The Date… dun dun dun

The date was pretty boring, went to a coffee shop and BSed for a while.  Then her place, the sex was pretty boring too.  All in all, it was a pretty boring night.  I could go into details but… it was boring. What would be the point?

Ok, back home. Did have sex but it was an otherwise unremarkable time, not much more interesting than just staying home. Not going to bother seeing her again. Hope you’re having a good morning.”

In hindsight, it’s not the most tactful message I could have sent Ann.  On the other hand, how exactly do you tell your partner that you got laid the night before?  Especially when you know it’s going to hurt her?

Yeah, boring night, boring sex and causing deep pain to my partner…  A lot of you readers are probably thinking, “Then why the fuck did you do it?”

date s

There are a few reasons.

1.  Probably the biggest reason was that I have a serious problem with relationships that aren’t equal.  Ann had her fun in the open relationship, if she wanted to close it that was fine but I was going to have my turn first.  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be balanced.  She was hurt that I had sex but I would have resented her if I didn’t.

2.  I needed to know how I felt after being with another woman.  Would I feel good?  Would I feel bad?  Would I feel guilty?  I needed to know how I felt sleeping with another woman while being in an open relationship with Ann.  If I was all pumped up afterwards that would have told me that my relationship with Ann wasn’t as good as I thought it was.  The reverse was true, afterwards I didn’t give a shit about it and could just as easily have stayed home and watched TV.  That told me that Ann has practically ruined me for other women, not a bad thing except she lives thousands of miles away.

3.  Part of me was really hoping that this would show Ann that being open was okay.  Maybe it would prove that I could go out, have good time, and it would have no negative impact on our relationship.  I’m still the same guy, I still love her, I still pay tons of attention and heap affection on her… sex or lack therof has nothing to do with that.  She understands this in her own life but hasn’t been able to apply that to me.  She has sex and is fine with us, but she hasn’t gotten to the point where I can have sex and she’s okay with it.  I was really hoping that this would be a stepping stone toward something equitable and comfortable for both of us… it wasn’t.

So, my one sexual encounter was the catalyst for us closing our relationship.

If you’ve read Ann’s posts you’ve already seen My Blog Might Be Boring For A Bit, where Ann talks about the results of the date and our decision to close the relationship.  No more outside sex, it causes too many issues.  We both decided it was better to close for now and just work on us.

As Sharn likes to point out, nothing is set in stone and we can always open back up at some point in the future.

We’ve had a lot of talks and discussions since Saturday night.  We’ve also both been writing about it practically non-stop.  Friday the 13th I wrote about my long day while drinking (Friday the 13th), she wrote about the emotions leading up to the date (Torture and Anger), then I wrote about frustrations of online blogging and honest when Ann’s a reader (A Private Conversation), then she wrote about the closed relationship ( My Blog Might Be Boring For A Bit), I wrote about the closed relationship (A Closed Relationship)… and now I’m writing about all the pre and post date.

All of my concerns about honesty and full disclosure on this blog… well, this pretty much wraps everything up, fills in all the blanks.  This is all the big scenes over the last few days, detailed out, for better or worse, everything from my perspective.  Good, bad, ugly… sordid, not-so-graphic, frustrating, annoying, and everything in between.

I guess that’s life though, good, bad, and everything in between.

I don’t write any of this to drag up any unpleasantness from the weekend, I’m just trying to work through all of this in my own head.  Ann and I are in a good place right now, despite all the craziness this weekend, and that’s really the only thing that’s important.

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6 thoughts on “The Date… dun dun dun

  1. Yep I’m with you, even it up.
    My last relationship ended up being semi-open (he only allowed me to see girls), but he never used his opportunity. Not once. And I actually felt really awful about it because I’d prefer it to be equal.
    Half because I wanted to see him happy from sleeping with other girls as he saw how happy I was, but also so that I wouldn’t feel guilty about gallivanting around town (slight exaggeration..) while he just sat at home being bored. I was enjoying it so I wanted him to as well.

    So although it may have created some drama for you two, in the end fair is fair, and you can move on to your closed relationship with no worries and no reason to bring the past back up 🙂

    • Excellent points, thanks for bringing them up. This was actually a fairly difficult post for me to write, I felt like I was trying to justify bad behavior – even though it wasn’t really bad behavior and it didn’t require justification. I was really worried that it wouldn’t come across properly and would just reinforce the “all men are assholes” theme that’s so prevalent online.

      This was all about me trying to understand it all myself and maybe give Ann a glimpse into my head. And yes, we’re closed now on equitable footing and can move forward.

  2. I am a stickler for equality. Once things start to feel a bit unbalanced (and it’s unfair because I am only seeing MY side of things), I try to “even the score”. In some cases I think it’s okay, but I think I need to get over it if I want to have a healthy relationship.

    Also, it’s encouraging to see that there are men out there who want to try and evolve and such to make a relationship happen if they want it bad enough. Even if it means communicating about really tough things.

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one that sees equality like that. I was a little concerned that it wouldn’t come across the right way.

      Yeah, the communication angle is a little tricky for me right now. I started this blog so that I could be completely anonymous and write about whatever came to mind, sordid, goofy, deep, or otherwise. Then I met Ann through this blog and it stopped being anonymous. I’m still trying to find the right balance between open, honest communication and what I feel comfortable writing knowing that she will read it. I still need to write through all the thoughts and feelings, and to a degree it’s really good for our relationship that Ann gets this glimpse into my head, but it’s still feels really new and strangely exposed. But we’re figuring it out.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

  3. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! I got a say!!! 😉

    Not that it’s in any way shape or form important, but the message I was trying to get through was.

    I’m glad you posted this. I can see how it was hard and I felt how hard it was through your typed words. So well done for getting it out.

    Back on point, I don’t think there ever is a good way of telling one’s partner you got laid the night before. In one way, it’s kinda relieving that it was boring and not much fun because it meant that you could actually see where you stood in regards to your own feelings towards your relationship. Let’s face it, great sex even without the emotional commitment tends to throw us out a bit. I blame all those happy brain chemicals. So that it was boring I think was a bit of a blessing because you didn’t have to deal with the “other stuff”. And I think I felt that through your post.

    As it stands, I think you learnt some things about yourself and so did Ann from what I gather. None of these are a bad thing. I think the way you compartmentalise your relationships is amazing – I’m a bit jelly to be honest because for me I can’t logically separate them (unless they are just fuck buddies and i’m not emotionally invested). I think it’s why I’m so comfortable being in a triad because I get one of each who I love insanely and usually that completes my circle.

    But I’m all for the fair, I used to have an ex who was happy for me to sleep with other women and he wanted to sleep with women too. He couldn’t figure out that if he was going to ban me from fucking other men then he only got to sleep with one gender too and that was the same gender as he was – straight or not, fair is fair right? Apparently not because he couldn’t see how it really wasn’t fair on me. To be honest, I probably could have worked with him on it but it wasn’t worth my time or energy because he was being such an ass about it all.

    In your case I think you tackled the problem and consequent issues as well as you could have. You were honest, upfront and supportive. That’s all you can really be. But like you said, sometimes you guys need to just work on yourselves before trying again and honestly, I think once you guys have found your feet that you’ll probably find it’s not an issue.

    Ops, look at that, I accidently wrote an essay. Soz but not!

    • I like the essay. 🙂

      You have lots of good points and as difficult as it is to write about tough subjects it’s also really important too. I’ve recently realized what a big deal this writing is for me and Ann. I’m not a bad communicator but I don’t tend to express myself as much through talking. I like writing because it makes me think through things, figure out how to explain them, and I can take the time to really work out every word and thought. Conversations can be difficult because it’s so on-the-spot, like spit out right now, rather than thinking through it all first.

      All this writing, posting gives Ann a really detailed look inside my brain. Way more so than just talking alone. I don’t mind talking about things but the writing is so much more detailed. She doesn’t even have to ask about what’s going on in my head, it’s all laid out here.

      Ann and I are in a good place, which is awesome. And as tricky has this has all been, it’s totally worth it. She’s amazing. It sucks that we’re so far away from each other but we’re figuring it out.

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