My past fucks me up

Last night I realized how fucked up I am because of past relationships.

Now, before I continue, I want to be clear that I’m not accusing Ann of anything, just using this text as an example to show a little bit about exactly how fucked up I am.

Ann-“Sorry about not being in touch last night. My phone died before midnight and my portable charger didn’t work. Friend 1’s doesn’t work here and Friend 2 had left “early”.  We were out dancing until 3am.”

Now, most people probably read the actual words, but this is how my brain reads it:

“Was out with the girls last night, met some guys and danced until 1 am.  Then had sex for two hours.  He just left and I’m writing now so you don’t get suspicious.” Continue reading

Conscious Celibacy

A couple recent posts got me thinking about mental health and sex.  The Woman Invisible was part of the inspiration.

Sex can be a wonderful, enriching experience, but only if you’re in the right place for it mentally.  I think any issues or problems can only be magnified once sex gets added.

Sometimes sex is like a band aid, a quick fix to feel better, but it doesn’t address the underlying problems.  Other times, sex directly adds drama and stress to the situation, further complicating things.

Why do I think all this?  Because I wasn’t in a good place, had problems, and ended up making the conscious decision not to date until I was better.  It made a huge difference in my life.

During the two years of open marriage and the divorce I did a lot of sleeping around.  For about six months I was sleeping with Cat and had two girlfriends.  It was all about sex all the time.

It was a blast.

But it was also pretty damaging. Continue reading

A Truly Loving Relationship

This is something I’ve been working on for weeks.  The concepts are difficult to articulate but I think it’s finally come together.

There are three different concepts that are inextricably intertwined in relationships in our society.  The terminologies might be different, but the ideas and points are all very similar… and all very wrong.  The misconceptions around these points ruin many relationships and blind us to opportunities that might lead to a happier life.



Most people don’t realize that possession plays such a large role in our romantic lives.  We don’t consciously think, “She moved in with me, that pussy is mine now,” but subconsciously that’s exactly what we think.  It’s what we expect.  In a serious relationship we believe that we own our significant other and that they own us.  This is even more obvious during marriage ceremonies where two partners vow their body, their mind and their lives to be together… forever.  That partner has “rights” to their spouse’s body.  If that spouse cheats, the other partner reacts like a first grader that just had their toy taken away; “No!  That’s mine!  I don’t wanna share!”

Jealousy is the direct result of feeling ownership over another human being, not wanting to share.

possession s Continue reading

Sex Advice

Has anyone else noticed that most sex advice columns are total bullshit?  Sure, they might sound like they have a clue what they’re talking about, but once you dig a little bit you realize they’re full of shit and just regurgitating the same advice they read on another bullshit site.

For example, (I’ve chopped it down for readability without changing the content too much, you can verify by reading the original here.  I’m not calling out that site specifically, but this type of advice. **Edit, the site has since been removed but I’m too lazy to find another bullshit sex advice column and they’re pretty much all the same anyway**.) here is some advice provided on an actual relationship and sex advice blog here on WordPress:

Ways to spice up your now boring sex life:

1. Dress up. It is so fun to dress up and get into character. Be creative and daring. You have the maid, cops and robber, dirty teacher, sexy stripper, handyman, etc. 

2. Candles and bubbles. You and your partner can take a nice cozy bubble bath with candles throughout the bathroom. 

3. Games.  Playing games in the bedroom is another way to bring some excitement and fun into the relationship.  There are sexy adult games in adult novelty stores or you can make up your own.

Ok, those don’t sound so terrible, do they?  Those tips might help a bored couple spice up their sex life, right?  Then why am I saying that advice is retarded?  Because it is. Continue reading

Why Polyamory Fascinates Me

When I was a youngster, hearing about polyamorous relationships would probably have freaked me out.  But as an older, and much wiser man, now I find them quite fascinating.  That’s not to say that I want to be in one, just that I think they might have the potential to be some of the best relationships.


Stick with me on that, I’ll explain.

Cat and I got married young, early twenties.  I was in the military, spending lots of time away from home and she ended up cheating on me.  A lot.  Part of me doesn’t blame her, because I’m not sure how I would have acted were the tables reversed.

I could go into the various mental and emotional difficulties that the cheating caused, but that’s not the point.  Most of those emotions and difficulties stemmed from not feeling like I could trust my partner.  She was saying one thing, doing another, and every time she walked out that door I didn’t really know what she was doing.  Is she going to the gym, or is she “going to the gym”?

That kind of doubt is like poison, it seeps into every little bit of the relationship and your life.  If you can’t trust your spouse, then the whole world is one big unreliable and scary place. Continue reading

Cougar Hunting

Not too long ago, I pondered my dating experience.  I was trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong, why nothing I tried seemed to work out.

All the chicks I’d been dating were young, fun, sexy, smart (some more so than others, unfortunately), but they were also fucking crazy.  Either they wanted babies, or to change me, or marriage, or bar hopping every night, or wanted to mess my life up as bad as they have theirs.

It was making me question my sanity.  I mean, if every chick I date is nuts, maybe I’m actually the crazy one and everyone else is normal.  Maybe they should be setting me up for the padded room for thinking I should be able to find a quiet, confident, sane, mature, smart, sexy woman.  Am I setting my standards impossibly high?  Should I settle for a fucked up chick instead of whiling away the hours writing on a stupid blog, that no one reads, about things that very few people think is entertaining?

And then I thought about it some more and realized that I’m not nuts, I’m just stupid.  After days of pondering all these questions I came up with my Awesome, Epic Theory of Adult Maturity.

When I plugged my numbers into the Awesome, Epic formula I came up with this:

30 (age up to thirty)+10 (Length of longest LTR)+8 (Child’s age) = 48

That is an exceptionally high maturity level for my age, 32.  So, all of these problems I’ve had with dating were because my maturity level is astronomically higher than most women my age.  Our ages might be similar, but our life experiences are totally different and we’re looking for very different things. Continue reading

Creeped the Fuck Out

As a kid I loved Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.  Up until a couple nights ago, I would fondly remember the show whenever it was brought up.  Now, all of those happy memories are ruined.  I was watching a special on PBS, when the show was over the following video came on:

I’m not entirely sure why this “remix” creeps me out so badly, but it does.  Maybe it’s the talk of cat eyes glowing in the dark.  Maybe it’s the eerie auto-tuned voice.  Or maybe it’s something about his eyes staring into my soul, then the rapid repeating of scenes, but I feel like Mr. Rogers is trying to fuck with my head.  I get the distinct impression that if you play the song backwards you might hear the voice of the devil.  The devil speaking with the voice of Bill Hicks.

Yeah, thanks PBS for ruining my childhood hero.  And my chance at a straight eight hours of sleep tonight.

One of the Nights that I Almost Died

I’ve had a few events in my life that were pretty extraordinary.  And I don’t just mean in the bedroom.  The following is a true story of one of those moments that ended up having a really profound impact on the way I think and live my life.

A few years ago I became obsessed with Scuba Diving.  I got my certification and immediately started jumping into all of the craziest dives I could find.  It was thrilling to push the boundaries, to feel unsafe, and explore the world in a new and exciting way.

Well, sometimes you get a little more than you bargained for.


One of the dives I signed up for was a nighttime wreck dive.

We took a boat way, way out in the bay.  So far that we could barely see the lights from shore.  It was overcast that night, no visible stars, and the moon was covered by clouds.  The water was black, the sky was black, and town was only a dim glow on the horizon.

This was my first night dive, a more experienced diver friend was supposed to come with us but had to back out last minute.  We dove together all the time, he was my “buddy” so we’d watch out for each other.  Even though I was still with a group, his absence made this a lot more nerve wracking.

We jumped into the water and I quickly realized how black it really was.  I brought several lights but what’s so unnerving about it, and most people don’t realize, is if there isn’t anything for the light to hit the beam just disappears.  You’re light is on but it’s still total blackness in front of you.  Then a fish will swim through the light beam, you get some sense of three dimensions, and it’s gone again. Continue reading

Awesome, Epic Theory of Adult Maturity

One of the things that’s puzzled me over the past few years of dating is how to explain the different maturity levels in single adults.  This is especially difficult online since you haven’t met the potential partner in person.

Most people tend to assume that age is a good indicator of how mature a person is, but I think that’s bullshit.  A 30 year old woman with a two year old daughter and an ex-husband has a lot more life experience (maturity) than a 30 year old that just got out of college and has never been in a serious relationship.  The two have totally different experience levels, expectations, and are in different places in their lives.  But you can’t tell that if you just look at their ages.

So, here is my epic theory of the maturity level in adults.  It’s based on Newton’s third law.  That’s science people!  That shows how freaking serious I am; this is my Awesome, Epic, Newton-based theory, that should totally revolutionize the dynamics of adult socialization.  I even made some badass, epic graphs.  Fuck, yeah.


Alright, we’re going to say that maturity has a linear growth until you hit 30 years old.  The whole time we go through school, moving out, getting along in the adult world, working, socializing, dating, and learning how to be an adult we are gaining experience and maturity.  But once you hit 30 years old there really isn’t anything else we have to learn, we just start coasting through life.  We settle, we stop progressing, and our maturity levels out.  Without some sort of outside force, without something forcing us to “grow”, our maturity stagnates at that level.

Newton’s First Law: an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. Continue reading