A little bit about sex

This post is a lot about me and my views on sex.  I’m not writing any of this to try and build myself up or put anyone down, I’m just trying to give another perspective and/or get people (mostly guys) thinking about how they approach sex.

I read a post a little earlier about a woman’s frustration over inadequate male sexual performance.  She said that most of the time the man cums and the sex is over, no matter how close (or far) the woman is from orgasm, rolls over and falls asleep.  This is not an uncommon situation based on many of the posts I’ve read.

The problem tends to be that many men place all the importance of sex on the orgasm (to a lesser degree on her having one as well, it’s an ego boost).  Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.  To a degree, in certain circumstances, I can understand this.  If you’ve been in a long term relationship for a while, busy lives, stressed, work too much, maybe throw in a couple kids, and only have limited time and energy for sex, I can see focusing on the orgasm a bit (even still, it should be mutual).  Sometimes, quickies are a lot of fun too.  Git-er-done, as  Larry the cable guy would say.

However, focusing on the orgasm means missing or ignoring everything else.  Sex isn’t a means to an end, it’s a whole experience.  Sex is fun, should be fun, a light-hearted and pleasurable way to enjoy yourself and your partner.  The orgasm is only one part of that fun.  The orgasm isn’t the only thing that feels good, sex is pleasurable before the orgasm happens.  For a guy, the orgasm means that, to a large degree, the fun is over for him, so why rush the process?  Why not enjoy the sex for as long as possible?  Prolonging orgasm usually also means it feels better when it finally happens too.  And, as a guy, even if you cum first, why is it that much of a burden to keep playing with her?  She’ll appreciate it, and an appreciative woman is a wonderful thing.

Those are only the physical arguments for not focusing on the orgasm.  The mental part is just as, if not more, important.

about sex s

I consider myself pretty unselfish in the bedroom (if I do say so myself), I always try and put my partner’s pleasure first.  Conversation is a big part of this, I want to know exactly what my partner needs and I do my best to give it to her, in spades.  When my partner has a fantastic time that’s what I enjoy the most, my orgasm is just a side benefit.

For me, a large part of this is mental.  It’s about control, I want my partner to lose all of it, for as long as possible, and be whimpering putty in my hands.  That’s what I get out of having a partner, not just an orgasm.

That mental part is so important to me that I’ve had fantastic sex and NOT had an orgasm.  Now, I couldn’t do that every time, it would drive me nuts, but infrequently it doesn’t bother me at all.

Some of those times, I didn’t cum specifically so the sex could continue longer.  My partner and I would have sex, she’d cum a few times… and we’d take a break for a while.  I hadn’t cum, so as soon as she was ready again, we went back at it.  And again.  Sure, I could have cum and then recovered but then I might not have been so motivated the second time, or the third time, eventually I would have been physically incapable of continuing.  It was about the whole experience, not immediate gratification.

Many of the other times I had sex and didn’t cum were with Cat.  She wasn’t the standard sexual partner.  She was incredibly difficult to bring to orgasm, but when she came… she came hard.  Then, she was kind of like a guy, she was so sensitive that further sex was too much for her, she wanted to roll over and fall asleep.  If I was quick she’d let me get off after her but it wasn’t uncommon for me to just pull out after she came, cuddle up with her, and fall asleep.  The sex itself, and making her cum, were the important things, so rather than making her uncomfortable after the orgasm I just stopped.  No big deal.  And she appreciated it.

All of those fun times because I didn’t dwell on that one small part of the sexual experience, le petit morte.  And I don’t feel like I missed anything because I didn’t have an orgasm.

Sex is like everything else in life, why sprint to the finish line?  Smell the roses, try new things, slow down and enjoy the process.  Besides, a very satisfied partner is going to be a hell of a lot quicker to jump back into bed with you.


13 thoughts on “A little bit about sex

  1. Johnny, you’re a legend. You need a month of solid high 5’s for showing that sex is still sex even if the guy doesn’t cum. As teenagers, us girls don’t ever think about our enjoyment in the equation. Its all about the guy and if he’s happy. Its only when we have a lover who actually enjoys our body that we realise some guys enjoy making us happy and others are just using us as a hole.

    I hope this isn’t the last sex-ed post you do – there are a LOT of men who are missing the point out there that may need some re-education.

    When you think about it, it’s a bit of an effort to get someone into bed in the first place, so why waste it with a boring 15 minute performance that would make a verrrry shitty porno?! If that’s what you’re after, your hand could solve that issue and you wouldn’t even have to leave the house!

    I can’t say I’ve never drunkenly starfished, but in my defence, I guess at that point I wasn’t really into it. There’s a lot of sex that happens from women just going along with it to make the man happy. It’s the teenager syndrome still in us. If we don’t want it, *make* us want it – show that it’s not a selfish venture, have some fun, give us some attention that isn’t just directed at our hole and create some good memories. If you do all that and she’s still starfishing, she’s too drunk or she’s a virgin!

    Great post sir, I look forward to more 🙂

  2. Brother, this is my sexual philosophy to a tee. I LOVE sex. Orgasms are great, but sex itself? That’s what’s amazing to me. You basically just described my exact methodology. In the end, it’s communication, a willingness to learn, and letting go and having fun that makes for a fantastic lover.

  3. Love the drawing of Ann. 🙂 But I disagree about the not missing anything if one doesn’t have an orgasm part. I realize you were talking about your feeling specifically… but I would feel like I had missed out if my man didn’t come. And I like to come multiple times… over and over. But just one will do if that is all there’s time for.

    • That’s one way to look at it, like you missed out if he didn’t, but in the right context it’s your partner giving you a gift. Unfortunately, in our society, women frequently give these kind of sexual ‘gifts’ to their partner but rarely receive them. For example, if you went down on your boyfriend/husband with no expectations that he return the favor… you just did something nice for him. Or if a couple has sex, he comes, and she doesn’t. But if a guy has sex with a woman, gives her a good time, and chooses not to come… that seems weird to some people, even though it’s the same thing. It’s doing something nice for someone else, that’s all.

      Though I could have clarified that these circumstances were all in long term relationships, so it wasn’t something strange and out of the blue.

  4. I agree with Marian. I would feel a bit like a failure if I couldn’t bring my man to orgasm. Working towards it is SO much fun, but I like to turn him to putty just as much as he does me. It’s a very rewarding and satisfying feeling.

    And, I would also like more sex-ed posts 🙂 However, *I* would like to hear more about what a man desires and what makes him feel sexy and wanted.

    • None of those were situations where they “couldn’t” bring me to orgasm, it was where I was doing something nice for her benefit. And all of those situations were in long term relationships, so they had plenty of other opportunities to turn me into putty, so there wasn’t a “need” to do it in every situation.

      Huh, I hadn’t thought to write anything about what a man desires or what makes him feel wanted. It’s an interesting topic though, so maybe I will write something about it.

  5. Pingback: Friday: Wherein my long distance love enters my world | ann st vincent

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