Sticking around a while


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(I almost regret drawing this now)

I haven’t written much here recently, mostly because I’ve been so busy.  My life seems to have been caught up in some kind of whirlwind that has been propelling it forward at 4x the normal speed.  So many good and bad things that it would take about five posts just to summarize it all.

That said, I have some good news to report.

After He Who Shall Not Be Named became president elect, it really felt like my country had suddenly become a place I was afraid to live in.  Not because I’m one of the many who are literally threatened by his proposals, I’m fortunate enough to have the ‘right’ skin color and gender, but because of the people who look like me that supported him.  And, would you want your tax dollars going to that asshole?

But it’s not just that.  For the past five months I’ve been working on a book about spirituality and life.  As an agnostic (basically someone spiritual without a specific religion), I became obsessed with writing something that would basically be a bible for people like me.  I was making a lot of progress and was really, really excited about where it was going.  It’s a totally new way of looking at life and death, at being open minded and appreciating diversity.  In a lot of ways it’s a really beautiful set of concepts that I think could unite people around positivity instead of dividing them.

The thing is, He Who Shall Not Be Named actively goes against every single part of my new ‘religion’.  Literally, point for point, that asshole violated every guiding idea that I came up with.  It’s all about truth, equality, and being accepting of those with differences.  Half the time he violated all of those in a single tweet.  That’s terrifying.

I couldn’t sleep the night of the election.  I was horrified.  Not only was this country a far, far scarier place than I ever imagined… A MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE VOTED AGAINST EVERY PRINCIPLE I HOLD DEAR.

I almost threw away my book, my cherished project.

I wanted to leave the country, after throwing up everything I had ever eaten.  I wanted to crawl in a hole in some far part of the world and hide, hoping the end of days would miss me.

That feeling lasted for two days.  I was shopping for cheap property in Canada.  Not kidding.  I’ve been to Canada a number of times, it’s a truly amazing place that deserves a lot more recognition than it gets.  I’d consider that an upgrade in almost every way.  Did you see how awesome they’ve been with the Syrian immigrants?  Makes me tear up.

But then I had this thought.  The only reason that He Who Shall Not Be Named got elected is because of fear.  A lot of people who are normally smart and kind allowed fear to blind them to the obvious faults of someone who never should have even been in the running for political office.  They allowed fear to mislead them.

Which meant, if I let fear of the future influence my decisions, I would just be promoting the same mistake.

So, instead, I decided to stay and fight.  Not with fists or even words, but with love and compassion.  I’m going to try to live up to my own ideals and continue to promote them.

I picked up my book and kept writing.  I also made a few phone calls to various charities to see what I could do to make the world a better place.

That’s where the good news comes in.

This week, I heard back from my favorite of the organizations.  Without naming them, they support a lot of people that have earned it and really need it.  They’d like my help organizing a new program to spread their message and raise funds.  I’m ridiculously excited because the program is really cool, the charity is amazing, and I’ll get to help out one of most deserving groups of people.

I guess the message is this, no matter how scary the world might seem, no matter how bad things look, it’s worth sticking around and standing up for what we believe in.  And every one of us, no matter our talent or ability, are still capable of improving someone else’s life and making the world a better place.

That asshole doesn’t represent me, what I do represents me.

O.M.F.G.


I genuinely don’t know how to write any of this because, quite literally, the possibility never occurred to me… but somehow the unthinkable seems to have happened.  Not just unthinkable, un-fucking-fathomable.  You might imagine me perched over a type writer, fingernails chewed to the quick, trying to think of witty one-liners, but the truth is I just feel hollow.  Gutted.  It feels like this is all a form of mass hysteria, as though there’s still a chance to wake up in the morning and find out this all one sick dream.  Please, god, if you grant a single prayer in this poor agnostic man’s life, let this all be one really bad dream.

I would probably be crying right now if I wasn’t so fucking scared, and fear is barely winning the war over shame at this point.  I am so fucking ashamed of my country tonight.  And, as a veteran, I don’t say that lightly.

If this somehow isn’t mass hysteria, or a really bad dream, or a fucked up episode of Punked… all I can do is apologize to the world.  I am truly, desperately sorry that this shit is happening.  This makes Americans look fucking awful, I know.  I can only say that most of us are sane, decent human beings… or at least I thought so until today.  As cynical as I claim to be, at heart I believe the true nature of human beings revolves around kindness and generosity.  In my book, those are the core principles of humanity – kindness and generosity, especially toward our fellow human beings.  That something like this could have happened seriously shakes my faith in humanity, and that isn’t some blogger hyperbole.  Tonight is a night that needs no exaggeration.  Fellow Americans broke my heart in way I hadn’t thought possible.

I went to the polls, I held my nose and voted for the only candidate.  I did what I could, so I refuse to take a full portion of the blame for what’s to come… and there will be a lot of blame being thrown around in the years to come.

To the next generation, I apologize.  Shit just got a lot worse for you, I know.  Us parents, and our parents before us, had already done a pretty good job fucking up the world for you, I guess this is just the icing on the proverbial apocalyptic cake.  If we hadn’t left you with an impossible future before, it’s certainly a magnitude closer now.

At this late hour on the end of a psychedelic, bad trip of a day I’ll leave you all with one last, sad premonition: Unfortunately, my fellow Americans, almost all of us are going to live long enough to profoundly regret not doing more to prevent this from happening.

Belated Update


**Slightly drunk. Be gentle.**

So, I’ve been meaning to post an update for a while but for that to happen there has to be a pause in the action long enough to write shit down.  That hasn’t really happened.  Well, actually I’ve had a few moments here and there, but that time has been spent desperately trying to recharge my batteries so that I might be able to make it through another day.

On the good side, I’m in a relationship that makes me happier than I have been in a long time.  But don’t worry, my curmudgeonly side has been well fed by pretty much everything else.

On the negative side, I kind of feel my personal happiness has somehow upset the balance of the universe and tilted it against me.  Other than the girlfriend, pretty much everything else in my life has turned into a country song…

I lost my dog…

I lost my truck (car)…

I lost my health…

I lost my job…

I lost my house…

I lost my kid…

That’s only a slight exaggeration.  Most of those things aren’t totally lost, just about 75% destroyed.  Not to the point of no return, but close.  And they aren’t resolved yet, so things could still get worse.

I don’t expect that all to make sense, I’m just venting.  If the universe is listening, I could use a break.

When it rains… (update)


In my effort to tell a fairly short, somewhat amusing story I left out a lot of important things and didn’t get into detail on others.  As such, I’m a little concerned that people are getting the wrong idea -which is mostly my fault since I’m the one trying to tell the story.  I think it was the tone, it was light and silly where I should have had more variance.

So, for a moment, lets back up to before Stephanie came to visit.

Oh yeah, my dog died.  My constant companion through thick and thin, my best bud, my awesome rescue buddy that definitely saved me more than I saved her.  It’s hard to describe the intensity of the grief and loneliness that I’ve been going through for months.  Not only that, my dog was an important part of my relationship with both Jane and Stephanie, though I don’t particularly want to go into that right now.

I still have a memorial on my kitchen counter, photos and toys and things.  You can imagine how Stephanie felt seeing the toys she’d bought, the conversations we had about the dog, etc.  It wasn’t easy.

The first night that Stephanie was here I 100% planned on sleeping on the couch and giving her the bed.  And that’s how we started out the night.

But here’s the thing with loneliness/depression (whatever mental stuff is going on), you can distract yourself all day but those five minutes before you fall asleep are the worst.  I was just staring at the ceiling of the living room, feeling so sad and alone… but there’s this other human being, who’s kind and understanding, not ten feet away in the bedroom.

I went into the bedroom to cuddle.  Seriously.  I couldn’t stand having someone that close and still feeling that alone.  And one thing led to another…

Like I said, I knew she was a bad candidate for FWB.  But I couldn’t help myself.  I couldn’t.  I kind of played it off like it was a guy thing in pt 1 but that was a small part of the equation.  I was trying for light and funny rather than depressing.

And hopefully that gives you all a better idea how all this happened.

Just a quick note to say…


This has been a horrible, shitty, no good, very bad, terrible week.  The worst week I’ve had in a long time.  I feel like I’m falling apart.

My dog died.

Seriously.

It was very sudden and totally unexpected… and completely devastating.  Super Dog has been the most important part of my day to day life since I adopted her from the Humane Society.  Best dog ever, I couldn’t have asked for a better girl.  She was there for me all day, every day, with a wag in her tail and a smile on her face for the last three years.  It’s barely been two days and I can’t even put into words what it feels like that she isn’t here anymore.

I’m going to write a long memorial post for her probably later this week.  I write, that’s how I process and remember the big stuff.  I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t up for reading it, I imagine I’ll be sobbing the whole time I’m writing it, but it’s going to happen.

R.I.P. Super Dog

5193a-superdog

If you care about politics…


Originally I was going to write a post about a really crazy, sex filled dream I had last night (I know, right?  Weird week for dreams), but then I ran across this article about the democratic race that was just too good not to post.

Personally, I consider myself something of an independent.  I’m very liberal, big on social rights, so I tend way more often towards the democrats (also because republicans are fucking insane) but I’m way too cynical about politics (and politicians) to actually be part of a party.

That said, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the democratic race this year.  One, because I can’t stand Hilary Clinton (post), and, two, because the republicans are even more terrifying than usual.  I’ve told several people already that if Trump gets elected I’m going to renounce my citizenship.  Thankfully, it won’t come to that because it’ll never happen, but the prospect is scary enough.

Now, I’m not a fanboy for Bernie, and I’m still dubious about his chances against Hilary in the long run, but he does talk a lot of sense.  Whether he could actually get any of that stuff done is questionable, but he’s pointing the right directions at least.

Amidst all the pundits, idiots, and other mass media time wasting I stumbled upon a a diamond in the rough, a blogger for Huffington Post.  Unlike so many of the “real” journalists and reporters, this blogger, who’s a PhD student, did some serious research on democratic political trends as they relate to income inequality and economic crises… and how that all relates to Hilary v Bernie.  It’s a fascinating article if you have the patience to get through all the technical details.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-studebaker/bernie-vs-hillary-matters-more-than-people-think_b_9209940.html

Off to a bad start


For the last few days I’ve been working a bit on a tongue-in-cheek New Years post.  It was going to be an update but generally just silly, stupid stuff.  I was trying to start off the new year with something at least a little upbeat.

Yeah, that post got derailed today.  I got a call from a family member that was unexpected.  I’m not going to go into any details, I don’t talk about other people here, but someone close ended up in the hospital.  Don’t ask for anything more specific, I won’t answer.

It’s bad though. Continue reading

A quick note


**I’m still on break until the new year, at least, but noticed something recently.**

Over the last couple months I noticed that my reader feed has gotten thin.  At first, I just thought everyone was busy and not writing as much.  ‘Tis the season, and all that.  But I decided to do a little digging anyway.  I went through my “follow” list and checked most of them to see when their last update was.

It turns out there’s been a combination of three things going on:

  1.  A lot of bloggers have quit over the last year.  Probably about two thirds of the people that I’ve followed have since stopped writing.  There’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve taken some long breaks myself, but does explain the thin feed.
  2. Apparently WP has an issue with some self-hosted sites.  There are a few bloggers that have moved to paid WP sites, rather than the free ones, and for some strange reason they stopped showing up in my feed.  I’ve noticed the issue before but it’s ongoing, requiring me to unfollow and re-follow… which I can do once I notice it’s happening again, but it’s not like I know when the posts stop showing up.
  3. Some bloggers have shifted their blog to “private”, requiring a login.  I’m just going to give a blanket statement about that.  If a blogger has set their site to private, I’m not going to request access.  Period.  To me, it’s a respectful thing.  Going private is a way of stepping back from the public gaze, to protect themselves or get some personal time, and I’m not going to try and insert myself.  So, if you went private and haven’t heard from me, don’t take it personally.  That’s just me giving you your space.

And really, I can’t say much about people not posting since I haven’t been doing much of it myself.  I’ve gotten past most of the shittiness (most) that pissed me off so badly over the last few months but I’ve just been so busy I haven’t had the time or energy to write.  Not just blog posts, I have three stories (two novels and a short story) that need to be finished and I haven’t had time to touch them either.  I did NaNo in November, had a big work project the next week, then had family down for two weeks, and this week I’m flying out to spend the holidays with my kid.  I simply won’t have time to write until the new year.  And there’s been so much to write about.

I guess I’ll finish up with a generic seasonal greeting.  My holidays are going to be crazy but fun, hopefully yours will be too.

Black Friday


Okay, I’m still on break but some stories just need to be written down (I’m still grumpy but getting laid helps).

**

I hate consumerism, I hate shopping, I hate big crowds of people, so Black Friday is the worst day of the year for me.  Most years I make an effort to not even step outside that day; it’s like a tornado, I just hide in my apartment and wait for it to pass.  However, the crazy store hours came in awfully handy this week.

Since Stephanie I’d done zero playing, dating, looking.  Nothing.  For months.  I’m still not up for anything serious mentally or physically, and I’m still moving sometime next year, but the last couple weeks I’ve been running a lot more to get ready for a race… and running really pumps up the libido.  While I might not be up for dating, I was definitely up for some f***ing. Continue reading

Taking a break


WTF, WP?  Changing the formats again?

Anyway, I’ve had a couple shitty weeks in a row, I’m pissed off and tired.  Let’s just say that the post I did a couple weeks ago, saying that the world is full of heart break and assholes was right on the money.  There’s been so many times recently, especially online, where I end up shaking my head and wondering what the hell I’m even doing.  There wasn’t any one specific situation, it’s a culmination of a lot of frustration and anger.

I have a very love-hate relationship with the internet and blogging.  That pendulum has swung into the throw-my-laptop-against-the-wall-and-go-live-with-a-pack-of-wolves phase for the last few weeks and doesn’t show any signs of improving.  So, I need a break.  A long break.

I seriously considered deleting the blog, or suspending it, but apparently you can’t do that temporarily.  If I changed my mind later on I’d have to start all over.  So, I’m just going to log out and leave it.  Maybe I’ll be back, maybe I won’t.  We’ll see.

And if you don’t see me here any time soon, keep an eye out for a particularly pale, noisy and ungraceful wolf.