Domesticity


I had a dream last night that got me thinking and a little nostalgic this morning.  Not in some “the old days were so great” kind of way, but there are things I used to have that I do miss.

In the dream I was staying at a very isolated, backwoods motel in the middle of the woods.  It was an old place that looked like it hadn’t been updated in forever with an attached restaurant.  At first I was investigating some weirdness in the area but “fell” for one of the young women working at the place (it was family run, she was probably in her early 20’s), she was one of those people who you’re just instantly comfortable with and the dream shifted to focus on her.  She was sexy but the dream wasn’t sexual, if that makes sense.  We spent a lot of time in the restaurant and in the dining area, talking, walking together, touching.

I could go into more detail, the rest of the dream was pretty strange and might make a good story someday, but when I woke up it was the comfort level with the woman that I really stuck with me. Continue reading

I’m not a nice guy anymore


I’ve realized something over the last… year, I guess.  I’m not a nice guy anymore.  

Depending on how long you’ve been following me that might not make much sense, but for most of my life I was the absolute, stereotypical, boy scout, “nice guy”.  I was the first to forgive pretty much anything.  Easy going?  I was a pushover.  Second chances?  Hell, lets push it to fourth or fifth chances.  I had friends, girlfriends and regular acquaintances that treated me like shit and I put up with it.  Wasn’t forgiving them, being there for them when they needed it the important thing?  I let the whole world lean on me, I took care of everyone else.

I’ve actually written about bits and pieces of this over the years as the nice guy act broke down.  About how I was pushing off my issues by trying to help other people with theirs, but that’s only part of the problem.  I think the larger part has to do with my appalling lack of self worth during those years. Continue reading

Apologies and Forgiveness


I wasn’t going to comment on the Ashley Madison leak, I didn’t give two shits about it.  Married folks signing up for a website to cheat… not the most sympathetic victims.  If forced to provide a statement it would have looked something like this:

(Nelson from The Simpsons)

However, as a few of the more celebrity users have started providing responses to their leaked use of the website it brought up a couple thoughts.

As a society we have this fascination with tearing down successful, recognizable people.  The bigger they are the harder they fall… the harsher the criticism and laughter from the masses.  What makes a story even more juicy is when the person is famous for their values and beliefs, then it’s brought to light that their actions are completely contradictory to the image they try to portray.  Two of the big names are high profile Christians. Continue reading

Memories


I’ve been in a weird place for the last couple weeks.  A quiet, introspective place.  I haven’t even been writing much, for the blog anyway, just putting up old drafts that were written months ago.  This afternoon I was watching some stupid sitcom on TV about divorce and getting married again.  The show was nothing remarkable but it did manage to dredge up a few memories.

When the couple was splitting up their belongings the soon-to-be ex-wife pulled a strange bowl out of one of their boxes.  It was an ugly ceramic nacho bowl shaped like a sombrero.  It was one of those novelty items, something a tourist would pick up on for five dollars on a trip to Mexico.  In the show it was only on screen for a second, it wasn’t even a conversation piece, but I about had a heart attack when I saw it. Continue reading

Anniversaries


I don’t completely remember the train of thought, maybe it was the post looking back at 2014, but I realized something interesting today, last year was the first since the divorce that I didn’t remember my wedding anniversary.  I’ve been divorced for over three years but that date was such a big deal for so long that it was second nature.

It’s ironic, I know, for a guy but I never forgot an anniversary or Cat’s birthday, even when things weren’t going well with her.  I’m terrible, terrible with dates I should remember, I know this, so when we got married I made a serious effort to drill the numbers into my brain.  I came up with little rhymes so they were easier to recall, I used every trick I could think of and it worked, I never missed one.  There was even a debate a few years in as to our exact anniversary, she was actually a day off and it became a running joke every year.  “Are you sure it isn’t tomorrow?”

Nine months after our divorce, six months after Cat got remarried, our old anniversary rolled around.  For the first time in ten years it didn’t really mean anything but I still remembered it.  She was at her new place with her new family and I was home alone.  I sent Cat a silly text about it then proceeded to drink myself silly.

The next year I was deployed and going through a fairly tumultuous situation, a week later I’d be out of the military, but I still remembered.  I didn’t send her a text, I was overseas, but I drank myself silly before getting up at 5 am the next morning for work.  That was pretty much the norm at the time but I tipped her a salute.

The following year, I was a civilian but remembered and celebrated by drinking myself silly.  I didn’t bother sending her a message, she didn’t send me one either.  In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, she never sent me any messages, silly or not, on our old anniversary.  She’d already moved on, I suppose.  She had new dates marked on her calendar.

Last year… I didn’t remember.  It didn’t occur to me at all.  The date rolled around the same as it does every year but it was just another day.  Actually, looking back through the posts, I had just returned from a trip to see Ann, Cat was the last thing on my mind.  It’s been almost six months and I just now realized that it just passed without notice.

I suppose it’s a good thing, that old part of my life is fading away, but it also makes me a little sad.  It’s not that I’m nostalgic for my marriage, the divorce was one of the best decisions we (she) made, but it signifies the fading of that whole decade of my life.  The good and the bad.  It’s the past getting further and further away in the rear view.

I should probably also find some new dates to focus on since there won’t be any more weddings in my future.  Different anniversaries, probably, but no more marriages for me.

no marriage

Sex and Marriage are for Procreation?


One of the new trends in the homophobic, fundamental, conservative groups around the US is to use “procreation” as a justification to avoid giving homosexuals the right to marry.  They claim that Marriage is purely about procreation and since homosexuals cannot procreate they should not be allowed to marry.

That’s the biggest piece of BS I’ve heard in a long time.  And yet the argument has somehow made it to the US Supreme Court.

What does marriage have to do with procreation?  Absolutely nothing.  Justices, you heard it here first.

What?  Yeah, you read it.  Marriage and procreation are two totally different things, completely and utterly unrelated.

I’m not an expert on marriage vows, but I pretty sure there’s nothing in there that says “And I will impregnate you with my sperm.  The spermatozoa will travel from my penis into your uterus and fertilize your eggs.  Our chromosomes will join together and that egg will grow and multiply for the next 9 months until a child is born of our union.”

Marriage = Procreation?  That is stupid on so many levels. Continue reading