The Sex Wars of Ducks

When my daughter was about a year old, Cat and I decided to adopt some ducks.  That might sounds strange but there was a small pond in our back yard and Cat thought it needed something.  Ducks.  Why she thought ducks, I’m not sure, but she was determined that we would get a couple hatchlings, raise them and release them in our back yard.

This started off as an interesting concept.  We got a trunk, covered the top with chicken wire and picked up a couple ducklings at the pet store.  They were ridiculously cute so it seemed like a terrific idea at the time.  Little did we know about the craziness that would soon follow.

duckling Continue reading

Addressing the 2-minute man theory

There have been a whole host of blogs that have been re-posting an excerpt from Harry Fisch’s new book, The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups.  Fisch published an excerpt on Nerve talking about the frequency and quality of sex in long term relationships, which you can read here: How Often do Most Couples Have Sex?

What has gotten everyone so titillated?  Oh wait, it’s the following passages:

“An astonishing 45 percent of men finish the sex act too quickly, which is to say, within Kinsey’s conflicted two minutes. That’s pretty speedy. Way too speedy for the average woman to be able to have an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. At least five minutes, and more like seven, is usually what’s needed for a woman to be able to achieve orgasm (Personally, that statement alone demonstrates how little this dude knows bout sex.  A woman climaxes in 5-7 minutes?).

And even though the average length of the average inter-vaginal sex session is about 7.3 minutes, that’s still not particularly long, especially for women who usually take much longer than men to become aroused enough to have an orgasm (But you just said it takes 5-7 minutes for a woman to orgasm). 

So if your man is done within two minutes of things getting hot and heavy—or still not done 40 minutes later—you may want to gently broach the idea of getting a medical checkup to make sure everything’s functioning correctly. And don’t worry: As I discuss in The New Naked, if 7.3 minutes doesn’t seem like enough time for you to get the satisfaction you need, you and your partner can learn to express what you do need or want, so you both can be happy in bed and out.”  (Nerve, Fisch) Continue reading

Naked Thursday #7

For all of you noobs, you can read the explanation and previous posts on the Naked Thursday page.

There are some things that work out well on Naked Thursday, other things not so much.

One of those things that works well is watching TV.

Naked TV

Ladies, in case you didn’t know this, men are obsessed with their dicks.  They’re also obsessed with TV.  Watching TV on Naked Thursday incorporates both their favorite past times into one; playing with their penises and the remote.  AT THE SAME TIME! Continue reading

Rape kit

A few weeks ago I was invited to go camping with a few friends.  I already had most of the things I needed but there were a few items I needed to pick up before leaving.  So, I made up a list and went to the department store.

I wandered through the aisles, picking out all the various items I needed.  I already had the tent and sleeping bag but I needed rope to tie up the tarp and a few smaller things like that.  Into the cart they went.

Then, I saw the sale on running shoes.  Not sure if you noticed in previous posts, but I’m a frequent runner and absolutely addicted to running shoes.  I never give women a hard time about her shoe collection because I have quite the collection going myself.  They might not be fashionable pumps but my shoe rack is over flowing with neon colors and racing stripes.

So, sale on running shoes?  Couldn’t pass that up.  I found a nice new pair and threw them in the cart too.

Finally, I got everything together and went up to the cashier.  Standing in line I reviewed my items: Continue reading

Made my morning

I had an humorous experience this morning and thought I should share it.

I had a few errands to run around town and wasn’t really feeling it.  When I need a little pick-me-up I like to play my work out mix in the car really, really loudly.  I roll down all the car windows, bang my head at the stop lights, hang my arm out the window and generally pretend I’m an obnoxious rock star cruising for babes.  It gets the blood pumping.

One of my errands was to get a card for my nephew.  He just finished a charity walk for Multiple Sclerosis and I needed to send him my donation.  He also brought in way more money than he did the year before, so some congratulations were in order.

I was in the middle of town headed toward Longs for the card.  Just before Longs there was a four-way stop.  As I pulled up I noticed a beautiful young woman standing on the corner by the new Whole Foods that has the yuppies all excited.

She was a pretty brunette in a tank top and a long flowing dress.  She had the kind of yuppy/hippy look of the customers I usually see coming out of Whole Foods but I was willing to forgive her grocery choice since she was cute. Continue reading

One Track Blog

Are all of you readers (all two of you)  tired of me being starry-eyed over Ann yet?  It’s basically been a week of constant posts about Ann (Yup, every post except for Naked Thursday).  She’s amazing and it’s really easy to just write sappy post after sappy post.

flowers and shit s

And yet… I’m feeling a little disgusted with myself.  Usually this nausea comes from reading other people’s smoochy-cute blogs, this is worse since I’m writing it.

Right now, I feel like I’m at risk of going all soft and fuzzy if I don’t write something moderately offensive (Have you ever heard of a Brazilian Flapjack?).  I mean, my street cred has got to be rapidly dropping with each amorous word.  My testosterone levels are probably falling, my balls are probably receding and my manliness might be justifiably questioned after the Nicholas-Sparks-like posts I’ve been putting up.

Something must be done.

This is like the Global Warming of my blogging world.  The balance of the Johnny Id Universe has been thrown off and something drastic must be done to right the scales. Continue reading

That Awkward Moment – Sex

Cant finish s

I have a pretty standard morning routine, which typically means a little entertaining myself in the shower.  If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, you probably should go back to your transformers blog or something.

The shower routine starts the day out with a smile and after my recent trip with Ann I have quite a few pleasant memories to reminisce about.

One particular memory inspired me this morning.  Later on I was messaging with Ann, trying to figure out how to explain the memory, and realized I should just write about it instead. Continue reading

Naked Thursday #6

For those of you unfamiliar with Naked Thursday, read the first post.

There are some things that go well with Naked Thursday, other things not so much.

Naked pets

One of the things that doesn’t go so well is giving your cat a bath.  This really should be self explanatory, but I’ll lay it out in case the obvious eludes you.

Cats have claws.  Cats don’t like water.  If you try and put said cat into said water, they will use said claws to rend any flesh within reach.  And if you are naked because it’s Naked Thursday, there were be lots and lots of flesh to rend. Continue reading

The Letters We Left Behind


Ann pt 1 – Ann pt 2 – Ann pt 3 – Ann pt 4 –  Ann St Vincent and I live thousands of miles apart.  Until Ann and I met, we were writing about each other using pseudonyms, Ann’s was Julie.  Then, we flew to a central location and spent five days together.

letters s

Dear Hotel Room Neighbors,

I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to meet face to face this weekend, in the hallway or during breakfast.  I’m sure you’re a nice couple and it would have been fun to go grab a glass of wine some night or laugh over some quiche in the morning.  Well, you’re either a nice couple or you’re a creepy, single dude, but I choose to believe the former.

Anyway, I wanted to apologize for the terrible way the hotel rooms are laid out.  As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the headboard of our bed is directly up against the wall of your room, probably headboard-wall-headboard.  Every time Ann and I started to get into it the headboard would thump into the wall, quite loudly, right next to your own sleeping heads.  10 pm, around midnight, and 3 o’clock in the morning.  Then again at 4 o’clock in the morning.  And I think we pulled a double header around eight.  Hours and hours at a time.

Understandably, you couldn’t have gotten much sleep last night.  Or for the previous four nights, really.  The constant sex, sounds of pleasure, slamming headboards and slapping bodies would really put a crimp into your own sleeping schedule for the five days that we were neighbors. Continue reading

Ann pt 4

Ann pt 1 – Ann pt 2 – Ann pt 3 –  Ann St Vincent and I live thousands of miles apart.  Until Ann and I met, we were writing about each other using pseudonyms, Ann’s was Julie.  Then, we flew to a central location and spent five days together.

69 calories sm (This became a running joke for Ann and I after we read a Men’s Health article that said men burn 100 calories in 25 minutes of sex, women burn 69.) Continue reading