Those of you who’ve been reading for a while know I’m a very sex positive, open minded, equality promoting kind of guy. That might seem contradictory to some of the BDSM behaviors I’ve picked up over the years but it’s not, and that’s something that took me some time to learn and be comfortable with. My goal has always been to give my partner a good time, bondage, dominance, and everything else are just tools in my tool box for giving her what she wants. I get out of it what she gets out of it. It’s never been about me or my desires, it’s about what I can do for her. Makes sense?
Now, I know that my perspective is not universal to BDSM, nor is it exclusive. There’s a very wide range of types of people and situations in the BDSM community, most of which are perfectly healthy but others that are a bit too extreme for me. As long as it’s consensual (emphasis on consensual), than I try not to judge. To each their own. But sometimes I see situations that look far from healthy. That’s one of the reasons I encourage women who are interested in the BDSM scene to find an experienced woman with similar interests to show her the ropes, help keep her safe. There are definitely some people (guys mostly) that get into the BDSM scene to “validate” abusive relationships and interests, they aren’t “abusive” they’re “kinky”… but abuse is abuse and should be pursued legally no matter where it shows up.
Okay, so you’ve got a very thorough explanation of where I fall on the kink spectrum. I’m exactly as kinky as my partner and only go as far as she enjoys. Her having a good time is what’s arousing to me. She is always the priority, even if she’s tied up and getting spanked (because that’s what she wants, not what I want).
You also know that I’ve been dipping into the Craigslist world to see if I can find a playmate for the months leading up to my move later this year.
Well, last week I got this email response to one of my posts (lightly edited to protect anonymity):
Hello! We are a FWB couple that have been together for XXXX years. She is a nasty Asian mixed cum slut that is into being dominated and bondage. Both DDF, disease free. I would like to share her with you for the remaining time you are here.
Our email address is: XXXX
Bob and Sierra
Yeah, hopefully you anticipate some of the issues I have with that message, because there’s nothing in here that sounds good to me.
First, you don’t call someone that you’ve been together with for XXXX years a nasty cum slut. Now, I know there are plenty of people who get off on being called things like that. I don’t have a problem with these kind of put downs if they’re part of consensual fun between two adults… But that’s something unique to their relationship, not with strangers on the internet.
Let me put it like this, if my partner wanted to be called a “c$m guzzling, sl*tty bitch” I could call her that behind closed doors, just like tying her up or spanking her, because that’s what gets her going. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, I would never call her that to someone else, especially a stranger. Respecting her wishes, giving her what she wants, not a problem… but showing her disrespect in public is NOT cool (unless it’s somehow explicitly tied into our game, like at a “munch” or something where people understand the dynamic). Already, the disrespect the writer is showing his “partner” is a total turn off.
Second, he’s writing, not her. My whole philosophy is female-centric, giving her what she wants is what gets me going. That she isn’t writing already makes this whole thing borderline already. Why is he writing instead of her? Maybe she’s not into this side of their relationship, maybe she doesn’t have a choice, maybe she’s not being given much choice? Or maybe this is part of their dynamic, more owner-object than partnership. But still, none of that appeals to me either.
Third, as if the first two weren’t enough (they were), the line “I would like to share her with you…”. Further emphasizing that this is about him, not her. He would like to share her… like she were a pair of lucky socks or some tupperware containers. That attitude disgusts me.
Now, before I go any further, I’m not judging people that are into those kinds of behaviors. Different kink for different folks. I’m just talking about this specific email and the things I see in it that bother me.
If she were emailing me about how she wants to get used in the bedroom, that would be one thing. Or if both of them were messaging me, that would be something else. Or if he’d started out respectfully and we had some dialogue before he got explicit. But him putting her down, emailing to offer her? That’s different.
Pretty much everything I see in this email is flag toward an unhealthy BDSM relationship. Well, actually they aren’t even in a relationship, he says they’re just FWB. And, as a FWB, he’s comfortable offering to share her with strangers online, all while showing complete disregard for her. Her only worth to him is as an object to use… and share, apparently. And that I’m not cool with. At all.