#TeamAJ – Just Friends


This morning I kind of gave Ann an ultimatum.  I felt like we were in relationship limbo and couldn’t stand it anymore.  I told her I wanted to figure out a way to move forward, I was sitting at the negotiating table and needed to know whether she was going to sit down or walk away.  She agreed to talk about it over the phone this evening.  She wrote A short list of desires about what she wants and what she needs.  At the end of the post you can see her internal tug-of-war over the our discussion.

All day I was sweating, I knew what was going to happen.

Ann was going to do the right thing and dump me.

I totally deserved it.  If you read her post My Biggest Heart Break, you’ll know that just before their marriage her ex dumped her, they got back together but she was devastated and she never looked at him the same.  She regretted not listening to her gut and leaving him then, she never wanted to make that mistake again. Continue reading

Words and dreams


Three nights ago I had a strange dream.  I was chatting with Ann and suddenly all the words turned into gibberish.  I’d try to write something and it wouldn’t make any sense, she would respond with something that doesn’t make any sense.  “Purple rhinoceros box kicked flute”.  The dream was so vivid that I was absolutely positive that when I checked my phone in the morning it would show evidence that I’d been sleep texting all night.  There wasn’t.

Last night I was chatting with Ann and we reached a special place.  We both bared everything, exchanging really long messages and stories.  We were full of humility, understanding, and forgiveness.  It felt we finally found common ground and really connected again on a deeper level.  It felt really, really good.

Then I woke up.  My phone was empty.

I can’t help but think that my subconscious was trying to give me a clue.  It’s as though there were special words in the dream that would make everything better if I could just remember them, but like all dreams as soon as I woke up the words got all blurry.  

Retroactive Conversion


I had a long phone call with Ann the other night.  We’re still sorting through injuries, it’s kind of hard to see the forest for the trees right now but we’re talking.

We were trying to figure out why everything was fine then suddenly wasn’t.  I went from 0-60 almost immediately.  There wasn’t any build up, where did it come from?  There weren’t any warning signs, it was like the ground just dropped out from under my feet.

I didn’t communicate better because it caught me off guard as much as it did her.  So, we’re trying to understand it.

Basically, I was completely fine with where we were until she went out with another guy (do I need to remind you that it’s not about sex?).   There were a hundred little things over the previous month but I was okay with them, they were completely understandable and acceptable at the time.  I thought we had a solid foundation, rationale, and everything made sense.  Then, suddenly it didn’t. Continue reading

Rough few days


Probably the most interesting part of yesterday was seeing the various commentary on different posts.  There are quite a few people who seem really eager to paint me with a variety of vulgar colors.  Some of them even quoted parts of my posts and tried to analyze me.  Most believe that the sex was the problem… which indicates their one dimensional outlook on relationships and a complete ignorance of most everything I’ve written.

So, let me make this abundantly clear IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.

Let me put it this way, our relationship status is a perfect analogy;  Ann open, me closed.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Continue reading

Post Visiting Ann: The relationship talk


One of the things on our “To Do” list for my visit with Ann was to have the relationship talk.  Yeah… I wasn’t really looking forward to that one.

Ann and I have a problem, none of the general relationship statuses work for the two of us.  Monogamous, non monogamous, polyamorous, etc. No matter what we tried someone was going to start chaffing.

Open – At our distance, open makes sense and that’s what Ann needs right now.  I’m fine with open but Ann was really hurt when I went out during our open phase, which was why we switched to closed until my August visit.

Closed – A closed relationship at a distance?  Yeah, that could be problematic.  I can do closed but Ann just got out of a rough, 15 year marriage and needs her freedom.

Uneven – Ann open, me closed.  During my marriage, I was cheated on several times.  I need an honest, up front and even relationship. Continue reading

Sex Injuries


There have been a couple times that sex ended up being less pleasurable than painful.  Twice, I’ve almost had to make a hospital visit after fooling around.

The first time:

When Cat and I were newlyweds we lived in a tiny cabin on the outskirts of our small home town.  It was also on the edge of the state graveyard, I’ve got a few ghost stories which I’ll probably write about some time.

Like most newlyweds, we were fucking constantly.  As a twenty year old, that was about as good as I thought life could be.  At that point, Cat had never had an orgasm but she was still eager in the bedroom.  We were working on her problems together but she didn’t mind them.  She as focused on perfecting her own technique and wanted to practice on me at every opportunity. Continue reading

Visiting Ann: Leaving my love


**I recently returned from spending ten fantastic days with Ann St Vincent.  These posts about the visit aren’t going to be in any specific order, there is too much to write on too many topics.  So, don’t look at these like one long story, they are more like post cards or snap shots from a fantastic trip.  This particular post was written my flight home.**

(I wrote this post on the plane ride home after the visit with Ann.)

American Airlines has this weird boarding music, a solo piano player doing top 40 hits with no vocals. It’s an interesting, slightly disconcerting sound track. You sit down, hardly noticing the quiet, slow paino tunes until it tickles an ear worm… then you spend the next three minutes trying to figure out what song it is.

(Not my video, but glad someone else thought it was strange enough to be note worthy)

In theory, the music should be pretty neutral, pop that has been toned down a bit by the solo piano. However, on this flight, for some reason every tune seems distinctly melancholy.

But maybe that’s just me.  Leaving is always a melancholy affair.

Once again, I’m on a plane flying away from my love. Considering the awful experiences I’ve had with the airlines, I’m starting to feel like I’m being kicked while I’m already down. It’s not fair, but then life rarely is.

Continue reading

Visiting Ann: the Ex and more sex


**I recently returned from spending ten fantastic days with Ann St Vincent.  These posts about the visit aren’t going to be in any specific order, there is too much to write on too many topics.  So, don’t look at these like one long story, they are more like post cards or snap shots from a fantastic trip.**

One of the things about visiting Ann that might have been really awkward was meeting her ex-husband.

Ann set up a good schedule beforehand but at least once we would be picking up or dropping off her son with the ex.  Sure, I could have made an excuse and bowed out but the purpose of the trip was to see how well Ann and I got along with each other in our normal lives, meeting the people in her life was one part of that. He might be her ex but he’s also the father of her son and will obviously play some role in her life for the foreseeable future. We needed to know if we could get along. Continue reading

Long Distance Support


One of the things that’s so frustrating about long distance relationships is they are… long distance.  So many of the little things that we take for granted in regular relationships get really obvious and difficult when you’re so far apart.  You can’t hold each other’s hands, you can’t curl up at night with each other, you can’t do all the little sweet things for your partner when they have a rough day.

My love has hit a rough patch and there’s only so much I can do from here.  Were I there in person I’d hold her, tell her how wonderful she is, how sexy she is, I’d take her to bed early and give her a long massage.  I’d kiss her all up and down her body, whispering sweet nothings.  If she was up for sex, I’d leave her sweating, trembling, and utterly satisfied.  If she didn’t feel up for sex I’d wrap my arms around her, pull our bodies together tightly, and let her fall asleep in my embrace.

But I can’t do any of that from long distance.

So…  What can I do?

I can send her flowers.

flowers s Continue reading

Visiting Ann: a cock block and a party pt 3


**I recently returned from spending ten fantastic days with Ann St Vincent.  These posts about the visit aren’t going to be in any specific order, there is too much to write on too many topics.  So, don’t look at these like one long story, they are more like post cards or snap shots from a fantastic trip.**

A cock block and a party pt 1

A cock block and a party pt 2

When I ran out of excuses to hang out in the kitchen Ireluctantly moved into the crowds at the party to socialize.  I’ve never been a big fan of large parties, they’re not really my thing.  But… Ann wanted me to meet her friends, I wanted to make a good impression, so I sucked it up and stepped out.

Honestly, this party was kind of a risky thing for me.  Ann knew how little I liked parties, large groups of people, she had originally planned a small get together but it kept growing.  There were all these people she wanted me to meet and it just made sense to do as much of the meeting as possible all at once.  We only had ten days, neither of us wanted to have a dozen meet-n-greets scattered throughout our time together.  But I don’t like parties.  It became something of a joke between the two of us.  Out of all the things we did have scheduled, meeting her ex, the threesome, meeting her parents, the party was the only thing that made me nervous.

Fortunately, Ann has awesome friends.  Ann is almost a decade older than me, most of her guests were older than me, I’m pretty sure I was the youngest person at the party.  It could have easily been awkward but somehow it wasn’t.  Everyone was really nice, friendly, and the conversations were easy. Continue reading