A Closed Relationship

Ok, ladies.  You wanted honesty after my last post, here you go:

So, after only a month or so of being in our open relationship Ann and I have decided to close it.

I originally suggested the open relationship because Ann and I were still pretty new and being monogamous in a long distance relationship can be problematic.  Ann is also freshly out of her Marriage, so she’s a lot closer to her “sowing wild oats”  phase than I am.  Forcing her to be monogamous so early in the relationship would have been a terrible idea, especially since she so quickly enjoyed the benefits of being open after our trip together.

So, we tried out being open, but it was obviously creating friction between Ann and I when I used my benefits (which should be pretty apparent if you’ve read her blog over the past few days).

For me, being in a closed relationship is fairly easy since I’ve been divorced for years already.  I had my fun, now my sex drive waxes and wanes depending on my partner, no good partner means very little sex drive.  Good partner and we can fuck for days on end.  So, only having sex every 3-4 months when Ann and I see each other shouldn’t be a problem for me.

And yet… I’m more nervous for our relationship now than I was before.

Ann wrote that going closed was like lifting a weight off her back, for me it’s the opposite. We’ve just doubled the risk in our relationship and halved the reward.

monogamy s

(Monogamy… yeah, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel… it’s just a really long, dangerous road to get there)

You see, one of the reasons that I like the idea of an open relationship is it gives us a lot of flexibility.  Ann could do just about anything she wanted, so could I, and that was totally okay (for me, at least).  We committed mentally to each other but physically we could do absolutely anything and still be solid together.

It’s hard to break the rules in a relationship when there aren’t very many.  In an open relationship, don’t neglect me and be honest… that’s about it.  Only a couple rules, pretty easy to follow them.  Whereas in a closed relationship there are a lot more rules.  Now, there are lots of things we can’t do, lots of ways we could fuck it up.

Let’s say I get drunk at a work party and end up making out with a coworker.  Not likely to happen, but we’re playing the “What If…” game now.  In the open relationship I would have told Ann and it might have been weird but not that big of a deal.  But in the closed relationship, there’s a hesitation… I have to decide whether to tell her or not… whether it’s worth the risk of violating the rules and being honest.

Let’s take it a step further, we know that Ann has a big problem thinking of me with another woman, what if I slept with that coworker (even less likely)?  In the open relationship I would undoubtedly tell her and suffer the fallout, but I wouldn’t have broken any rules.  In the closed relationship, it would destroy her, I would have broken the rules and possibly lost her forever… or I could just not tell her. Do I tell her and destroy her or keep my mouth shut about the mistake?

That’s the problem with monogamy, that hesitation over whether or not to tell the other person.  Honesty is such an important part of every relationship but the more rules you impose on the relationship the more difficult it becomes to be honest and not fuck everything up.  All the rules need to be followed or irreversible harm is done to the relationship.

This is particularly difficult for me on the receiving end of the relationship.  I’ve been lied to and cheated on before, it was fucking horrible.  Before Cat and I went into our open relationship she cheated on me constantly.  She was always lying, always sneaking around, and it was probably the worst years of my life.  I couldn’t trust her, I felt completely powerless and emasculated…

And I swore I would never be in that situation again.  Never.  I deserve someone that I can trust completely and doesn’t take me for granted.

In the open relationship, it would be nearly impossible for Ann to lose me.  As long as she’s open, honest and doesn’t neglect me than that was all I needed.

In a closed relationship, I’m going to be 100% committed to her, completely honest and monogamous.  And I expect the same in return.  If she cheats or lies… that’s the ball game folks,  I refuse to be in that situation again.

Now, she knows this… which means if she slips up is she going to tell me or is she going to keep it to herself?  If she’s upfront and honest about it afterwards, that would be extremely difficult for me… I would have a really hard time trusting her after that because of my previous experience with a cheater.  But if she lies about it and I find out later… nuclear bombs would go off in my head.  Fucking done.  That’s it.  No question about it.

So, switching to a closed relationship might make Ann feel better, knowing that I’m not going to sleep around again… but for me we just stepped into my mental mine field.  One fuck up and BOOM!  We’ve just drastically lowered our odds of this working out long term.

How’s that for honesty?


7 thoughts on “A Closed Relationship

  1. I like your honesty.

    Being that I’ve been cheated on horribly too I have the same kind of mentality.

    But you know what?

    Either way your both risking loosing each other. Monogamous or open. Life throws curve balls no matter which you choose. I figure if I’m honest then it works. And as I might have mentioned to Ann, being mono now doesn’t mean that things can’t change later.

    And I’m very much the same, lie to me and I walk. I’ve been there done that and I’m never going back.

    Some risks are worth the taking, no?

    Ps the being drunk and snogging or fucking someone else is a cop out. I’ve been drunk before and not one accidentally fucked anyone I wasn’t allowed to.

    • I agree, and Ann’s right that being closed now makes sense… we’re not at a point where it wouldn’t cause problems. I’m hopeful that we can get there eventually and I’m sure that conversation will be down the road somewhere. Not because it’s needed, but because it would just be a way to expand our horizons.

      I’ve got a couple other posts on how I see relationships and being “open” that I’m working on. Ann’s seen them, so she has a pretty good idea where I’m coming from. They’ll probably go up soon. Though, no rush now since we’re not there anymore.

      She’s definitely worth the risk. I just wanted to put my cards on the table because there’s not a lot of wiggle room in a closed relationship with me.

      And the drunk fucking was just kind of silly, I’ve never done it either and can’t imagine that would be a problem. I just needed some kind of example to put in there.

      • Yeah I think it’s important to take the time and build what you have before opening it up, especially when both or either party isn’t feeling secure in it to begin with!

        Well, throw those up, I’m sure that they will help add to the foundation that you guys are building and if anything, it’s always good to be able to peer into the brain of one’s partner. Or maybe that’s just my voyeuristic streak 😉

        By definition there’s not a lot of wiggle room in mono relationships. Unless you’re both open to having a threesome every few months, etc.

        I once dated someone who wanted a mono relationship. But he was fine with me fucking as many women as I wanted with his permission. Moral of the story? It’s just about finding the right balance for you guys.


  2. I understand what you’re saying here but I mean… is it really that hard to have self control and not have relations with other people …. ?
    I’ve done long distance relationships for a while myself so I get that it’s hard and it sucks not being able to see your partner when you want but it’s just a little self control to me not to indulge

  3. I do agree with Sharn, that perhaps, now in the beginning, it is best to take the time to build up what you have, establish the foundation and then have discussions later. I think Ann was caught off guard by her own emotional reaction and just needs to have the reinforcement. Based on what you say, you are able to compartmentalize things quite well, which is why you may have an easier time of managing separate physical relationships. I have a serious issue with the lying as well which is why I want to explore options in my next relationship…. lying just breeds a whole bunch of insecurity and creates a lack of trust. I’m curious about the other open posts as it’s something I think of often, but just don’t know if I could or not. Mostly, I think that you know yourself well enough to be clear about your expectations and get your cards on the table is the best start one can hope for. If you held back on your expectations or fears of a closed relationship now, then it becomes much more foggy later on.

    I also have to agree with Sharn on another point, I’ve never just “slipped” kissing or fucking someone I shouldn’t have – it’s always been intentional. I’m not sure that I really believe in that theory that it “just happens”… there is always forethought.

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