I’ve been in a weird place for the last couple weeks.  A quiet, introspective place.  I haven’t even been writing much, for the blog anyway, just putting up old drafts that were written months ago.  This afternoon I was watching some stupid sitcom on TV about divorce and getting married again.  The show was nothing remarkable but it did manage to dredge up a few memories.

When the couple was splitting up their belongings the soon-to-be ex-wife pulled a strange bowl out of one of their boxes.  It was an ugly ceramic nacho bowl shaped like a sombrero.  It was one of those novelty items, something a tourist would pick up on for five dollars on a trip to Mexico.  In the show it was only on screen for a second, it wasn’t even a conversation piece, but I about had a heart attack when I saw it.

When Cat and I got married her father gave us that bowl.  Not something that looked similar, that exact same bowl.  It had been a running joke, it had been given to him and his wife when they’d gotten married.  His wife hated the thing, because it was ugly, and was happy for an excuse to part with it.  Cat didn’t like it either but we hung onto it for years, only touched when we packed to move each time.  Eventually, we gifted it to Cat’s brother when he got married a couple years ago.  The tradition continued.  What was so shocking to me was that I have never seen another one like it anywhere.  Similar ones, sure, but not that exact model.  And there it was on the TV.

In the second part of the show they made a big deal about the groom having trouble writing his own vows.  That’s probably something that most guys would have a hard time with.  It reminded me of getting prepared for my own wedding so long ago.  I wrote a poem that was quirky, self effacing, funny, and sentimental all at the same time.  Probably one of the best things I’ve written.  For our first anniversary I printed a copy, signed it with a little heart, and gave it to Cat in a nice frame.  That feels like centuries ago, the memories are thin and watered down.

In this strange place I’ve been, these memories were bittersweet.  I have no longing for my old marriage but there were some good things.  Nowadays I wonder if I’ll have any of those again.  There’s this childlike quality to our feelings and thoughts when we’re young, they’re so intense and pure.  It allows for a naive happiness and optimism that seems impossible to me these days.  I’ve pretty much decided I’m happier on my own, that relationships aren’t worth the effort most of the time.  And even if I did, am I too cynical and jaded to have those simple happy feelings again?  If that sounds depressing, it’s not meant to be, I’m just trying to understand and adapt to where I am now.  Childhood is over, what is this adult life going to be like?

11 thoughts on “Memories

  1. When you’re young, everything is brighter and more somehow. I don’t think that the over-the-top stimulated senses are ever quite the same, but connected with another on the same level certainly can be.

    • I think the older we get the more complicated the world seems, far less black and white, more shades of gray. So even if we have a similar experience, how we perceive it is different. I don’t know, that’s how it seems to me anyway.

  2. So one of my brothers has been married and divorced 3 times…he met a new gal about a year ago and they moved in together and he proposed (for the 4th time) to her…when he did, he sent a text saying: “I’m an eternal optimist!” Now, does he obviously have issues, of course he does. But he must be doing something right to get this new gal to accept his proposal. What you think will determine your future. =) Happy feelings WILL happen again if YOU WANT them to HAPPEN….if you want to remain jaded and cynical, than you will forever be jaded and cynical…

    • That also depends on what a person wants. Personally, I’m fine single, so a relationship should just be a bonus rather than a necessary. Maybe some day it’ll be a priority but right now it just isn’t. 🙂

  3. Relationships sometimes really do suck. And let’s face it, marriage is hard. But for me the value is in the learning. Issues that are normally so nicely tucked away are then no longer dormant when we enter a dynamic. Be it spouse, partner, parent, coleague, etc, we are marked with every interpersonal relationship. Whether we’re ready or not.
    Which bites in some ways, but also I think love takes on a level of maturity as we grow older only because being vulnerable is so much more of a risk now than we were younger. And the kicker of it all is that even when we know we’ve got more to lose, even when we’ve been through the monotony (and sometimes stupidity) of looking for connection, we are still looking for that one connection that will give us reason(s) to extend a case for love.
    I love that I found that and so I love that we all have potential to have that. I understand that you’re feeling like all this is lame and that’s fine. Enjoy this time. But also know that she’s out there! And she’s awesome!

    • I’m going to preface this by saying I’m having a very hard time not responding sarcastically and cynically, not because there is anything wrong with what you wrote but just because I’m in a sarcastic, cynical place right now.

      I think my problem right now (if I was going to claim only one) is that there’s just too much going on in my life and has been for too long. I’m tired. I have no desire to be vulnerable or involve anyone else to complicate things more. Maybe in a year or two when my life settles down, maybe longer, but it’s going to be a while.

      • Omg. You totally should have responded sarcastically. How awesome would that have been?! You could’ve totally asked if I’ve read one too many quotes from an eckart tolle calendar or if I idolized brené brown for her pretentious use of the glottal stop. Omg. What if you told me to stop talking to you like a freshman in college who went to her first First Thursday and made out with a fifty year old guy who told her that he composed the bridge for bark at the moon?!! lol
        I can’t rememeber what I wrote and Im too damn lazy to reread. But I know it was sincere AND I also know a cynical response would’ve been well received. Next time, sock it to me.

      • I think it was the last sentence, the part where you said something like ‘there’s a woman out there for you and she’s awesome!’. Yeah, sure, I’ve met lots of awesome women over the years… and barely survived them.

    • Isn’t that the simple yet complicate truth behind all relationships? That by their very nature there is supposed to be a mutual coming together, mutual compromise, mutual happiness, mutual enthusiasm and effort. Yet, that can be so hard to find sometimes and the root of most relationship issues is that imbalance.

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