When it rains… pt 2


(You can read part one here.  Quick summary: I slept with my best friend, Stephanie, while she was visiting, might have messed up that relationship.)

After I broke up with Stephanie last year I realized I wasn’t in a place for relationships.  Mentally, emotionally… with the impending move and everything, I just couldn’t do it.

But I didn’t want to be celibate either.

Enter Jane. Continue reading

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Just Another Night


So, I have a bunch of stuff I should probably write about, I’ve even started several posts, but I just had an interesting experience and I want to write about it.

Tonight was my first philosophy class.  Woohoo, I know.  It’s really cool that I got back into school.  Anyway, the class didn’t start until late so I didn’t get back home until late.

I pulled into my parking spot about ten o’clock at night.  As I walked toward the apartment building I noticed that there was a light on in the car beside mine.  It wasn’t a big light, it was almost invisible from outside the car, it was one of the little ones for the back seat in a sedan, but it was definitely on.

Now, I don’t know where you grew up, so what I’m about to say might sound weird, but in my home town if you see something like that you make sure to say something about it.  Where I’m from, a dead car battery is, no shit, a life or death situation.  And with the cold temperatures, someone leaving their headlights on (or dome lights, or whatever) can kill a battery way faster than you might think.  Sometimes it only takes ten minutes and the car won’t start.

But where I live now it’s definitely not a life or death situation.

I hesitated, I’ll admit it.  It was late at night, I didn’t know those neighbors, and most modern cars have circuits that will turn off lights before the battery dies.

((A quick side note: the reason I don’t know these neighbors is because they’re renters that just moved in.  That unit has a really high turn over rate.))

I only hesitated for a moment though.

Now, nobody likes having a stranger show up on their doorstep after 10 o’clock at night.  I know that.  I also know what’s worse than having a stranger show up after 10 o’clock is having a big, strange, white dude with a shaved head and tattoos show up.  (What made it slightly easier for me was I’d just come from class and was dressed nicely, a polo shirt instead of my usual black T.)

Another relevant detail, while we live in a gated apartment complex the neighborhood outside gets pretty sketchy when the sun goes down.  We all lock our doors.

So, with all that in mind, I struck a pose as submissive and apologetic as I could and knocked on the neighbor’s door.  This is America, I assume everyone has a gun.  And, honestly, I’m one of the most easy going dudes you’ll ever meet but if I was home with my family and some stranger knocked on the door after 10 I’d be tempted to answer with gun behind my back.  So, as the person knocking, I want to try and put whoever answers the door to ease as quick as I can.

A very cautious, young, black woman answered.  Now, I knew that the reinforced screen door (“bad” neighborhood) was locked because I tried to open it so I could knock when I realized they didn’t have a door bell, so I wasn’t surprised when she opened the inner door but made no motion towards the outer door.  Smart woman.

From her body language I’m sure she was alone.

I quickly apologized for interrupting her evening and explained that there was a light on in her car.  She looked like she was still in shock over having a white dude on her porch, either that or she thought I was trying to pull something over on her, so I ended up explaining the car-light-battery thing a couple times.

It was a very quick conversation.  When I was sure she understood what I was talking about I said good night and turned to leave.

I was listening for it, she didn’t leave her apartment to check the car until I was halfway to my place.  She wasn’t going to step outside until she was sure I wasn’t anywhere near her door.  Smart girl.

Now, part of me found this whole thing totally ridiculous and at the same time totally justifiable.  It’s almost hard to explain.

I was trying to do this family a favor… but I was scared I might get shot for being a strange dude knocking at night… and she’s scared because there’s a strange dude knocking at night.  (The Luis C.K. joke comes to mind, “Men are the worst thing that ever happened to women.”)

For both of our safety we have to do this established dance.  I make sure I leave at least an arms length between me and the door so I’m not in their face immediately, keep my hands visible, communicate clearly and make no moves that might be taken as too assertive or aggressive.  For her part, keeping a locked door between me and her, making sure she didn’t leave any openings or vulnerabilities, waiting for me to leave before opening the door, etc.

I mean, those are the kinds of practical precautions that I would teach my son or daughter – for both sides of the situation.  I did what I could to keep a potentially tense situation from escalating, she answered the door but took practical precautions.  It makes sense.

And yet, at the same time, it’s really kind of ridiculous that a two second favor requires that dance.  It seems silly but I can’t think of an easy alternative.  Ridiculous but justifiable.

Just had to share.

 

Gimmicky BS


I wasn’t planning on writing anything tonight but I’m so pissed off and disappointed that I needed to get this out before bed.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned it here but I’m a big fan of The Walking Dead.  It’s literally the only show I watch on TV each week.  Or, at least it was.

**Spoilers ahead, kind of**

This last season has been a fucking circus of shitty writing, bad directing, and idiotic characters.

What drew me to the show in the first place was the quality of the writing.  They didn’t play to the lowest common denominator, it was dramatic but also thematic and smart.  You cared for the characters, which was why you tuned in every week to see what happened to them.  And the characters were consistent.  They might make dumb choices sometimes but they made sense in that moment.

But this season they traded all the quality and smarts for bigger explosions and gimmicks.  Rather than the plot being driven by necessity (as it has been for much of the story, based around surviving), it’s being carried by supposedly smart survivors making stupid decisions and getting themselves into deep shit.  Over and over.

(A couple examples real quick.  Rick outsmarts and traps the Terminus gang that’s stalking them a couple seasons ago, fucking clever and unexpected.  But this episode walks over and over into a massive trap set up by Negan?  Or Daryl being stupid and suddenly losing all his ninja skills in the woods, getting caught by Dwight… twice.  How many times have these ‘badass survivors’ been trapped or captured this season?)

As fans, we already care about the characters.  That’s why we watch and why the show has been #1 for so long.

So, why have the producers and writers stooped to idiocy and cheap tricks?  Because the writing has gone so far down hill.  Good writing hooks an audience into the story and the characters, no tricks needed.

It reminds me of Jurassic World, which is really fucking sad (wrote a scathing review here).  If you take away the dumb decisions and you don’t have a story then your writing is crap.  Anything else is just excuses.  Sorry Gimple and Kirkman, but your explanations on The Talking Dead rang hollow and LAME.

Shit was bad enough with Glenn’s “death”, leaving all of us hanging for a month without knowing what happened.  Blatant emotional manipulation, intentionally bad camera angles and a poor explanation.

But this?  The end of this season?  This is fucking bullshit.  It’s gimmicky, cheap, manipulative bullshit.  There were two soft, fluffy, wussy episodes leading up to… what?  A mystery ending that won’t be resolving for six fucking months?  We deserve better.  This is not the show that most of us fell in love with.  They took a quality show with good writing, good ratings and reduced it some soap opera style, cliffhanger, #WhoIsIt bullshit.

If some other show did this than they’d have a massive, furious audience that would be leaving in droves, but because this show is already a behemoth they’ll probably get away with it.  That’s sad.  I really hope that enough fans are pissed that this cheap shit will stop… but it probably won’t.  Just like Jurassic World.

If this is what we have to look ‘forward’ to in Season 7 then I’m done.  There’s enough crappy programming on TV already, I don’t need this.  I never thought I would say it about TWD, but it’s rapidly joining the ranks of average, shitty shows… that I don’t watch.  It’s saddening, depressing and frustrating to see something so loved fall so far.

Sorry Devon


About two weeks ago I got a very nice email from a reader through my Contact page:

Hi There,
I happened across your blog yesterday and have been reading voraciously
ever since….what can I say it’s been a slow couple of days 😉 I wanted to
compliment you on
1. the quality of your writing. I have been by turns, inclined toward
introspection, brought to tears, laughed uproariously, aroused to raunchy
musings, and impressed by your taste in music! Well played Sir, well played.
2. Your ability to bare your soul, and ask yourself the difficult questions.
3. Your genuine love and appreciation for women despite the difficult
situations you’ve been through.
So, that is all. I feel like some odd sort of groupie now, but wanted to
share my appreciation.
Best of luck with, erm life I suppose?
Devon

So, that gave me a big smile.  I don’t write specifically for an audience, I write because I love to and need to, but it’s always, always nice to hear from someone who enjoyed reading.  I’d also wondered why my stats had jumped so high for one day.

Unfortunately, the email got lost in my inbox until recently.

I replied… or I tried to.

Hey Devon,

Apologies for the slow reply.  Somehow I missed the contact email from
WordPress until I was cleaning out my inbox today.

First off, thanks for reading and then writing to me.  When I started the
blog it was just a confidante, I didn’t really see any benefit except for
having an outlet to vent my feelings.  But over time I’ve come to
appreciate the community of writers and readers out there.  It seems almost
silly in this day of 140 character tweets, but being able to write in-depth
posts is such an important aspect of reaching real connection with people.
There isn’t really a short cut to building that rapport.

That said, it’s a lot of work to keep up with a blog, so it’s always a
boost to hear from someone who’s enjoyed it.  That’s what keeps us going.
I’m so glad that you liked what you read, I’ll attempt to keep it up and
hopefully you’ll enjoy future posts as much.

-Johnny

PS: And don’t be a stranger.  There’s a lot of cool people and good writers
that hang out in this digital dive bar.  Grab a seat, join the
conversation.  You never know what might come of it.

For some reason my reply was returned as “Undeliverable”.

So, Devon, if you’re reading this I did try to reply and I do appreciate hearing from you.  If you’re still around, hit me up again.

Worrisome Flags


Those of you who’ve been reading for a while know I’m a very sex positive, open minded, equality promoting kind of guy.  That might seem contradictory to some of the BDSM behaviors I’ve picked up over the years but it’s not, and that’s something that took me some time to learn and be comfortable with.  My goal has always been to give my partner a good time, bondage, dominance, and everything else are just tools in my tool box for giving her what she wants.  I get out of it what she gets out of it.  It’s never been about me or my desires, it’s about what I can do for her.  Makes sense?

Now, I know that my perspective is not universal to BDSM, nor is it exclusive.  There’s a very wide range of types of people and situations in the BDSM community, most of which are perfectly healthy but others that are a bit too extreme for me.  As long as it’s consensual (emphasis on consensual), than I try not to judge.  To each their own.  But sometimes I see situations that look far from healthy.  That’s one of the reasons I encourage women who are interested in the BDSM scene to find an experienced woman with similar interests to show her the ropes, help keep her safe.  There are definitely some people (guys mostly) that get into the BDSM scene to “validate” abusive relationships and interests, they aren’t “abusive” they’re “kinky”… but abuse is abuse and should be pursued legally no matter where it shows up.

Okay, so you’ve got a very thorough explanation of where I fall on the kink spectrum.  I’m exactly as kinky as my partner and only go as far as she enjoys.  Her having a good time is what’s arousing to me.  She is always the priority, even if she’s tied up and getting spanked (because that’s what she wants, not what I want).

You also know that I’ve been dipping into the Craigslist world to see if I can find a playmate for the months leading up to my move later this year.

Well, last week I got this email response to one of my posts (lightly edited to protect anonymity):

Hello! We are a FWB couple that have been together for XXXX years.  She is a nasty Asian mixed cum slut that is into being dominated and bondage. Both DDF, disease free.  I would like to share her with you for the remaining time you are here.

Our email address is: XXXX

Bob and Sierra

 

Yeah, hopefully you anticipate some of the issues I have with that message, because there’s nothing in here that sounds good to me.

First, you don’t call someone that you’ve been together with for XXXX years a nasty cum slut.  Now, I know there are plenty of people who get off on being called things like that.  I don’t have a problem with these kind of put downs if they’re part of consensual fun between two adults… But that’s something unique to their relationship, not with strangers on the internet.

Let me put it like this, if my partner wanted to be called a “c$m guzzling, sl*tty bitch” I could call her that behind closed doors, just like tying her up or spanking her, because that’s what gets her going.  HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, I would never call her that to someone else, especially a stranger.  Respecting her wishes, giving her what she wants, not a problem… but showing her disrespect in public is NOT cool (unless it’s somehow explicitly tied into our game, like at a “munch” or something where people understand the dynamic).  Already, the disrespect the writer is showing his “partner” is a total turn off.

Second, he’s writing, not her.  My whole philosophy is female-centric, giving her what she wants is what gets me going.  That she isn’t writing already makes this whole thing borderline already.  Why is he writing instead of her?  Maybe she’s not into this side of their relationship, maybe she doesn’t have a choice, maybe she’s not being given much choice?  Or maybe this is part of their dynamic, more owner-object than partnership.  But still, none of that appeals to me either.

Third, as if the first two weren’t enough (they were), the line “I would like to share her with you…”.  Further emphasizing that this is about him, not her.  He would like to share her… like she were a pair of lucky socks or some tupperware containers.  That attitude disgusts me.

Now, before I go any further, I’m not judging people that are into those kinds of behaviors.  Different kink for different folks.  I’m just talking about this specific email and the things I see in it that bother me.

If she were emailing me about how she wants to get used in the bedroom, that would be one thing.  Or if both of them were messaging me, that would be something else.  Or if he’d started out respectfully and we had some dialogue before he got explicit.  But him putting her down, emailing to offer her?  That’s different.

Pretty much everything I see in this email is flag toward an unhealthy BDSM relationship.  Well, actually they aren’t even in a relationship, he says they’re just FWB.  And, as a FWB, he’s comfortable offering to share her with strangers online, all while showing complete disregard for her.  Her only worth to him is as an object to use… and share, apparently.  And that I’m not cool with.  At all.

Domesticity


I had a dream last night that got me thinking and a little nostalgic this morning.  Not in some “the old days were so great” kind of way, but there are things I used to have that I do miss.

In the dream I was staying at a very isolated, backwoods motel in the middle of the woods.  It was an old place that looked like it hadn’t been updated in forever with an attached restaurant.  At first I was investigating some weirdness in the area but “fell” for one of the young women working at the place (it was family run, she was probably in her early 20’s), she was one of those people who you’re just instantly comfortable with and the dream shifted to focus on her.  She was sexy but the dream wasn’t sexual, if that makes sense.  We spent a lot of time in the restaurant and in the dining area, talking, walking together, touching.

I could go into more detail, the rest of the dream was pretty strange and might make a good story someday, but when I woke up it was the comfort level with the woman that I really stuck with me. Continue reading

Home again, home again


Almost as soon as I heard about the craziness back home (mentioned in the previous post, Off to a bad start) I was looking for plane tickets.  Thankfully, work has been light so far this year and getting two weeks off after the holidays wasn’t such a hard sell to my bosses.

I haven’t written much about Jane, my recent FWB, I’ll have to catch up on that later, but we’d been seeing each other since Thanksgiving (which was only about a month, in hindsight).  A few days before the trip I got a text that would normally send a chill down my spine, “We need to talk.”   Continue reading

Off to a bad start


For the last few days I’ve been working a bit on a tongue-in-cheek New Years post.  It was going to be an update but generally just silly, stupid stuff.  I was trying to start off the new year with something at least a little upbeat.

Yeah, that post got derailed today.  I got a call from a family member that was unexpected.  I’m not going to go into any details, I don’t talk about other people here, but someone close ended up in the hospital.  Don’t ask for anything more specific, I won’t answer.

It’s bad though. Continue reading

I’m not a nice guy anymore


I’ve realized something over the last… year, I guess.  I’m not a nice guy anymore.  

Depending on how long you’ve been following me that might not make much sense, but for most of my life I was the absolute, stereotypical, boy scout, “nice guy”.  I was the first to forgive pretty much anything.  Easy going?  I was a pushover.  Second chances?  Hell, lets push it to fourth or fifth chances.  I had friends, girlfriends and regular acquaintances that treated me like shit and I put up with it.  Wasn’t forgiving them, being there for them when they needed it the important thing?  I let the whole world lean on me, I took care of everyone else.

I’ve actually written about bits and pieces of this over the years as the nice guy act broke down.  About how I was pushing off my issues by trying to help other people with theirs, but that’s only part of the problem.  I think the larger part has to do with my appalling lack of self worth during those years. Continue reading

Alcohol leads to…


Like most people I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol.  Usually when I’m drinking I love it, while the hate is usually reserved for the next morning.

It also sometimes means I don’t always remember what was so fun about the night before.

This weekend I decided to have a ‘me’ day, just drinking and playing video games.  Stephanie, not having any plans, decided to hang out too.  I didn’t have a problem with that, the whole ‘friends’ thing has been working out pretty well so far.  As long as she didn’t care that I planned on getting blasted.

Continue reading