Post Visiting Ann: The relationship talk

One of the things on our “To Do” list for my visit with Ann was to have the relationship talk.  Yeah… I wasn’t really looking forward to that one.

Ann and I have a problem, none of the general relationship statuses work for the two of us.  Monogamous, non monogamous, polyamorous, etc. No matter what we tried someone was going to start chaffing.

Open – At our distance, open makes sense and that’s what Ann needs right now.  I’m fine with open but Ann was really hurt when I went out during our open phase, which was why we switched to closed until my August visit.

Closed – A closed relationship at a distance?  Yeah, that could be problematic.  I can do closed but Ann just got out of a rough, 15 year marriage and needs her freedom.

Uneven – Ann open, me closed.  During my marriage, I was cheated on several times.  I need an honest, up front and even relationship.

So… if none of those work, what other options are there?

That’s why I wasn’t looking forward to the talk, there weren’t any obvious answers.  Our needs weren’t matching up and that put quite the dark cloud over our blossoming relationship.  The situation needed to be addressed, but… how?

While I was there in August we talked and talked about it, we went in circles.

For a while we agreed to have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but I realized that didn’t work for me.  In a “don’t ask, don’t tell” scenario there’s going to be some white lies and lies of omission.  I didn’t like that, it made me question too much and doubt isn’t something I handle well with my history.

So, we talked about it some more.

And we re-evaluated and went over it again.

As of now, we have decided to try out the uneven relationship.  Ann is open and I’m closed.  For now.

I’ve written about the problems in my marriage, the cheating and the lies.  I refuse to ever be in a situation like that again, which is why I’ve been so sensitive about even a faint whiff of inequality in my relationships.  I’m perfectly fine with being closed, even in a long distance relationship, but if we were open than I was going to use my hall pass just to keep everything equal.

But Ann isn’t Cat.

When Cat and I were open, honest with each other, we got our trust back and everything was better.  I realized that honesty is far more important to me than sex outside the relationship.  Cat being with other guys but being honest about it was far better than not being able to trust her.

Honesty and trust.

My grandmother used to send really weird gifts, she was completely out of touch with her grand kids.  When I was ten she sent me a plastic plaque with a picture of a sea gull and a Sherrilyn Kenyon quote.  It didn’t make any sense to me at the time but pops up at the strangest times as I get older.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”

So, no restrictions on Ann.  The gate is open, she can make whatever choices she wants.

sunset s

As long as Ann is honest with me, I can trust her, we respect each other, love each other, and we communicate well… being uneven could work.  It might be the only way this could work.

For now, this is the option that makes the most sense.  This isn’t a permanent solution by any means, it’s just the next thing we’re trying out.  If this gets too difficult for either of us, for whatever reason, we’ll talk about it and reevaluate.  We’re good at talking and reevaluating.

11 thoughts on “Post Visiting Ann: The relationship talk

  1. Yay, difficult, complicated relationship stuff! My favorite!

    ^Mostly sarcasm, but also, what an incredible opportunity for growth and for figuring out your own path forward and making up your own relationship model.

    • I think that’s the hardest part is getting over our preconceived ideas over what relationships are supposed to be like. Not every model works for everyone, so some flexibility can make a huge difference.

      We’re still feeling our way along but I’m sure there will be plenty of post-worthy moments along the way. 🙂

  2. Talking and keeping all lines of communication open is more important than whatever it is your relationship is at the moment.

    I have no doubt you guys will find an good balance and even if it’s unbalanced I have faith that you’ll figure it out without issues.

  3. I really enjoy reading your posts and hope that you will work out a solution that is good for both of you. I applaud you for trying an open/closed relationship but feel that if you’re going to remain apart, the relationship needs to be more equal as over time I’d be afraid that you would come to resent allowing your partner to party, while you stayed home.

  4. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be in either situation. I suppose if it were open, there are things I wouldn’t want to know. Just dating the way I am now is difficult enough when I like someone and know they are seeing other people.

  5. Pingback: The end of Johnny & Ann?! | ann st vincent

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