She’s a blast.
I’ll let you in on a secret, when I use humor to describe situations with a person it’s because I’m feeling things that I have a hard time facing directly. It’s easier to use humor to deflect a feeling than it is to get serious with myself and be honest. Kind of like “Oh, I’m falling for Julie, ha ha.” Trying to treat it like a joke or something, so it doesn’t come across as serious as it is. I want to be honest, but I also don’t want to sound all grinning and dopey. It would ruin my manly image.
Over the past year or so I’ve been on many dates, but none really went anywhere interesting. Most of them, it was as much my decision as hers to stop seeing each other. There’s just too many things you can spot early in a relationship that send up red flags and you know they won’t work. I’m not one of those people that needs to be in a relationship, I’m comfortable with myself and don’t need someone else to prop me up or define me. I’m not looking for a one night stand, been there and done that, I’m looking for something serious.
So, I’ve pretty much been single for the past year. Happily. Happy, healthy, and unattached.
Then Julie came along and it was like being splashed in the face with cold water. She wakes up the parts of me that have been dormant, disinterested for the past year. I hadn’t even realized how asleep I’d been before we started talking and she swept me off my feet.
I hate using bad cliches, but it’s really hard to describe the amazing feeling when you just click with someone immediately. Warm fuzzies, maybe some butterflies, she makes me feel like a teenager, etc. Yeah, all of that. Every overused cliche, that’s what I’ve got going on right now. I see a picture of her and I want to climb through the computer screen and rip her clothes off. She sends me a text and I’m half-hard before I even read it. I mean, I’m hanging on every text or call.
Every night we send “goodnight” messages to each other. The other night I didn’t hear from her and it disappointed me. I knew it was past her bedtime (several hour time difference) and figured she just got home late. Then, instead of a text, she called me before going to bed. It made my night.
And I’m really fighting the urge to throw in some penis jokes right now, because part of my brain really wants to downplay how important she is to me. Part of me doesn’t want to believe that this person I’ve never met can impact me that deeply. I write all this down, then read it, and I’m like “Who the fuck is this dude, and what is he doing writing posts on my blog?”
This isn’t me, this isn’t who I am. What the hell is going on here? I pride myself on my control, my logic, and my independence. She challenges all of that. She disrupts the nice balance I’d reached, which is amazing and terrifying at the same time.
We’ve never even met and interacting with her shapes my days. It’s crazy. It’s fun. It’s exhilarating.