Absolutely epic cock block

Okay, I’ve got a dozen different posts I’ve been working on.  This is none of those, I had to take a break and tell this story because it’s too fucking epic to miss.  Hopefully you’ll laugh your ass off at my expense.

my dog s

(My exhibitionist dog)

This morning, my dog and I had a bit of a disagreement.  We were on our usual morning walk and she decided that the couple walking the dog on the other side of the street must be the devil.  They were a nice looking young couple, athletic and attractive, walking what appeared to be an elderly Labrador.  On my street, that’s pretty much the norm.

My dog’s senses might be better than mine but I had a hard time believing that the outrageous explosion of barking from her was justified.  I had to practically drag her back to the house while trying to tell all my neighbors that she’s actually a sweetheart and that behavior was abnormal.

She must have been pissed off that she wasn’t able to kill the demons infesting the neighborhood.  Really pissed off.  Once we got home she promptly peed all over my bed.  In the two years that I’ve had her the only time she’s ever made a mess in the house was once when she was sick.  This was no accident, it was a calculated move, a big “Fuck You!”.

Stephanie was supposed to come over in an hour and I was out of clean sheets.  I didn’t have time to wash and dry the bedding (they needed it, they were stinking up the whole bedroom), so I headed to the store a couple blocks away to buy some new ones.

Unfortunately, there was a big fair going on right next to the store.  Had I known this, I could have avoided the streets that were blocked off.  I didn’t.  Instead, the five minute drive took over an hour as I had to negotiate around the massive detours through congested traffic.  Parking was also frustrating and time consuming.  The fifteen minute errand took well over an hour.  By the time I got home, Stephanie and her dog were waiting outside the door for me.  She’d decided to bring hers along so he wouldn’t be stuck at home all day and he gets along with mine.  I had to apologize profusely as I changed the sheets and scrambled to straighten up since I’d thought I’d have plenty of time before she arrived.

We watched a movie while we ate lunch, something stupid.  Meals finished we got naked and started to mess around on the couch.  At one point my dog jumped up on the couch with us.  We shooed her off.

Stephanie stood up and said we should go break in the new sheets.  Hell yeah.  But as soon as we turned toward the bedroom we realized we had a problem.

Her little dog had peed all over my fucking apartment while we were distracted.  I mean, every-fucking-where.  He’d started peeing then ran around randomly.  It looked like a toddler had taken a permanent marker, stuck it to the carpet, and then danced around the apartment to some tune only heard in its head, lines and curly cues everywhere.  Everywhere.

Now, to appreciate the talent of this dog you have to realize he’s fucking tiny.  He weights 12 pounds, or something ridiculous like that.  To be able to utilize his tiny fucking bladder, which can’t be much larger than a walnut, to completely coat the carpets of my apartment is fucking amazing.  The kitchen, the hallway, the entire living room.  That’s some serious flow control.  He’s talented, like the ninja-dog of pissing.

I was furious.

Stephanie and I spent the next twenty minutes, wandering around naked, trying to clean up.  When we’d gotten it just about managed we moved to the bedroom and found our next surprise.

My dog had peed on the bed.  Again.  On my brand new sheets.  And it wasn’t just a little bit.  My dog, being significantly larger than hers, had emptied that larger bladder in a massive puddle that had soaked through the sheets and into the mattress.  Again.

What the fuck?  Had the two dogs coordinated their attacks?  In their dog language they hatched a plot to fuck up our Sunday?  You get the floors, I’ll get the bed?  Seriously?

We gave up on messing around and went back to the living room.  When we got there we had another unpleasant surprise.

Apparently, when my dog had jumped onto the couch while we were messing around, she had peed all over Stephanie’s dress next to us.  It’d soaked through into the couch below.

Couch, bed, floors, everything was fucking covered in dog piss.  All my blankets, all my bedding, the mattress, the couch, floor, everything.

This wasn’t the first time we had the dogs together.  This wasn’t the first time we’d messed around while they were in the apartment.  Both of our dogs are house broken, this behavior was totally abnormal for both of them.

Not only did I not get sex, I’m not even sure where I’m going to sleep tonight.  The tub maybe, using the shower curtain as a blanket?  Fuck.

Never in my life have I been cock blocked in such a thorough, epic, premeditated manner.  Pinky and the Brain type shit.

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12 thoughts on “Absolutely epic cock block

  1. Ninja-dog of pissing….Bahahahaha! That was funny! Such a crazy story! I’d be so pissed if my dog did all that peeing (unless she was old or had some medical problem). The other day, my cat peed on my dog’s bed for the first time and I was mad…Cause she did it twice…But man, compared to this story, it was just a dribble…Hope your dog doesn’t do it again…

  2. Oh my goodness, Johnny!! WTF?!? I totally *did* laugh my ass off at your expense. Maybe you can have a chat with your dog in a couple of days, after her time of the month is over… ROFL!
    ♫ They’re Pinky ♪ They’re Pinky ♪ and the ♪ Brain ♪ Brain ♪ Brain ♪ Brain ♪ Brain ♫

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