The big American in Australia

**This is the only repost from Blogger I’m doing because it’s just too damn funny and sets up the next post.  Originally posted on Blogger shortly after it happened, 12/27/14.**

Vivian and I were having a lazy evening, watching movies and eating Thai in bed.  After, Vivian got up and went to take the dishes upstairs.  (There will be plenty about Vivian, back story and all, in other posts.  This story was just too funny to wait.)

A minute later she came back in, plates still  in hand, eyes big, and asked me if I was good with spiders.

She had told me previously about her major issues with spiders.  It’s on the level of “will kick you out of her house” for joking that there’s a spider near her.   Seriously.  Anything spider related is totally off limits.  Okay, no problem for me.

When Vivian came back into the bedroom and mentioned a spider, my big ego, American, white knight streak emerged with a hard on.  Of course, I’ll vanquish the arachnid and save the day!

I got out of bed in my boxers, chest puffed out, flexing my arms.  “Alright, where is he?” Continue reading

Lone Saturday Night

I’m trying really hard not to be bummed out tonight.  It’s not working.  It’s been a long, emotional week with lots of ups and downs.  On any other Friday or Saturday night after a rough week I’d have a couple glasses of wine or a couple beers to dull the edges but this week I decided to abstain.  Completely.

The unfortunate side effect of abstaining is that I’m really, really bored.  I’m bummed out and bored.  I got a ton of errands done today, kept myself pretty busy, but it’s early evening and I have run out of things to occupy my time.  Sure, I could go out… but what evening activity on the weekend doesn’t involve copious amounts of alcohol?  I can even here the band playing at the bar down the block from here.  Ah, the sirens call.

So, I’m sitting in my apartment, alone, listening to my dog huff in her sleep and playing around on the internet.  I hate playing around on the internet.  It makes me feel like I’m a bored, bummed out loser with absolutely no life.  Which only reinforces the fact that I don’t have much of a life right now.

I mean, how much can I masturbate in a single night before I go blind?

Bummed, bored, and blind.

The little victories

You know it’s been a rough week when I feel like dancing just because I got to do my dishes.

One of the many, many issues that I’ve had over the past week is that my kitchen sink decided to suddenly stop draining.  At all.  That might not be such a big deal except I don’t have a dish washer or anywhere else to do my dishes.  No clean dishes means no cooking.  No cooking means no healthy food to eat, and as I don’t eat gluten or dairy it’s really hard to find anything processed to eat.  Hardly any food and no healthy food means it’s really hard to maintain a decent blood sugar level.

One clogged drain led to a cascade of failures that was making life incredibly difficult. Continue reading

Father’s Wisdom pt 1

This blog is sometimes paints a fairly one-sided portrait of me.  You see, writing tends to show my softer, thoughtful, more introspective side.  My more manly side doesn’t come through very often because of the topics I generally talk about here, emotions, sex, relationships, thinking, joking, etc.  But I am definitely no metrosexual, or even much of an intellectual, I literally grew up in the woods and was named after a Mountain Man that my Dad idolized.  I did write one previous post on Manly Attributes on blogger, which lays out some of my views.

So, I thought today I would spend a little time talking about my perspective on manhood.  These come almost directly from my Dad, who’s wisdom on the topic I appreciate more and more as the years go by.  Some of this might come across as sexist, or even cheesy and old fashioned, but PC or not here we go:

a man s Continue reading

A little bit about sex

This post is a lot about me and my views on sex.  I’m not writing any of this to try and build myself up or put anyone down, I’m just trying to give another perspective and/or get people (mostly guys) thinking about how they approach sex.

I read a post a little earlier about a woman’s frustration over inadequate male sexual performance.  She said that most of the time the man cums and the sex is over, no matter how close (or far) the woman is from orgasm, rolls over and falls asleep.  This is not an uncommon situation based on many of the posts I’ve read.

The problem tends to be that many men place all the importance of sex on the orgasm (to a lesser degree on her having one as well, it’s an ego boost).  Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.  To a degree, in certain circumstances, I can understand this.  If you’ve been in a long term relationship for a while, busy lives, stressed, work too much, maybe throw in a couple kids, and only have limited time and energy for sex, I can see focusing on the orgasm a bit (even still, it should be mutual).  Sometimes, quickies are a lot of fun too.  Git-er-done, as  Larry the cable guy would say. Continue reading

Yes, that’s my ass

johnny ass

Ann and I were having a conversation about the popularity of her blog the other day.  I kept telling her that she’s practically a celebrity, she said it was only because she showed her tits.  They are pretty amazing.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Yeah, and [your tits] are extraordinary.  Mine wouldn’t generate much traffic.  😉

Ann: Your ass would.

Me: ROFL.  Maybe I should test that theory.

Continue reading

Addressing the 2-minute man theory

There have been a whole host of blogs that have been re-posting an excerpt from Harry Fisch’s new book, The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups.  Fisch published an excerpt on Nerve talking about the frequency and quality of sex in long term relationships, which you can read here: How Often do Most Couples Have Sex?

What has gotten everyone so titillated?  Oh wait, it’s the following passages:

“An astonishing 45 percent of men finish the sex act too quickly, which is to say, within Kinsey’s conflicted two minutes. That’s pretty speedy. Way too speedy for the average woman to be able to have an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. At least five minutes, and more like seven, is usually what’s needed for a woman to be able to achieve orgasm (Personally, that statement alone demonstrates how little this dude knows bout sex.  A woman climaxes in 5-7 minutes?).

And even though the average length of the average inter-vaginal sex session is about 7.3 minutes, that’s still not particularly long, especially for women who usually take much longer than men to become aroused enough to have an orgasm (But you just said it takes 5-7 minutes for a woman to orgasm). 

So if your man is done within two minutes of things getting hot and heavy—or still not done 40 minutes later—you may want to gently broach the idea of getting a medical checkup to make sure everything’s functioning correctly. And don’t worry: As I discuss in The New Naked, if 7.3 minutes doesn’t seem like enough time for you to get the satisfaction you need, you and your partner can learn to express what you do need or want, so you both can be happy in bed and out.”  (Nerve, Fisch) Continue reading

One of the Nights that I Almost Died

I’ve had a few events in my life that were pretty extraordinary.  And I don’t just mean in the bedroom.  The following is a true story of one of those moments that ended up having a really profound impact on the way I think and live my life.

A few years ago I became obsessed with Scuba Diving.  I got my certification and immediately started jumping into all of the craziest dives I could find.  It was thrilling to push the boundaries, to feel unsafe, and explore the world in a new and exciting way.

Well, sometimes you get a little more than you bargained for.


One of the dives I signed up for was a nighttime wreck dive.

We took a boat way, way out in the bay.  So far that we could barely see the lights from shore.  It was overcast that night, no visible stars, and the moon was covered by clouds.  The water was black, the sky was black, and town was only a dim glow on the horizon.

This was my first night dive, a more experienced diver friend was supposed to come with us but had to back out last minute.  We dove together all the time, he was my “buddy” so we’d watch out for each other.  Even though I was still with a group, his absence made this a lot more nerve wracking.

We jumped into the water and I quickly realized how black it really was.  I brought several lights but what’s so unnerving about it, and most people don’t realize, is if there isn’t anything for the light to hit the beam just disappears.  You’re light is on but it’s still total blackness in front of you.  Then a fish will swim through the light beam, you get some sense of three dimensions, and it’s gone again. Continue reading

Phone Sex

For many, many years I had no interest in phone sex.  I’d tried it a couple times when I was younger, but it just seemed like this really pale comparison to the real thing.  Mutual masturbation over the phone, it was just weak.  Half the time it would have been better to just to use my imagination instead of stroking myself while simultaneously trying to think of sexy things to say.

Recently, that feeling has totally changed.

I “met” this really awesome woman on an online writing workshop we were both doing.  We started exchanging emails, doing some chatting, and eventually were calling each other.  All of this was pretty flirty, we’d even sent each other some dirty pictures.

One night, there is a suggestion made that we have some fun on the phone.  With my history, with the opinion that phone sex is far less rewarding than real sex, I was slightly hesitant with this.  I mean, it was better than nothing, but not even close to as much fun as the real thing.

So, I call her.  We start off with some day-to-day chit chat and eventually work around to talking about sex.  What I would do if I were there.

This is when something interesting happens.  Through the phone I can hear her breath start to quicken.  I talk about slowly unbuttoning her shirt, kissing her all down her front as the cloth pulls away from her skin.  She lets out a small moan.  I talk about sliding off her pants, playing with her panties with my tongue.  Her breath gets even faster, her moans get louder and more frequent.  Slowly sliding off her panties, rubbing and kissing her legs.  I kiss her up and down her thighs, each time spending a little bit longer on her clit before moving to the other thigh. Continue reading