted to be called a “c$m guzzling, sl*tty bitch” I could call her that behind closed doors, just like tying her up or spanking her, because that’s what gets her going.  HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, I would never call her that to someone else, especially a stranger.  Respecting her wishes, giving her what she wants, not a problem… but showing her disrespect in public is NOT cool (unless it’s somehow explicitly tied into our game, like at a “munch” or something where people understand the dynamic).  Already, the disrespect the writer is showing his “partner” is a total turn off.

Second, he’s writing, not her.  My whole philosophy is female-centric, giving her what she wants is what gets me going.  That she isn’t writing already makes this whole thing borderline already.  Why is he writing instead of her?  Maybe she’s not into this side of their relationship, maybe she doesn’t have a choice, maybe she’s not being given much choice?  Or maybe this is part of their dynamic, more owner-object than partnership.  But still, none of that appeals to me either.

Third, as if the first two weren’t enough (they were), the line “I would like to share her with you…”.  Further emphasizing that this is about him, not her.  He would like to share her… like she were a pair of lucky socks or some tupperware containers.  That attitude disgusts me.

Now, before I go any further, I’m not judging people that are into those kinds of behaviors.  Different kink for different folks.  I’m just talking about this specific email and the things I see in it that bother me.

If she were emailing me about how she wants to get used in the bedroom, that would be one thing.  Or if both of them were messaging me, that would be something else.  Or if he’d started out respectfully and we had some dialogue before he got explicit.  But him putting her down, emailing to offer her?  That’s different.

Pretty much everything I see in this email is flag toward an unhealthy BDSM relationship.  Well, actually they aren’t even in a relationship, he says they’re just FWB.  And, as a FWB, he’s comfortable offering to share her with strangers online, all while showing complete disregard for her.  Her only worth to him is as an object to use… and share, apparently.  And that I’m not cool with.  At all.

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Men and Breakups


Last month I mentioned an interesting article I’d read recently.  At the time I didn’t feel like going into it so it was just the preface to a Friday Night Music post.

An excerpt:

The post I was going to originally do was based on this article, “Why Break Ups Hurt More For Women.”

For those too lazy to read the article, it describes how men and women react differently to break ups.  According to the study, women are hurt far more when a relationship ends, then they eventually recover and are generally stronger for the experience.  Compared to men, men are hurt less after the break up but never recover, just move on.

Just reading that summary, you should have some idea where I’m going with this.  I kind of feel like the article and the study missed something.  The title says break ups hurt more for women… but they recover… and are stronger afterwards, men are just kind of a footnote but it says they never get over it.  To me, that begs the question how break ups (some study said we average three by our thirties) affect men long term.  According to the study women would get stronger and stronger, it seems to follow then that men would get weaker and weaker… which is fascinating in many ways.  But they never follow up on that.

Continue reading

Ah, ha! Relationships and anniversaries


I was already pondering this post today about where I am in my head when I made a somewhat amusing observation.  Thirteen years ago today Cat and I got married.  I was thinking back over past relationships and the date popped up on my computer… it took me a moment but the date kept tickling the back of my brain until I realized the connection.  It’s a fine correlation with what I was already circling.

One of the things you might know about me is I’m a bit of a romantic.  I’m nostalgic, I love stories, and I save everything.  I’m not a hoarder but anything that sparks a memory I hang onto, good or bad.  Souvenirs from every relationship are carefully boxed and saved, emails and texts are never deleted.  Hell, I still have the chat conversations with Anne (Not to be confused with Ann) from back in my college days and those are fifteen years old now.  I’ve gotten tattoos were several different girlfriends, a permanent reminder.  In another box I have every notebook I’ve ever written in, poems, journals, story ideas, and more reminders.  It’s one reason that I almost never delete posts on my blogs.  Almost never. Continue reading

Thursday is Friday Night Music – Women that Rock


I had a rough day and wanted to do something fun, and maybe a little bit different, so I decided to do more music tonight.  With the conversations earlier this week I decided to specialize the music selections provided.  Women that rock.  Hell yeah.

I’m a huge fan of female vocalists in all genres and before anyone complains, I’ve had to severely limit the selection because there are just way, way, way, way too many bad ass bands to include them all.  Feel free to make recommendations in the comments, I’ll try to make sure they’re included in further posts.

I also decided to do something a little different this week and provide some new recommendations in the second section.  I pulled a few of my favorites and dug around on some sites to find some modern bands that are definitely worth checking out.

Part 1 – Relatively older stuff that’s still awesome.  And by older I’m limiting myself to rock bands 90’s and later.  If you want to skip these because you’re already familiar with the bands, feel free, but definitely check out the newer recommendations in part 2. Continue reading

A One Sided Debate


Since it seems Curiosetta is unwilling to participate in a discussion, I guess I’ll just post my rebuttal.

First, I’d like to just take a moment and explain why the comments that sparked all this pissed me off so much.  There are some crazy people with extreme views that go around and snipe at people online, usually hiding behind anonymity.  Those trolls are annoying but most readers can look at those comments and see that they’re just crazy and extreme and disregard them.  Those types of trolls don’t bother me, they’re more sad than anything else.

No, the people that bug me are the ones with extreme views that are smart enough to incorporate legitimate issues with bullshit misinformation or ridiculousness.  These people piss me off because when you question them they fall back on the nugget of legitimacy.

I’ll give you an fake example.  “Texting and driving is extremely dangerous.  Only uneducated idiots from Colorado text and drive.”

If someone argues against the inflammatory (and stupid) ‘uneducated idiots from Colorado’ part, the original commentor can pull out stats about how dangerous texting and driving is and obviously anyone who disagrees with them is pro-death.  They’re essentially relying on one part of their argument being close to inarguable to lend legitimacy to their whole statement. Continue reading

Invitation to discuss Manliness


Yesterday I read a good post from Scott K on the blog Atheists on Fishing, Let’s Talk About Manliness pt 1.   In one part he wrote about how there are groups of Men’s Rights Activists (MRA or meninists) that troll the internet preaching borderline anti-feminist (I’m being polite here) comments, memes, and stories.  I’ve seen some of those myself and have next to no respect for them.

Overall, it’s a good post and I’d recommend giving it a read.

Anyway, I ended up in a back and forth with one of the people who commented, Curiosetta.  Rather than go back and forth on a third party’s blog, and since Curiosetta does not have a blog (at least not a public one that I can find), I offered to have a chat here.  I was traveling but I’m back and have a weekend to spend going on and on about those tricky, hard to reach, big important questions about life

So, Curiosetta, here is the soapbox.  Mi casa es su casa.  Hop on and get wild, let us all know what you think.  What are your opinions, ideas, what are your proposals?  And maybe you can start by telling us a little about yourself?

Explicit posts


It seems an appropriate time to write this post as I’ve just received an email from Blogger about their new content guidelines.  (I post on both sites, Blogger and WordPress.  As far as I know, WP policies aren’t changing.)

Blogger:

In the coming weeks, we’ll no longer allow blogs that contain sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video. We’ll still allow nudity presented in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts, or where there are other substantial benefits to the public from not taking action on the content.

The new policy will go into effect on the 23rd of March 2015. After this policy goes into effect, Google will restrict access to any blog identified as being in violation of our revised policy. No content will be deleted, but only blog authors and those with whom they have expressly shared the blog will be able to see the content we’ve made private.

Our records indicate that your account may be affected by this policy change. Please refrain from creating new content that would violate this policy. Also, we ask that you make any necessary changes to your existing blog to comply as soon as possible, so that you won’t experience any interruptions in service. Continue reading

A New Year


I wanted to write about Australia while the memories were still fresh (there’s still more coming) but that means that I’ve put off other posts.  Like New Years.  Usually I avoid those kind of arbitrary milestone posts because on their own they don’t really mean much.  They’re like birthdays, it’s just a number, nothing has really changed from the day before.  This year though, I actually wanted to write.

The beginning of 2014 I was bored, lonely, and indifferent about my life.  Things weren’t all bad but life was dull and without any promising prospects I didn’t have a lot of optimism for the future.  I was just kind of trudging through, surviving day to day.

The end of 2014, December 31st, I was in Australia with Sharn and a few of her friends, drinking and watching the Sydney New Years Eve fireworks on the TV.  Like usual, I did a mental review of the year and was surprised at just how crazy 2014 was.  Most of my year-end reviews don’t have much to comment on but 2014 was different.  There were so many ups and downs and all-arounds.  Good, bad, and just about everything in between. Continue reading

Australia: The way more fun threesome pt 2


I was actually a little nervous going into the threesome with Vivian and B.  Months previously I’d been in a somewhat notorious attempt at a threesome that didn’t turn out very well (I’d link to it but it’s already one of my top viewed posts, sigh).  As if that weren’t enough, I’d never been with more than one woman at a time and we didn’t really discuss anything beforehand, we just jumped into bed.  What was I supposed to/allowed to do?

Whatever, I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about myself at all.  I was going to focus on giving the two ladies a good time and any attention thrown my way was just a bonus.  Besides, there’s little I like more than pleasing women and I had an opportunity to do a lot of pleasing.

No one really took charge as we went into Vivian’s bedroom so I took some initiative.  Me and B were basically already naked from being tied, Vivian still had on her dress.  I got Vivian down on the bed, slid up her dress and got between her legs. Continue reading

Australia: The way more fun threesome pt 1


It was Sunday morning.  Vivian got an early text from B, saying that she was going to swing by for a bit.  Yes, the same B that remarked that I’d looked like Vivian’s bitch the previous day.  The comment didn’t bother me because she hadn’t seen me and Vivian together outside the club.

We all had coffee and a laid back chat.  B and Vivian are frequent playmates and both kinky, so the conversation quickly got dirty.  Her and Vivian talked about how awesome it was to be fisted.  Then Vivian looked at me, turned to B, and remarked at how it would be really awesome to both get fisted at the same time.

Interesting.

Vivian worried for a moment that she’d made me uncomfortable but as far as I was concerned the only thing better than one beautiful, naked woman in Australia was two beautiful, naked women in Australia.  If they wanted to play than I was all for it. Continue reading