Australia: The worst day

The Australia trip wasn’t all roses and sunshine, or ropes and sex.  What should have been the absolute best morning of the trip, after the threesome, was actually the worst.

We’d had two bottles of wine which might have been why I tossed and turned all night.  When I don’t sleep my brain doesn’t do well.  By the time Vivian’s alarm clock went off I was already feeling rough mentally.  I just wanted to be spend all day in bed, preferably asleep on a pair of beautiful boobs.  Too bad Vivian had to work.

Then I got on my phone and the morning went from bad to worse.

Before the festivities the night before I’d gotten a text from Cat.  I’d opened it up, read enough to realize how bad it was and immediately shut my phone off.  I figured I’d have time and energy to deal with it in the morning.

Well, I’d forgotten how fucking vindictive Cat could be.  When she was in a bad mood she was one of the most hurtful people I’ve ever known.  Worse, since we’d been together so long, she knew every button to push to cause the most damage and when she was in a bad mood she did so gleefully.  (That’s part of the reason she’s called “Cat”, she could be purring on moment then digging her claws in the next.)

The text she sent me was about what a horrible person, a bad father, how selfish and terrible I am.  I was making bad decisions, how badly I’m hurting our daughter, etc.  Basically, I was a lazy, useless, terrible excuse for a human being, let alone a father.

I can’t express how out-of-the-blue this message was.  Cat and I had been texting a few days earlier and everything was completely normal.  A few days before that we’d talked about what our daughter wanted for Christmas and I’d made sure orders got placed so her presents would arrive in time.  I thought everything was fine, I was caught completely by surprise by her text.

That message, as well as the many follow-ups, were just devastating.  I wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and disappear.  Maybe if I wished hard enough the earth would open up and swallow me.

After hours of messages with Cat, me getting desperate to figure out what the hell was going on, I finally realized that nothing had happened, nothing had changed… Cat had just been in a pissy fucking mood, wanted to take it out on someone, and I was an easy target.  Eventually, she calmed down and the texts went back to normal.  Yeah, that didn’t make me feel any better, the damage had been done.

Vivian was at work and Sharn was gone so I went out for a while.  I walked around the mall, alone, feeling awful.

All I wanted to do that evening was snuggle with Vivian.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.  She’d gotten locked out of the house that afternoon and ended up staying the night with friends.

I spent the night alone on the couch, trying not to feel horribly sorry for myself and perusing Fetlife.  One post sparked a few thoughts, it was about sub drop and after care.  The writer mentioned that sometimes the drop doesn’t happen right afterwards, sometimes it’s quite a while later.

The term “sub drop” probably isn’t accurate for my purposes but the concept behind it might be.  During a play session lots of endorphins are released in the body, the more intense the scene the more are released, and there can be a drastic drop after the scene before all the levels normalize again.  That “sub drop” can result in fatigue, sadness, and even depression.

The night before I had been tied up and suspended by Vivian while B watched.  Que endorphins.  Then I watched Vivian tie up B, play with her, and I got to join.  Que more endorphins.  Then a fun three-way with the two beautiful women.  Que more endorphins.  Then some one-on-one with Vivian…  You get the idea.

I had been on a huge upswing all night, of course there was going to be some coming down later.  The night before had been the highs on the roller coaster, the next morning was the lows.  Add in the drinking the night before, the lack of sleep, the horrible messages from Cat, and it was the perfect storm of fucked up.

As good as that day should have been, it really, really wasn’t.  As wonderful as I should have felt, it was absolutely the worst day I had in Australia.

It’s a good thing I didn’t know then that I’d run out of time with Vivian.

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2 thoughts on “Australia: The worst day

  1. I’ve liked it because I completely understand johnny, not because I think its good. Life is totally a rollercoaster – good, bad, really good, really bad. Its exhausting!

    I’m sure your little girl loves you to bits, fuck what cat thinks. Live your life the way you want, not how someone else says you should. Hugssss 🙂 xx

  2. I think I had a sub drop when I went through a 900m haunted hospital in Japan and almost peed my pants in fear – the day just wasn’t the same after that…

    Sometimes people let out their inner follies onto others because they can’t look at themselves … I’m sorry you that you had to experience that! Be strong in yourself knowing your a good father and all the bad things she said mean nothing!

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