A Little Tease


This afternoon I was at a coffee shop with a friend.  It’s a weekly thing we do, just to get together.

This week, at the table next to us was a beautiful, older woman.  Where we were, in that area, right outside the college, there are always a ton of young, hot women around.   Granted, she was a bit older than the usual college crowd but nothing that far out of the ordinary.  Both me and the friend are single but that’s not why we go there, it’s just a convenient location, it does make for fun scenery though.

This woman was one of those almost ageless types.  The kind where you have to give a generous range when trying to guess an age.  I’d have to say, somewhere between mid-40’s and early-60’s.  Seriously, it could be anywhere in those two decades.  Mature but hot and in terrific shape.

So, I kept half an eye on her while she was there.  I try and go for “appreciative of a beautiful woman” and polite rather than “leering” but it’s hard to judge one’s own behavior.  PG on the outside, whatever NC17 stuff is going on inside my head.

About half an hour after she arrived she opened up some boxes she brought with her.  I thought maybe she’d just finished some shopping and was looking at her purchases but then she started setting things up.  Some speakers, a little projector, a laptop.

She had even less technical know-how than I have, so I ended up helping her.  All the while I wondered why anyone would be setting up speakers and a projector in the middle of a coffee shop, but I put that question aside while helping her find outlets and the right cords.

Best guess, this woman was a little younger than my mom, probably early to mid 50’s, blonde, leggy, and attractive as hell.  She was wearing this sun dress that clung to every curve, and she had some nice curves.

We chatted a little bit, she was really nice.  I was tempted to put some moves on until I found out what she was doing…

With permission from the owners, she was showing an educational film about the wonders of having child birth at home… and those of use in that area of the coffee shop were warned that the film was quite graphic…

In a coffee shop.  At four o’clock on a week day.

Yeah, that’s a quick libido killer.

Me and my friend made some quick goodbyes and beat feet out of there.

Too bad, I liked her.  There’s just no way I could sleep with a woman who goes around to coffee shops and shows movies like that.  Nothing against the movies themselves, or the ideas behind them, but that’s just too much for me.

Could have been bad


So, I got a call from Cat the other day that was quite unexpected and could have gone very badly if our divorced relationship weren’t as good.

Before I get to what was said, I’d like to talk a little bit about her current husband.  I’ve been calling him Captain Awesome (CA), entirely unironically, for a while in my draft posts but for various reasons they weren’t posted.  He’s seriously an awesome dude and anyone who’s watched Chuck will get the reference. The kind of guy who’s so perfect you  want to hate him but is such a good dude you just can’t.  CA is tall, pretty in a way that sends women of all ages into a tizzy (seriously), successful, smart, has a bad ass job that more than compensates for his prettiness, and is exceptionally good with the kids.  Not only all that but he’s gone above and beyond when it comes to making sure I’m involved with the family, as well as being cool with me and Cat’s strange-but-friendly divorce.  I couldn’t have asked for a better dude to get added to the family and help watch over my kid.

Okay, on to the story.

Cat doesn’t typically call me, she’s far more of a texter or she’ll send a facebook update, so when I saw her name on the caller ID I was a little concerned.  What she said surprised me though.

“Sooooo, CA was just on the computer.  He noticed that your profile pic on Skype is not something kid friendly.  Do you know what it is?”

Ummm… okay.  I only use skype to talk to our daughter and to my mother, neither of which happens as often as it should, but the last time I’d been on the profile pic was an astronaut penguin or something ridiculous like that.  It was one of their default options.

But when I logged into my account I didn’t see a penguin, I saw a large cock that had just cum all over the hand holding it.  Yeah… not my style.  Not the kind of thing I’d have put for ANY profile pic, let alone one used to communicate with family.  And… it wasn’t my cock.  I was hacked.  Why, who knows?  At least there wasn’t anything too bad they could have gotten.

Thankfully, whoever hacked my account didn’t bother to change the password.  I was able to get in, change the photo and get a new password.

I told Cat, “Yeah, I didn’t put that up.”

She said that’s what she’d thought.  Apparently, when CA had shown her the image she’d laughed and remarked that it wasn’t mine.  As in, she looked at the photo on my profile and said that it wasn’t my cock.  We were married for ten years.

We both laughed at that.

Just take a second to wallow in the ridiculousness of the situation.  My ex-wife’s current husband found a cock shot for my profile pic and shows her, she laughs and tells him it’s not mine, then calls me so I can change it.  We’re not only cool with that, it’s quite humorous.

This is one of the reasons why I’m extremely appreciative of the relationship that Cat and I and Captain Awesome have.  What could have been an extremely awkward, uncomfortable, angry situation wasn’t any of those things.  It was like a very strange adult joke that we were all in on.

I just hope my mom didn’t see it, that conversation would be far less amusing.

It’s that time of year again…


The less than great news today is that both of my new CL friends flaked out.  It happens, though usually I’m pretty good at picking out which ones will and which ones won’t.  Not a particularly big deal either way, a massive dose of quality time and online porn has calmed my libido down since I got back.  I’ve returned to normal, my merely average level of horniness.  Which is probably better in the long run since I make questionable decisions otherwise.

And like every cloud, this one has a silver lining…  Once again, I can willfully ignore the worst holiday of the year.

Valentines Day.

It’s like my nemesis.  It might only come around once a year but it pretty much ruins the entire month.  It’s a lose-lose, if you’re in a relationship you have to do the whole buy-her-love dance, and if you’re single than you have to deal with being bombarded with images of “love” and happy couples for weeks and weeks.  The whole mass media industry suddenly goes fucking crazy for couples and “showing” (buying) our overwhelming love for our lifetime match.

I have to stop here or I’m going to get even more angry than usual.  It’s best for me to just avoid the whole topic.

And this year I can safely do that without it affecting my sex life.  Thank the gods.

So, for the rest of you enjoying the safety of spending Valentine’s Day alone, have a good one.  Don’t forget to stock up on the wine.

(Notice I didn’t mention the Super Bowl?  Yeah, I’m not really a fan of football either.  What can I say, February is pretty much a crap month all around.)

Black Friday


Okay, I’m still on break but some stories just need to be written down (I’m still grumpy but getting laid helps).

**

I hate consumerism, I hate shopping, I hate big crowds of people, so Black Friday is the worst day of the year for me.  Most years I make an effort to not even step outside that day; it’s like a tornado, I just hide in my apartment and wait for it to pass.  However, the crazy store hours came in awfully handy this week.

Since Stephanie I’d done zero playing, dating, looking.  Nothing.  For months.  I’m still not up for anything serious mentally or physically, and I’m still moving sometime next year, but the last couple weeks I’ve been running a lot more to get ready for a race… and running really pumps up the libido.  While I might not be up for dating, I was definitely up for some f***ing. Continue reading

Random Thought While Stuck in Traffic


This afternoon I was stuck in an everyday, yet still epic, traffic jam.  As I was highly irritated and my AC died last month, I had the windows rolled down and the metal cranked up on the radio.  I got to my favorite song and hit repeat.  For the next forty minutes I was blaring the same song over and over and over.  It amused me greatly to think I might be causing extra annoyance to fellow drivers.

I love the rhythm on that track.  Not that the audio quality of this video is very good.

Anyway, as I had plenty of time on my hands a strange thought occurred to me.  Kids these days will never know the joy of buying the new album from their favorite band and finding a secret song at the end.  This Staind album is a good example, the last ‘track’ had ten minutes of silence after the song then there’s a flowery song at the end.  That doesn’t really work with mp3 players, or iTunes, or Spotify.  One more reason to feel sorry for the following generations.

Music Snob


Yes, I’m a music snob.  If you’ve followed for a while you probably already know that, I’ve mentioned it in a couple of my music video posts.

For those of you that haven’t been following long, or are forgetful like me, I played in several bands during my high school and college years.  I even seriously considered moving to Seattle to go to school for Audio Engineering, they have some fantastic schools and the music scene there is incredible.

Being a musician, even if I don’t play much anymore, I’m very picky of “popular” music.  Really picky, to the point where I can’t listen to the radio (doesn’t help that there are only a couple stations here and they’re terrible).

The problem is, most music getting played on the radio these days is all done on computers.  It’s crap.  I’m talking pop mostly, they’re the biggest offenders and get played the most.  They slap a computerized drum track down, throw on some synthesizers, (maybe) have one or two real musicians for things like violin, and have someone sing over it all.  It’s not real music.  That would be like equating a photoshop expert to a painter, maybe his photoshop skills are art, maybe not, but they’re definitely two different things. Continue reading

Chasing the Green Dragon


My dog has a few strange traits, one of which is her abhorrence of loud vehicles.  I’m pretty sure that in her head volume = evil, the louder it is the worse it is.

Among the many devils that plague my neighborhood are motorcycles, moving vans, and the worse of the worst, garbage trucks.  These must be defeated at all costs.

In dog logic, the only way to rid the world of loud evil is by being even louder.  Yes, that’s right, the punishment for being noisy is to be bombarded with more noise.  Ie. barking.  Barking as loud as possible with every inch of power in her 25 lb frame. Continue reading

Sunday Morning Craziness


I have a wonderful, wonderful dog.  Mostly.  She’s definitely a personality.  Most of the time we get along great, but one of her less endearing traits is her punctuality.  You see, during the week we go for our morning walk before I leave for work, which is really early in the morning.  This means that on the weekend she expects us to keep this schedule.  No matter what.

So, every Saturday and Sunday morning I’m woken at an ungodly hour by a whining, insistent, nuzzling nose.  She does not care how late I was up the night before, nor how many alcoholic beverages were consumed, nor how hungover and exhausted I am.  When it’s time to go, it’s time to go, and I’ve learned the hard way not to ignore my doggy alarm clock. Continue reading

I can be an asshole sometimes


I often tell people I’m an asshole, it’s surprising how few people believe that.  I might not be one all the time but I have flashes just like everyone else.

This evening I was having dinner with Stephanie.  She was talking about how videos were more and more common, cameras everywhere.  In some ways that’s pretty awesome, the ability to hold everyone accountable for their actions and record meaningful events.  On the other hand it’s a terrifying, 1984-esque concept.  It led to the following conversation.

Stephanie: “Someday soon we’re all going to be recorded 24/7, all accountability all the time.”

Me: “No way, uh uh.  I’ll move to a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere if we ever reach a situation even close to that.”

(That’s not an uncommon comment from me, I often talk about how I’d rather be a hermit than live in a society I don’t like.  Which is more and more likely every day.)

Stephanie gave me a sly look: “You always picture yourself alone in that cabin or do you see someone else with you?”

I thought about that for a moment before giving her the honest answer:  “Nope, all alone.”

That pretty much ended our almost romantic evening.  No regrets.

Absolutely epic cock block


Okay, I’ve got a dozen different posts I’ve been working on.  This is none of those, I had to take a break and tell this story because it’s too fucking epic to miss.  Hopefully you’ll laugh your ass off at my expense.

my dog s

(My exhibitionist dog)

This morning, my dog and I had a bit of a disagreement.  We were on our usual morning walk and she decided that the couple walking the dog on the other side of the street must be the devil.  They were a nice looking young couple, athletic and attractive, walking what appeared to be an elderly Labrador.  On my street, that’s pretty much the norm.

My dog’s senses might be better than mine but I had a hard time believing that the outrageous explosion of barking from her was justified.  I had to practically drag her back to the house while trying to tell all my neighbors that she’s actually a sweetheart and that behavior was abnormal. Continue reading