Crotchety Old Man in The Woods

I’m in a rant of a mood today.  Most of my days are very simple, work then go home, maybe a writing group then bed.  It’s a simple, quiet life most of the time.

That might seem like a boring existence but I’ve found that it’s really the only way I can keep my sanity.  Days like today, when I have writing group and have to be semi-social remind me why I stay away from people.  They’re fucking stupid, irritating, rude, condescending, hipsters, soccer moms, and douche bags, all running around as though they’re doing something important between checking their phone and bragging about how much they overpay for stuff they don’t need.  The level of pretentiousness is overwhelming.

I’m at Whole Foods, if you hadn’t guessed that already.  It’s an annoyingly convenient location for this writing group but simply walking through the aisles to get a bottle of water before the meeting is enough to make me want to swear off humanity forever.

It’s tempting to say that it’s the Whole Foods crowd that pisses me off, but really they’re not that different from anyone else I see these days.  They’re just stupid enough to pay five fucking dollars for a small bottle of fruit juice.  Whether that makes them better or worse than regular stupid people I leave up to you.

I’ve already seen four guys wearing pants and sandals.  That’s a big fucking pet peeve of mine.  Is it hot or cold?  Make up your fucking mind.  If it’s cold you wear pants… and shoes.  If it’s hot you wear shorts and maybe sandals.  But pants and sandals?  It’s an impractical contradiction, like wearing swim shorts and combat boots.  That would also fall under this pet peeve but it’s a variation I see far, far less often.  (Don’t worry ladies, none of these apply to you, practicality doesn’t factor into your weird rules on footwear.  I don’t even try to keep up.)

I’m a very practical guy, grew up in a small town with broke parents.  We never went hungry, or without the necessities, but we also never ate out or had nice things.  Cat used to force me to go shopping with her because otherwise I’d literally wear the same clothes for years (and in the years since getting divorced I’ve only bought some stuff for work and running, mwuhuhahaha!).  What’s a couple holes, they’re still good.  And for a guy, you know what the difference is between a $5 t-shirt and a $50 t-shirt?  $45 dollars I’d rather keep in my pocket. (Not the same for women, I know, I was married.)

Worse, my home is getting invaded.

My quaint little town is rapidly turning into the biggest douche bag center in twenty miles.  It was always affluent, but it was the quiet, laid back, retired-hippy kind of affluent.  Rich but kitsch.  I’m neither but used to fit in comfortably enough.  I tend to get along with old people better than the younger generations these days.  I specifically moved to this town rather than the nearby cities because it was nice, quiet and comfortable.  It’s also beautiful.

However, in the last two years my quaint little town was “discovered”.  Suddenly big businesses recognized the inherent awesomeness here and are trying very hard to monetize it.  Two years ago we were added to the tourist bus routes, which sucked and drew even more attention.  I’m not ashamed to say I live in the crappy part of this town, ie. the affordable part.  It’s not a nice neighborhood, I have a halfway house across the street.  Yet, at least two or three times a week I have Asian tourists wandering through, having gotten turned around somehow.  Have you ever tried helping a lost tourist who doesn’t speak English?  Yeah, it’s a blast.

In the last year they built a Target and a Whole Foods within three blocks of my apartment.  Just down the road they bulldozed a row of cute little houses that were probably fifty years old to build a massive condominium.  Opening price for a small unit?  Over 600k.  No bullshit.

With the “trendy” businesses and growth came the onrush of hipsters and douche bags.  I’d managed to evade them for a couple years but now they congregate literally within a couple blocks of my place.

I wasn’t far enough away from society, it’s caught up with me.  I walked through Whole Foods to find a bottle of water and had to continuously suppress the urge to stab idiots in the face with over priced kitchen utensils.  Five minutes was too much for me, I grabbed the water and ran out as fast as I could.

I have often written about getting a cabin in the middle of the woods but the older I get the less of a joke it becomes.  Right now it’s my five year plan.  Get the out while the getting is good.  And that’s not a joke.  I’m going to get a cabin in the middle of nowhere, put up “trespassers, salesmen, and hipsters will be shot” signs, and keep a rifle by the door.  Seriously, that’s my five year plan, I’m already looking at properties and figuring out the logistics.

Yes, I’ll be thirty five this year and I’m already a crotchety old man.



24 thoughts on “Crotchety Old Man in The Woods

    • The Unabomber? Lol. I just want to be left alone most of the time. 🙂

      And why would “loose” jeans make a difference? Pants and sandals don’t make any sense for men. Women have their own thing.

      • Cabin+writing+detailing ills of society=Unabomber.
        And loose not make a difference??!! Au contraire, Id. Loose jeans as opposed to skinny jeans on any man makes all the difference in this entire planet. Skinny jeans should not be worn by any man, at any time, with any shoes.

      • If that were the case than 90% of writers would be on the terror watch list. Or anyone that didn’t follow along with the rest of the sheeple. 😉

        I meant that loose jeans weren’y applicable to the pants-sandals issue. Absolutely, they’re an issue of their own, but tight or loose doesn’t matter if they’re wearing sandals, still stupid.

      • Two words: Boo Radley.
        He may have been a hero, a saint, a pure soul. And heaven knows without him there would be no Pulitzer. But he was lonely and scared and yeah, I’ll say it, he didn’t find love.

      • Wow, really? Really? Boo Radley? What about Jeremiah Johnson, Daniel Boone, Davey Crocket, Chrstopher Columbus, Roald Amundsen, Marco Polo, James Cook, and probably another five or six thousand examples that Google could provide.

        People that don’t fit the mold make a new one. People that do fit the mold… well, they get forgotten.


      • You were the one painting him in an unfavorable light, not me. “But he was lonely and scared and yeah, I’ll say it, he didn’t find love.”

        I was just pointing out that going against the grain isn’t necessarily a bad thing or a sign of something wrong. I make my own path. 😉

      • That was not an unfavorable light! You were affronted by the comparison! Poor Boo… His name tossed to and fro when he never even really got the chance to exist….
        And Christopher Columbus?? With people like him “breaking the mold”, I’d rather be among the forgotten thank you very much. 😜😜😜

      • How is lonely, scared, and never finding love favorable? Sad, maybe, but not favorable.

        Then, by all means, be among the forgotten. 😉

    • I like the Tiny Houses better myself. Believe me, I’ve been doing the research. Did you know that in some parts of the US you can buy 20 acres for 20 grand? That’s a nice big buffer around my cabin, RV, or Tiny House. 😛

  1. LOL!! I don’t know if this makes you feel better, Johnny, but I have always thought you were a crotchety old man at heart. However, maybe I just ignored it, but I didn’t realize you were only 35 either (I guess those go together then, eh?).

    I am a woman who believes like you do in clothing. Until I start looking like a homeless person, I still wear the shit, and even a little while after. Almost everything I buy is from Thrift Stores (and 95% of it is very, very nice stuff) because I believe like you: the difference between a $5 t-shirt and a $50 t-shirt is $45 dollars I’d rather keep in my pocket 😀 As for shoes, I don’t understand the rules for women either so I just wear what *I* think looks right.

    And, as for Whole Foods, I am way to poor even to be able to afford to walk across their front stoop, let alone enter! I shudder to think of the effect that one action would have on my finances 😉 I TOTALLY understand what you are saying…

    Come to Colorado and I will take you up into the mountains for a weekend or so. There are quiet cabins you can rent or secluded camp sites far, far off the beaten trail where you can get eaten by bears (oh my!)… And then, of course, there’s the legalized marijuana…

    • Age is just a number, right? I’ve heard plenty of people older than me say that on the inside they’re in their thirties, so I don’t see why I can’t be 35 on the outside and a crotchety old man on the inside. 😉

      Colorado and Washington state are two of my favorite states (and I don’t have many) for many reasons, that they’ve legalized marijuana is just the awesome icing on the cake.

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