Rough few days

Probably the most interesting part of yesterday was seeing the various commentary on different posts.  There are quite a few people who seem really eager to paint me with a variety of vulgar colors.  Some of them even quoted parts of my posts and tried to analyze me.  Most believe that the sex was the problem… which indicates their one dimensional outlook on relationships and a complete ignorance of most everything I’ve written.

So, let me make this abundantly clear IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.

Let me put it this way, our relationship status is a perfect analogy;  Ann open, me closed.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.

I am 100% committed, no holds barred, take no prisoners, do absolutely anything for her.  She’s the first thought that runs through my head in the morning and the last one at night.  I’m constantly doing nice little things for her, sending pics, posts, etc.  When she has a bad day I’m doing everything in my power to give her a smile.  She’s my one and only.

What’s our activity been like in the month since my visit?

How many phone calls – one

How many video chats – one

How much sexy time together – zero

How many sexy pics sent – one and I asked for it

She has a bad day, I do things like write Long Distance Support.

I have a bad few days, she screws another guy.

I know she’s been really busy with work for the last few weeks, I know she’s having a rough time physically, mentally, emotionally, but who does she turn to?  Someone else.

She needs to feel sexy, get some relief… What about me?  Why not call me up?  Why not have some sexy talk with me?  Why not have some sexy video chat?  I have a really flexible schedule, I can fit in around whatever she has going on.  Then turn to someone else if that isn’t enough?

One of the big questions: If I was upset when she told me that she was going out then why didn’t I bring it up?  She would have cancelled had I asked.

Because I love her and I wanted her to be happy.  She’s there acting all cutesy, asking for permission for something she needs… How am I supposed to turn her down?  Am I supposed to say “Sorry, babe, I know you really want this and it’s really hard for you to schedule these things but I’m having a terrible couple days and can’t handle this right now?”  Yeah, because I need to feel selfish on top of everything else, take that one little thing away from her.

So, instead I tried to suck up my own horrible days, my own emotions, my own problems, but at the same time I was feeling neglected, left out.

Open isn’t a problem, we’ve been open before, but in order to be okay with that I need to feel like I’m her main guy.  I need to be completely confident in the relationship.  She’s hardly paid any attention to me in the last few weeks but she makes time for another guy?  How am I supposed to feel like I’m a priority for her?  And if I’m not a priority, what am I doing here, 100% committed to her?

Should I have talked to her?  Absolutely.  But I was trying to do the right thing for her and shove down all the pain I was feeling myself.  When I love someone that’s what I do, I ignore my own needs and try to fill hers.  No matter what.  But then I was in such a bad place mentally after the last few days, my stresses, her situation, and everything else in my life right now that I started drinking.  Drinking made everything worse.  Then I felt Ann was being flippant with me and I blew up.

While some of you thought that made me an ass, two-faced, manipulative, etc…how many of you made judgments based only on a few posts? On what information we’ve chosen to share about us?

It wasn’t about the sex, though everyone seems unflinchingly focused on that singular act.  Just like every other situation in life, it’s complex, it’s multifaceted. It’s hard to read criticism from people I don’t know, in public, based on the tiny portion of our relationship that they see.

I do know that many of you sincerely want things to go well for us. Right now Ann and I are trying to talk through this.  I’m sure at least one of us will write about it.

27 thoughts on “Rough few days

  1. Just know that some of us understand and do not judge. Everyone of us wants to be loved, cherished and prioritized and we all make mistakes in our efforts to give and receive that. Love is complicated.

  2. I, honestly, think you sounded like an ass because at first everything was fine and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. I made my judgments based on the exact conversations you both shared. I don’t think you ARE an ass, but as a grown man it’s your responsibility to communicate in relationships before they blow up, and you didn’t do that in this situation. I think she’d be happier with you telling her what you need from her than without you at all.

    • I’m having a very hard time not responding to this comment defensively. I’m trying not to do that because every experience can be learned from and lessons come in unexpected ways, if I get defensive I shut down the rest of my brain.

      So, I’m going to break this down a bit. I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know what to communicate.

      I’m a very introspective person, I always try and figure out where something is coming from. That whole day I was having problems, I was really hurting but couldn’t put my finger on why. Was it me, was it Ann, was it work, was it stress, a combination of things? It got worse and worse until I blew up. I still wasn’t sure why. The post above was written after the fact, after cooling down, sorting through everything, and trying to make sense of it.

      Things aren’t always obvious until we have a little distance.

      • I understand where you’re coming from, but I think a lot of us, in seeing Ann’s hurt through her posts, automatically take “her side” because, to us, instead of seeing that you didn’t know what was wrong we only see that you lashed out out of nowhere. Does that make sense?

  3. I wish the same for you as I did for Ann and that is the best in what ever choices you make or have made for you, as well as to stay true to yourself.


  4. I agree wholeheartedly with spacefreedomlove. After reading the posts from both of you, I didn’t feel the need to ever judge either of you. I had to refrain from offering advice!!! LOL But I know all relationships have their struggles, but when two people love each other, they do what they must to work through it. Good luck to you both!!

  5. I can relate precisely to your feelings! That’s how I feel whenever my wife is talking to her guy. If she wants the flirting why not flirt with me? I go around and around in my mind with this because I understand the excitement of someone new and different but I like how the flirting feels also!
    Anyway, you’re not alone, and for all the snap judgements people make about it being just the sex, they don’t seem to be looking at the emotional side at all. For me, sex with my wife is an emotional connection as well as a physical one. We may be men but our emotional needs are every bit as real as any woman’s. And when we don’t feel needed and prioritized, which most men want, it hurts us.
    Stay strong, and like you have told me, communicate with her as much as you can.

    • Absolutely, and I’m trying to communicate better. Sometimes though, it’s hard when we get swept away by an emotion to step back and be logical and talk about it. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming in the moment and it’s really hard not to react. I find that my knee jerk reaction to being hurt is to lash back and then completely shut down. Yeah, that’s a really unproductive place to wind up. Communication is important but it’s not always easy to understand what to talk about and when. Sometimes it’s like touching a burner on a stove, you don’t know if something is hot until it burns you. How do you talk about it before you get hurt if you don’t always know what is going to hurt until it happens?

      • It’s hard to not react when you’re emotional, but sleeping on it and discussing the next day is the right way to stay on the logical side of the fence.

        Unfortunately alcohol drags us over to the emotional side, it can’t be helped, and thankfully EVERYONE understands it. Well, maybe not sober people but my bet is they’re sober because of it 😉

        Just try and avoid phones/computers/tablets when drunk as best you can! 😛

  6. I’m having a beer specifically for you tonight. Does that help? Well, probably not but it’s the thought that counts and I also need a beer. Hope things are looking a little less dim today.

  7. To be fair sweetie, we mainly do hear about the sex side of things so for many people the thought that it was because Ann was seeing someone else was the reason because that’s all we had been informed of. What happens behind the scenes is harder for us to know about since we’ve only got what you guys have put in text. So don’t hold that against us all, does that make sense?

    There’s no way of judging anyone’s relationship, and far be it from me to judge anything apart from myself.

    Do I think you handled it implosively? Of course, but when you don’t know why you’re feeling the way you are lashing out is natural. We all do it.

    But being that you’re always so on ball with what’s going on in your head and heart I think you’ve pretty much got this covered. And if next time you need to veto, then you need to bloody well veto for the good of your own sanity and address the other things.

    Your emotional and mental sanity is important too, as much as you want to make her happy, I think you also need to balance that with making sure you’re still happy.

  8. The first post I ever read on ur blog was about having a hard conversation w/Ann in August. Since then I’ve read the whole relationship backwards and needless to say, I am completely in love with this blogging love story as it unfolds – even backwards. And I am rootin for both of you! For your story to work out. For love. For happy endings. It’s so beautiful and heartfelt.
    Pain divides us, but it also *connects* us at deep places within each other. Maybe you can find a bridge between the love and the pain and meet there.. ?
    I wish you peace, even in the unrest, and a direct connection to the love in your heart. She’s ur girl ❤

    • I’ve avoided weighing in on these comments, but had to tell you that Johnny and I talked about your #TeamAJ tag last night…it made us both smile and brought some levity to our conversation. So thank you for that 🙂

  9. I don’t think you’re a jerk 😊

    I don’t do long distance relationships so could only imagine the different layers of emotions that would be involved with you guys – regardless though, I believe that in any relationship it the happiness should be shared.

    It shouldn’t really be one sided where you worship someone else at your own detriment – KNOW that you deserve just as much happiness and it’s okay to let your lover know!

  10. I’m not sure what to say about all of this, quite honestly. I’ll just leave it at: I feel for you and id hope y’all can work it out. But I also can’t help but feel this is all a cautionary tale…

  11. I don’t quite buy your comment that it wasn’t about the sex. So if Ann had gone to a baby shower (for instance) would you have really reacted the same?

    From what you’ve both allowed us to be privvy to you were heading for the skids anyway – ie/ virtually no contact in the last month. <—-THAT is the real issue.

    Any relationship would struggle long distance – the fact you've both continually openly blogged about your sexual compatibility serves to give us readers the notion that that was the crux of your relationship.

    I think you're quite unrealistic to think that your readers should *know* that it wasn't about sex.

    I'm still wishing you both the very best though.

    X x

    • I’m not going to tackle the question of what was really the issue; that’s up to Johnny to decide if he’s going to respond to that…but I can tell you that sex is absolutely NOT the crux of our relationship. The story of our beginning is that we fell for each other before sex was even a part of the equation. I really liked him before I even knew what he looked like – and no, our discussions weren’t sexual in nature. A great sexual connection is definitely important to each of us – very much so – but it’s not what defines our relationship.

  12. For the record, my life right now is very similar. I moved 5 hrs drive away from my ex for a job opportunity. After knowing I’d been sleeping around for 1.5 years (we’d still been sleeping together and spending time together but were both labeled as ‘single’), he’s just decided he’d like us to date again. So here we go, long distance relationship. Not only that but I can’t stand monogamy, and he knows it. Here’s the kicker – I’d like open and he’s happy with closed. Sound familiar? 🙂

    Our solution is this, a little opposite to you an Ann – start out closed(ish), and work towards open. He’s not completely comfortable with the idea of me having sex with another man yet, but he is fine with me talking dirty to and sending pics to them. So we’ll move one step at a time and have agreed on a timeframe of being open within a year.

    I realise this won’t work for you guys if you both eventually want 100% monogamy, but maybe this could work if you had a timeframe *towards* monogamy? Or maybe like us, start with monogamy then move towards other options like having a once-a-year hall pass, or in 2 years discuss swingers parties as an option? The only way you can find a solution is to really nut out what the problem is (which isn’t exactly the one event, it’s more needs/wants in a relationship and feelings by both parties).

    Yes, relationships do take you outside your comfort zone, and everything is about compromise, but taking things slow and communicating about it all is key. I’m forgoing my happiness right now (by being monogamous) to help someone else. But its ok because we’ve agreed on a timeframe, so I know in a year we’ll either both be single, or both be happy in our relationship.

    Talk it out calmly and maturely hun. I never seem to know when I’m hurting others in a relationship until my partner points out the event and the reaction they had. You learn what you don’t want in a relationship by experiencing it. Consider this as you experiencing open early in the relationship, and you didn’t like it – now you can discuss it and see if you can both tweak the relationship to keep you both happy.

    I hope it all works out. We’re all here sitting in your blog ready to support you if you need us xo

  13. First off, I want to say that I don’t judge either of you. Reading your posts helped me in ways that I cannot easily express here. Let’s just say I shared them with someone dear.
    Yes, I’m new to your blogs (thanks LSAM and your little game!). But I do realise that your problem is about more than just the sex. It’s about trust, feeling wanted and being the most important person in the other person’s life.
    I understand your questions completely. Why didn’t she turn to me for flirting and so on?
    And your reaction that you didn’t tell her, you couldn’t tell her ‘no, I’m not up to bearing this right now’, because it made you feel selfish.

    I would just like to offer a different point of view. Maybe you’ve discussed it with Ann already, maybe not. I cannot know that for sure, so I’ll just write it anyways.

    First about you feeling selfish… Telling her that you’re having a hard time right now and are not sure you can handle the strain wouldn’t have been selfish. It certainly may have been less selfish than saying yes and then resenting her for it.
    I think it would have been fine to say that you were afraid of her reaction if you said no, but that you really didn’t feel strong enough right now to handle that stress. That you love her and didn’t want her to think that it was about not allowing her to sleep with someone else as you had agreed. But that you weren’t up for it then.
    Now, there is no telling how she would have reacted to that. It may be that she would have thought ‘he said I could have an open relationship, but he didn’t really mean it and he’s never going to let me do it, he’s always going to give me emotional blackmail.’ It’s possible. But it may have been less of a problem in the end, less hurt for everyone involved, than what happened eventually.

    Did it ever cross your mind that the reason she didn’t ask you before was because she was aware of the stress you were dealing with lately and she felt selfish for asking you about going to be with someone else? So you felt selfish and withdrew communication, she felt selfish and withdrew communication until the last minute, to not add any more strain to your already stressed life… and it all ended up in a big mess.

    As for why she didn’t turn to you for flirting. I cannot speak for her (for either of you!), but here is what went on through my mind when I read your posts. She was aware you were under a lot of stress and didn’t want to add to it by being demanding, didn’t want to feel selfish and ask for you to fulfill her needs.
    And even if she’d had some flirty time with you on the phone, who’s to say that it would have been enough? I wrote about a year ago how important touch is, how I needed it. I wrote again how important it is in my 100th post not that long ago. No matter where you are, if she could feel you were emotionally unavailable because you were dealing with so much stuff, she may not have told you about her needs, to protect you from more demands. It doesn’t mean her needs disappear altogether. So maybe going to someone else to satisfy her need for touch and to feel beautiful was her way of not being selfish and trying to not burden you. She obviously failed, but well… it is a possibility to consider. At least that’s what I would do from where I stand. And I know, hindsight is 20/20, and it’s always easier to look at things when you’re not involved in them…

    I’m not even sure my ramblings will help either of you. At least they helped me :-/
    I just wish you both the best. This relationship s**t is hard, isn’t it? I have a hard time getting into it again myself after too many years of an abusive marriage. I’m trying to make a promise to myself that I will not make the same mistakes twice. That I will try and communicate better this time around.
    But it’s hard. Especially because both people have their own issues coming from different experiences.

    Best of luck to you both. What I hear behind all the hurt and the crazy outbursts is the love you have for one another. Keep working at it, you’ll find a way. At least it’s my wish for you.


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