Door to door salesmen


I was out walking my dog this afternoon and noticed a flock of Mormons making the rounds in the neighborhood.  This is unfortunately common.  There is a large LDS church/school just down the road a couple miles and the neighborhoods in this area get more than their fair share of door to door missionaries.   You can see the young, student missionaries a mile away.  They are all clean cut young men, walking or biking around the neighborhoods in groups of two or three, wearing black pants, white shirts, black ties and name tags.

Going door to door for god, such are the glories of modern religion.

mormon s

In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I’m a devout agnostic.  Which, to me means that I have no clue what happens after we die (or before, or during, for that matter) and I’m keeping an open mind.  An open mind means that I interpret my experiences and try to make sense of them rather than expecting them to conform to some preconceived religious ideals.  Being in an organized religion is like walking through life with blinders on.

So, I have a big problem with most organized religions.  I also have a big problem with salesmen.

Religion + door to door sales tactics = huge pet peeve for Johnny.

Luckily for me (or them, depending on your perspective) I haven’t had the pleasure of having a perfectly nice afternoon interrupted by these zealots.  However, I have planned for just such an eventuality.

I picture myself watching TV in nothing but my boxers when I hear a polite knock on the door.  I glance out the side window and notice a couple young men in their missionary attire.  Before opening my door I make sure that my cock has ‘accidentally’ slipped through the flap in my underwear.  Then, I open the door and try to see how long I can keep a straight face while having a casual conversation with the young men.  I figure as long as it appears to be accidental and I act surprised when it’s pointed out, then I’m not likely to be charged with any crimes.  “It was an accident, officer, I swear!”

If seeing a cock doesn’t distract them from their pre-planned missionary script I have a hard time imagining what would.  A half naked woman?  Nah, that would probably make their afternoon and give them some less than holy thoughts to explore later than evening (but wait, isn’t masturbation a sin?  Yeah, how many religious folks abide by that one).

The other alternative would be being approached by these young men while walking my dog.  As I previously posted, my dog is a bit of an exhibitionist, so under those circumstances I’m confident their spiel would be interrupted by a well timed crap.

It makes me smile to imagine them trying to convert me while I nod politely and bag up a steaming pile of dog shit.

4 thoughts on “Door to door salesmen

  1. Have you seen the South Park episode about Joseph Smith and the lizard, “dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.” Believe your founder met a giant lizard who revealed texts only to him all you want… But don’t come peddling that nonsense on doorsteps like the vacuum salesman.

  2. I stopped and asked two missionaries for directions one day, not recognizing the garb right away. The gave me directions (thanks guys!), but then launched into their script, and I was caught of guard momentarily. Was I obligated to listen because they gave me directions? Because I was in a hurry to get where I was going I said “you can save it guys. I’m out of your range.” (Quizzical looks) “what do you mean “out of our range”? They asked. I replied “I’m a scientist man. I have to go. Thanks for your help!”

    I still feel like an ass for that one, but I’ve had less pleasant exchanges with missionaries in the past, so thankfully that was brief.

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