The cost of sex


When my last FWB, Jane, broke things off so she could do some “real” dating, I was happy for her but torn for myself.  I’m only going to be in my current location for about six months before moving a few thousand miles for work.  I’d already decided that dating was off the table, it would have just complicated things, but I didn’t want to be entirely celibate either.  So, should I get  back into the search for a new FWB or just lay off until after the move?

I was lucky with Jane, despite how short the fling was.  She was exactly what I was looking for, someone who knew what they wanted, were comfortable with the conditions, and was a ton of fun.

Knowing I was unlikely to get that lucky again, I decided to just wait until after the move.  It sucks but seemed like the best option for the time being.

Well, it’s gone surprisingly well so far.

Last night I was bopping around the apartment, getting some spring cleaning done with a spring in my step, whistling a tune and thinking that life was pretty good.  Looking back, I’ve gotten more positive improvement done in my life in the last two weeks than in the last six months.  Seriously.  I got myself enrolled in classes for my Masters, my apartment has never been cleaner, and I’ve even picked up the slack in my workout routine.

I’ve lost ten pounds in two weeks.  No shit.  And I feel great.  I’m less stressed, I’m happier, it’s like going on anti-depressants without the side effects.

All this got me thinking, was dating holding me back all these years?  Was the time, effort and money put into getting sex and looking for relationships actually detrimental to my quality of life?

The answer wasn’t obvious so I decided to meditate on it.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Dating is a lot like going to the mall every day with a particular purchase in mind, but it’s never in stock.  Some days you see something that looks promising but it turns out to be the opposite but most days there isn’t even anything close.  It’s frustrating, it’s depressing, and generally going to the mall that day wasn’t worth the time or effort.  It’s like having a goal that is constantly frustrated and isn’t really achievable.

In other words:  Fuck yes, dating was detrimental to my life.

Why should I get back into that turgid pool after the move?  Why risk all the positives that I’ve gained?  Why bother when I’m happier without it?

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That’s when I decided I needed to write this post.  But not just that, I wanted to do some research to see if I could back up my opinions with facts.  I know I’m not the only one that’s decided he’s better off without dating.

Well, it’s surprisingly difficult to find studies on how many people stop dating and it’s affects on their mental health.  Most of the results were click bait titles like “Stop dating men in their 30’s who pop their collar” or other bullshit like that.

But I also found a few articles like this one:  http://elitedaily.com/dating/im-guy-stopped-dating-found-next-best-thing/954714/

The search also led me to a large online group of men who’ve also decided to give up dating.  While it didn’t have much in the way of statistics it had a lot of opinion pieces from guys who’ve come to the same conclusion as I have.  It’s called Men Going Their Own Way.  While some of their articles are a little weird, there were also some that I found quite interesting.  It’s always good to get a variety of opinions.

And that’s when I had something of a Eureka moment.  Over and over in the articles I was seeing the same things, the same stories, the same frustrations.  Men are truly f***ed in modern American society.  No wonder so many of them just decide to stop playing the game.

It’s not just dating, it’s society that puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on men to be successful, to fill certain roles, to shoulder the burdens of the world while being constantly harassed about not doing enough.  And we’re constantly told that we’re not good enough.

How is that fair?  It’s not.

Things have got to change and fast.

And you know who is the only presidential candidate standing up for men’s rights?  Who understands the difficulties and doesn’t put up with all the political-correctness bullshit?  Who isn’t afraid to point out when a woman is being a B****?

You guessed it.

Make America Great Again.

Follow up email


Okay, I couldn’t help myself.  That shouldn’t surprise all of you.  I replied to the weird email that I talked about in the previous post.  The message was just too off the wall, I needed to know more.  Turns out the story gets even stranger.

In the first email, dude basically offers me the use of his nympho sub for the summer.  Yeah.   There was nothing about the message that interested me at all, rather the attitude the dude had was really bothersome, which is what the last post was about.

But I couldn’t just leave it there,  I wrote back a quick, two line message.  Basically a “tell me more”.  I didn’t really want to engage with him but I was curious about him and the situation.  Call me an amateur sociologist.

We’re going with Bob and Sierra for names, for now.  According to him, long term “FWB” with a big kinky streak.

This was his response (edited for anonymity):

“Sierra is my sub, she calls me her Master.  She’s early 40’s, (irrelevant details).  I’m early 50’s, (irrelevant details).  She’s into all kinds of kink, especially playing with multiple guys.  We’re DDF and tested often.  We are hoping to share her while you’re in the area as long as you’re discrete and can host.  You sounded like someone who would appreciate the opportunity.”

Alright, on the surface there are some oddities but there were a couple details that really stood out.  Specifically, they’re both decades older than me, have been playing together for four years… but can’t host and emphasize being discrete…

What the fuck?  This screams “we’re two adults cheating on our significant others and looking for somewhere to hook up”.  Probably tired of making out in cars or paying for hotel rooms.  But this dude acts like he’s trying to do me a favor?

For those of you who don’t know me so well… I’m an extraordinarily private person.  I’m a hermit in training and don’t waste my time on most people.  Sure, Bob doesn’t know that… but what kind of unreasonable douchebag is he?  Not only treating Sierra like shit, he’s probably cheating on a wife or long time partner, and he’s willing to offer his mistress’ orifices to a stranger just to have a place to fuck her.

My response (edited for anonymity):

“Bob, I appreciate your offer but felt that I should outline my own positions before we go any further.  I don’t play with couples or groups unless I’m very comfortable with them beforehand, and I’m certainly not interested in being anyone’s third wheel.  If (Sierra) wants to meet with me, see if we get along, that would be a good first step.  If Sierra and I click maybe down the line I’d be open to adding others.  But it would only be in stages and accommodating all of our comfort levels.

“Second, your concern for ‘discrete’ partners and inability to host implies to me that you’re both involved with others and this is some side situation, which I’m not okay with.  If that isn’t the case, please set me straight.”

Yeah, I was more polite than I needed to be, but I’m a polite kind of guy and I was still curious what info I could get from him.

His reply was unsurprising:

“Yes, we are, as you put it, ‘involved’ with other people but we’ve been together for (years) and have never had any drama.  Sierra only plays with me, so if you’re suggesting time with just her than there is nothing else to really discuss.  Good luck with your search.”

Yeah, that put pretty much all my questions to rest.

There are so many douche bags out there.  I’m quite sincere when I tell people that I’m glad I’m not a woman in the dating scene these days, I couldn’t stand it.

I’m not a nice guy anymore


I’ve realized something over the last… year, I guess.  I’m not a nice guy anymore.  

Depending on how long you’ve been following me that might not make much sense, but for most of my life I was the absolute, stereotypical, boy scout, “nice guy”.  I was the first to forgive pretty much anything.  Easy going?  I was a pushover.  Second chances?  Hell, lets push it to fourth or fifth chances.  I had friends, girlfriends and regular acquaintances that treated me like shit and I put up with it.  Wasn’t forgiving them, being there for them when they needed it the important thing?  I let the whole world lean on me, I took care of everyone else.

I’ve actually written about bits and pieces of this over the years as the nice guy act broke down.  About how I was pushing off my issues by trying to help other people with theirs, but that’s only part of the problem.  I think the larger part has to do with my appalling lack of self worth during those years. Continue reading

People Online Disappoint


I should clarify, most people disappoint eventually -thus the Super Villain Johnny posts I did- but it’s even worse involving people online.  And before anyone gets any ideas, this isn’t about anyone specific, it’s the culmination of quite a few experiences over the past few weeks.

I haven’t been writing here much because this site is in a weird limbo place for me.  When I started blogging it wasn’t really to connect with people, not at first anyway, it was just to have a place to write whatever the fuck I wanted to write.  My life was in a crazy place and I didn’t have anyone in real life I was comfortable talking to, so I wrote it all out.  It helped keep me sane.

The other side of blogging is that it does eventually connect you with people that have similar interests, situations, problems, etc.  It’s really easy to make connections, but how much quality is there?  It’s so much easier to ignore someone, be rude, or whatever, when the interactions aren’t face to face.  And there are so many people with different agendas online.  How many of us have been spammed by followers who just want us to check out their “How to improve blog traffic” websites?  Eventually, we weed through the BS to find ‘real’ people that seem to ‘get’ us.

But then, when you’re ultimately disappointed by some of those people online it screws everything up.  The blog isn’t really anonymous anymore because you have relationships with people, when they piss me off I don’t feel like sharing anymore.  Why should they be privy to my innermost thoughts and what’s going on in my life?  Screw them.  I gave them time and energy and opportunities for real connections and they blew it.

So, why post anything?  Maybe I should just stick to “Evil Johnny” cartoons when the mood suits.  Or I could just disappear and leave the assholes guessing.  Which, I have to admit is quite tempting.  I’ll always be a writer, and I’ll probably always have a blog, but that doesn’t mean I have to post anything here.

I don’t know, I’m just tired and frustrated of always being disappointed.

Music Snob


Yes, I’m a music snob.  If you’ve followed for a while you probably already know that, I’ve mentioned it in a couple of my music video posts.

For those of you that haven’t been following long, or are forgetful like me, I played in several bands during my high school and college years.  I even seriously considered moving to Seattle to go to school for Audio Engineering, they have some fantastic schools and the music scene there is incredible.

Being a musician, even if I don’t play much anymore, I’m very picky of “popular” music.  Really picky, to the point where I can’t listen to the radio (doesn’t help that there are only a couple stations here and they’re terrible).

The problem is, most music getting played on the radio these days is all done on computers.  It’s crap.  I’m talking pop mostly, they’re the biggest offenders and get played the most.  They slap a computerized drum track down, throw on some synthesizers, (maybe) have one or two real musicians for things like violin, and have someone sing over it all.  It’s not real music.  That would be like equating a photoshop expert to a painter, maybe his photoshop skills are art, maybe not, but they’re definitely two different things. Continue reading

Invitation to discuss Manliness


Yesterday I read a good post from Scott K on the blog Atheists on Fishing, Let’s Talk About Manliness pt 1.   In one part he wrote about how there are groups of Men’s Rights Activists (MRA or meninists) that troll the internet preaching borderline anti-feminist (I’m being polite here) comments, memes, and stories.  I’ve seen some of those myself and have next to no respect for them.

Overall, it’s a good post and I’d recommend giving it a read.

Anyway, I ended up in a back and forth with one of the people who commented, Curiosetta.  Rather than go back and forth on a third party’s blog, and since Curiosetta does not have a blog (at least not a public one that I can find), I offered to have a chat here.  I was traveling but I’m back and have a weekend to spend going on and on about those tricky, hard to reach, big important questions about life

So, Curiosetta, here is the soapbox.  Mi casa es su casa.  Hop on and get wild, let us all know what you think.  What are your opinions, ideas, what are your proposals?  And maybe you can start by telling us a little about yourself?

God’s Not Dead


***Disclaimer: I have absolutely no problem with any religion or ideology on its own.  My philosophy of life is pretty straight forward, do whatever you want as long as you aren’t hurting anyone else.  Gay, straight, sexual preference, ethnicity, religion, are all irrelevant to how I interact with people.  Power to everyone.  Believe whatever you want, do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.  It’s simple.

What I do have a problem with is how some religions sell themselves and how some lead to poor treatment of others, whether that be women, homosexuals, people with different religious beliefs, etc.  That violates my “do no harm” clause above.  If someone wants to be close-minded that’s their prerogative, as long as it doesn’t affect others.  As for marketing, some religions, or branches of those religions (emphasis on some, not all), use the same persuasive techniques that advertisers do to try and influence and shape public opinion.  I don’t have a problem with religions trying to increase their flock as long as it’s done honestly.  That’s not always the case.  It’s one thing to state your beliefs, or have an open and honest conversation, it’s another to use subterfuge.  That’s bullshit, and I have no problem calling anyone on their bullshit.***

Continue reading

Nothing is Permanent


“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

Two weeks ago I got a phone call from my mom, my Grandfather had passed away.  This morning I got a phone call from my mom, Grammy passed away a couple hours ago.  Before you get any warm fuzzy feelings about the timing, they’d been divorced for some 35 years because she cheated on him.  When he remarried soon afterwards and managed to be happy, that was like an ice pick in her gut that never went away.  She made some half-hearted attempts at dating after the divorce but as far as I know nothing serious ever happened and she spent most of the next 35 years alone. Continue reading

Writing as introspection


Blogging has always been in some form or another a kind of introspection for me.  I never wrote for an audience, I wrote for myself.  It was all about finding a way to understand and explain myself to me, dig into my life, my feelings deeper.

More recently, I’ve found interesting parallels in my fiction writing.  By interesting I mean borderline scary.

Several months ago I went to see a therapist for the first time.  It’s something that I’d wanted to do for a while, I hoped that it would be like an interactive form of writing…  me finding ways to explain things to someone else (like writing) but then having that person ask questions that might give me another perspective in a safe environment.  In case you hadn’t noticed, I take my anonymity, my secrets, quite seriously.  The only way I could really talk to someone about anything, everything honestly was in a situation where I could trust their discretion. Continue reading

Observed first date


So, I’m at the coffee shop where I normally go to write and I find myself distracted by the patrons.  This shop is never busy, that’s why I come here.  Today, there are two people in particular drawing my attention.

Have you ever seen a couple that are obviously on their first date?  Yeah…

This particular couple irritates me. I really want to walk up to this chick, shake her, and tell her to go home and lose his number.

I’ve mentioned to you readers a few times that I’m pretty good at reading people and situations, and what I see this afternoon is so irksome that it’s distracting me. Continue reading