Stephanie

I haven’t written much about Stephanie other than briefly mentioning her in other posts.  There hasn’t been much to write about, really.  And I don’t really know what to say about her.  I’m struggling a bit and that’s unusual for me.

First off, there’s nothing wrong with her and I don’t mean this as a criticism of her.  If anything, the lackluster “relationship” is more a reflection on me.  She’s a successful woman, close to my age, easy to get along with, nice, has good friends and is interested in many of the things I am.  She’s not perfect but on paper she’s a good match for me.  However, what looks good on paper doesn’t always play out that way in real life.

Again, that’s more my fault than hers.

I met Stephanie at pretty much exactly the wrong time.  Over the last couple years I’ve had too many ups and downs, I’m exhausted.  I’m jaded.  I’m cynical.  I’m overwhelmed.  I’m so emotionally detached right now that I have zero interest in being in a relationship.  At all.  Period.  With anyone.   Sex doesn’t even interest me right now because of all the things that come with it.

She asked about how my parents were doing after my grandma died.  I told her.  She wanted to send them a little care package.  I just shrugged that off, I don’t want to have anyone I’m casually dating involved with my family, but that’s the type of person she is.

The other night she sent a brief “good night” text around dinner time.  Now, knowing her as I do, I’m sure she was going to dinner with a friend.  I didn’t ask because I didn’t really care.  A short while later a though occurred to me, she could be cheating.  It was a brief thought, more of an internal joke than anything else, but my response to that thought was remarkable.  I laughed.  There were no flashes of jealousy, no disappointment, or anything like that.  I thought if it turned out she was cheating that would be funny.  It was be an interesting twist to the situation.  She isn’t, she isn’t the type, but it would be funny if she was.

Yeah, you could say I’m detached.  I’m not sure if this is a temporary situation or the new normal but at the moment it’s kind of liberating.  I don’t care.  I could just as easily be single at the moment, and that might even be preferable.

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7 thoughts on “Stephanie

  1. What frightens me about this post is that I feel this way about my husband. The indifference speaks volumes. Be careful with her heart and getting yourself entangled. I hear your frustration. Sometimes we all need a break from romantic relationships to simply work on our relationship with ourselves – the hardest one of all. Good luck, Johnny.

    • I think that was one of the problems I had in my marriage, I couldn’t take those breaks when I needed them, I couldn’t avoid her to get that time. If you can find a way to get away for a bit, that might help you as well.

      • Oh my god, you are so right. I have discussed a separation, but I think that is as hard for him to stomach as divorce, but it is absolutely what is needed. God, this is so unbelievably hard.

      • Change is always hard -and scary- but often it’s vital. The status quo isn’t working, some kind of change is absolutely necessary. It’s just finding the right change for the situation.

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