I can be an asshole sometimes

I often tell people I’m an asshole, it’s surprising how few people believe that.  I might not be one all the time but I have flashes just like everyone else.

This evening I was having dinner with Stephanie.  She was talking about how videos were more and more common, cameras everywhere.  In some ways that’s pretty awesome, the ability to hold everyone accountable for their actions and record meaningful events.  On the other hand it’s a terrifying, 1984-esque concept.  It led to the following conversation.

Stephanie: “Someday soon we’re all going to be recorded 24/7, all accountability all the time.”

Me: “No way, uh uh.  I’ll move to a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere if we ever reach a situation even close to that.”

(That’s not an uncommon comment from me, I often talk about how I’d rather be a hermit than live in a society I don’t like.  Which is more and more likely every day.)

Stephanie gave me a sly look: “You always picture yourself alone in that cabin or do you see someone else with you?”

I thought about that for a moment before giving her the honest answer:  “Nope, all alone.”

That pretty much ended our almost romantic evening.  No regrets.

Valentines Day – FML

Anyone who’s read this blog for at least a year knows how much I hate Valentines day.  For new readers: I really, really hate Valentines day.

Really, I have nothing good to say about the holiday.  If you’re single than for weeks you’re subjected to all the melodramatic commercials, TV shows, and the couples reveling in their non-singleness.  If you’re a guy in a relationship than you’re expected to “prove” your love with money, gifts, gestures, etc.  Female partners have it fairly easy, they put out and the guy is happy, but he has to solve the riddle of his better half and the stakes are his love life.  He has little to gain and everything to lose.

I’m a romantic but I hate big gestures.  My role model was my dad, who is the absolute king of small, everyday ways to demonstrate his feelings.  He takes care of everything around the house before mom asks, he remembers what she says and supports her in everything she does, he fills Mom’s car with gas, he does all sorts of little nice things to make her feel appreciated.  Of course, he had to be good at those things because he is the embodiment of the strong, silent, stoic type of guy.  He’s not going to write her poetry, sing her a song, or buy her diamonds.  A grand gesture?  His idea of one would be some flowers (maybe) or a humorous card, bringing home something to eat so she doesn’t have to cook, and letting her pick the movie for them to watch on the couch (while jokingly complaining the whole time about how “girly” it is).  My mother forgives his lack of grand romance because he’s constantly doing all the small gestures, she always feels appreciated.

When I’m in a relationship I’m just like my dad, always paying attention and doing the little things to show I care.  Then Valentines day comes along and undermines all my efforts.  It’s a holiday that basically says all the daily attention and affection I give doesn’t mean anything, to “prove” my affection I have to make some grand gesture, preferably by making an ass of myself or spending a lot of money.  Money is it’s own topic, putting a price tag on love makes me want to gag.  I’m like my dad, if you’re with me on Valentines day the most you should expect is some flowers (probably not) a humorous card (does an e-card count?), dinner (fast food), and a romantic movie (that I jokingly complain about).  Does Warm Bodies count?  Is a rom-zom-com romantic enough?

I really hate Valentines day.  If everything goes according to plan I’m going to stay home with a bottle of tequila and Netflix, probably spend all day switching between binge watching Spartacus and porn.  Take that, Hallmark!

Lone Saturday Night

I’m trying really hard not to be bummed out tonight.  It’s not working.  It’s been a long, emotional week with lots of ups and downs.  On any other Friday or Saturday night after a rough week I’d have a couple glasses of wine or a couple beers to dull the edges but this week I decided to abstain.  Completely.

The unfortunate side effect of abstaining is that I’m really, really bored.  I’m bummed out and bored.  I got a ton of errands done today, kept myself pretty busy, but it’s early evening and I have run out of things to occupy my time.  Sure, I could go out… but what evening activity on the weekend doesn’t involve copious amounts of alcohol?  I can even here the band playing at the bar down the block from here.  Ah, the sirens call.

So, I’m sitting in my apartment, alone, listening to my dog huff in her sleep and playing around on the internet.  I hate playing around on the internet.  It makes me feel like I’m a bored, bummed out loser with absolutely no life.  Which only reinforces the fact that I don’t have much of a life right now.

I mean, how much can I masturbate in a single night before I go blind?

Bummed, bored, and blind.

#TeamAJ – Just Friends

This morning I kind of gave Ann an ultimatum.  I felt like we were in relationship limbo and couldn’t stand it anymore.  I told her I wanted to figure out a way to move forward, I was sitting at the negotiating table and needed to know whether she was going to sit down or walk away.  She agreed to talk about it over the phone this evening.  She wrote A short list of desires about what she wants and what she needs.  At the end of the post you can see her internal tug-of-war over the our discussion.

All day I was sweating, I knew what was going to happen.

Ann was going to do the right thing and dump me.

I totally deserved it.  If you read her post My Biggest Heart Break, you’ll know that just before their marriage her ex dumped her, they got back together but she was devastated and she never looked at him the same.  She regretted not listening to her gut and leaving him then, she never wanted to make that mistake again. Continue reading

Retroactive Conversion

I had a long phone call with Ann the other night.  We’re still sorting through injuries, it’s kind of hard to see the forest for the trees right now but we’re talking.

We were trying to figure out why everything was fine then suddenly wasn’t.  I went from 0-60 almost immediately.  There wasn’t any build up, where did it come from?  There weren’t any warning signs, it was like the ground just dropped out from under my feet.

I didn’t communicate better because it caught me off guard as much as it did her.  So, we’re trying to understand it.

Basically, I was completely fine with where we were until she went out with another guy (do I need to remind you that it’s not about sex?).   There were a hundred little things over the previous month but I was okay with them, they were completely understandable and acceptable at the time.  I thought we had a solid foundation, rationale, and everything made sense.  Then, suddenly it didn’t. Continue reading

Rough few days

Probably the most interesting part of yesterday was seeing the various commentary on different posts.  There are quite a few people who seem really eager to paint me with a variety of vulgar colors.  Some of them even quoted parts of my posts and tried to analyze me.  Most believe that the sex was the problem… which indicates their one dimensional outlook on relationships and a complete ignorance of most everything I’ve written.

So, let me make this abundantly clear IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.

Let me put it this way, our relationship status is a perfect analogy;  Ann open, me closed.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Continue reading

Post Visiting Ann: The relationship talk

One of the things on our “To Do” list for my visit with Ann was to have the relationship talk.  Yeah… I wasn’t really looking forward to that one.

Ann and I have a problem, none of the general relationship statuses work for the two of us.  Monogamous, non monogamous, polyamorous, etc. No matter what we tried someone was going to start chaffing.

Open – At our distance, open makes sense and that’s what Ann needs right now.  I’m fine with open but Ann was really hurt when I went out during our open phase, which was why we switched to closed until my August visit.

Closed – A closed relationship at a distance?  Yeah, that could be problematic.  I can do closed but Ann just got out of a rough, 15 year marriage and needs her freedom.

Uneven – Ann open, me closed.  During my marriage, I was cheated on several times.  I need an honest, up front and even relationship. Continue reading

Cat and too much history

I’ve written a bit about the open marriage with Cat and how it was the best two years of the marriage.  Well, whenever I write about it I get the inevitable question;

“If it was so great, why did you end up getting divorced?”

That’s a great question, it really is, and not one that is simple to answer.

During the open period Cat and I might have been able to get along, trust each other again, be happy and healthy, but ultimately our shared history was too much to overcome.

When you first meet someone they’re like a blank canvas, full of potential, one big mystery.  Each experience with that person adds something to the canvas.  Nothing is ever removed from the painting, good or bad, it’s there forever. You can’t take back memories. When you have mostly positive experiences the collage is bright and colorful.  When you have mostly bad experiences the collage is darker.

collage s Continue reading

The Open Marriage – Cat 3

Continued from Cat pt 1 and Cat pt 2.  Actually, it’s kind of a side note to the second post, before the divorce.

cat s

The years that Cat and I were in an open relationship were two of the best years of our marriage.  The communication and the honesty were so much better.  We were so much happier together, so much more comfortable… and you know what?  The sex was way better too.

Yes, in the open relationship the sex was the best sex of our marriage.  We had more sex when we were newlyweds but we were young then, when we went into the open marriage we had eight years of practice together.  Almost the same quantity but the quality was way, way better.

Cat’s an exceptionally flirty, sexual person that thrived on attention.  But that outward sexuality was misleading, it was the attention she wanted not the sex.

You see, when we’d gotten married Cat had never had an orgasm.  She’d been sexually active for a while but had some awkward experiences and couldn’t get comfortable enough to actually cum.  She would think too much, be too self-conscious to relax and enjoy it.

We worked on her issues with sex together.  It took almost two years before Cat could reliably orgasm during sex or oral.  But even then she had to be really relaxed and she needed to be stimulated in exactly the right ways.  Seriously, like down to the exact angles and speeds.  If the sex didn’t hit the all the perfect marks at exactly the right time she couldn’t orgasm.

Yeah, she needed to be really comfortable with her partner and had to have all the right buttons pushed… picking up some random dude at the bar wasn’t going to do much for her except maybe boost her ego and her odds of getting an STD.

During our open relationship Cat would often go out.  At the bar she would be a total tease, leading on half a dozen guys at a time, letting them get a glimpse of cleavage or legs while playing pool.  They’d buy her drinks left and right, drooling over how lucky they were going to get.  Each one of the dozen thought they were going to get laid that night.. until she grabbed the taxi home, alone.

She could have gone home with one of those other dudes but why would she want to?  She had fun, drank, danced and got all the attention she wanted.  And she knew she could come home to a safe, reliable place and a guy that knew exactly what she needed in the bedroom to get off.

It was a pretty sweet deal for me.  I’d be sitting on the couch with a beer and practically get jumped as soon as she walked in.  Or if it was too late, I’d get woken up by her hands on my cock.  She’d already be aroused from being hit on all night and playing the tease, I could just sit back and enjoy the fruits of all those guy’s labor.  And their money.  None of the work but all of the reward.

There were times that she dated guys and slept with them, but judging from how often she still jumped into the sack with me they couldn’t hit the right spots.  Granted, I’d had eight years of practice, so how could they compete?

Yes, the open relationship was pretty awesome.  There were a few months when I was sleeping with three different women, Cat and two others.  I didn’t do one night stands so I was I basically had three FWBs.  Lots of sex at home, lots of sex outside of the home, pretty sweet all around.  That was actually when I started blogging, back in 2009.

Wow, 2009.  It’s crazy to think I’ve been blogging for five years.  Holy shit.  Granted, there were a couple years where I only put up a few posts, but I’ve written over 150,000 words on Id’s Redbook.  I’ve done a lot of growing in that time period.  It’s actually kind of amusing for me to go back and read those early years and see how things have changed since then.  Crazy.  I was a much dirtier guy back then, way more self absorbed (it’s hard to believe that’s possible, I know).

If you’re curious about those early, less enlightened years you can pop over to http://idsredbook.blogspot.com/


The Open Marriage – Cat 2

Continued from Cat pt 1.

So, Cat and I were on opposite coasts and had decided to have an open marriage.  It wasn’t my idea, it wasn’t what I wanted, but I didn’t feel like I had much choice in the matter.

The first few months on the new coast were really difficult for me.  I was thousands of miles away from my daughter and broken emotionally, financially and mentally.  As bad as it would have been anyway, it was worse because Cat now had “permission” to date other guys and was having a great time back in Georgia.  I knew because every time we talked on the phone there was a different male voice in the background.

After a couple months though, I kind of got my mental shit together.  I couldn’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself, I needed to try and move forward with my life.  I started working out, drinking less and taking better care of myself.  I began to feel a little better.  Feeling better made me more confident.  Confidence and the working out started to turn some female heads. Continue reading