Julie and I were having a discussion about sex toys the other day and it made me wonder. I’ve used toys with partners, and my ex had a couple vibrators, but I’d never thought about buying one for myself. There had to be some made specifically for men, right? I was curious, so I googled “male sex toys”.
The first two results were the sites Fleshlights and Adam and Eve, but then the third was for Ebay.
I looked at the link a little closer. People were selling their used sex toys on Ebay.
Now, this whole situation totally boggled my mind. What would inspire a person to put their used sex toy on an auction website? I mean, maybe if it was some famous chick selling her used vibrator there’d be some creepy dude out there that would shell out some big bucks for it. That would be weird, but maybe understandable in some disturbing way. But that wasn’t what was going on, it was totally ordinary people selling their old sex toys online.
What, er… huh. Maybe… no. Uh, I think… possibly? Nope. I just don’t understand any of this situation. Why would anyone expect to get money for their old sex toys? Why would someone go on Ebay and look for used sex toys? Neither side of the equation makes any sense.
I mean, even if they’re bleached and in “like new” condition… Eeeewwwwww. The thought makes my skin crawl. That’s like sleeping on sheets that someone just fucked in. Or a used condom. Or a used tampon. Or a pair of used panties. Ok, maybe that last one is a bad example, I’ve heard used panties actually sell well (especially in Japan). Some guys are fucking disgusting.
So, what’s the moral of the story? I don’t know, people are gross? People are crazy?
All of this drama and I didn’t even find any male sex toys on the legitimate sites that looked interesting. There were really only three different types; fleshlights, anal probes, and penis pumps. None of those looked particularly appealing. Why is it that ladies get all the fun toys? Where’s the super-orgasmatron 3000 for men? I’m still waiting on those Japanese to perfect the sex robot.
I suppose it’s actually a good thing that there aren’t any amazing sex toys for men, or sex robots, it would doom the human race. The only reason we continue from generation to generation is because nothing feels even close to as good as pussy. You can add fifteen levels of vibration, blinking LEDs, and flesh-like rubber, but it’s just never going to be as fan-fucking-tastic as the real thing. And if someone invents something that is better? Yeah, human race doomed.
Although, if we’ve stooped to the level of selling used sex toys, maybe we’ve reached that point where we’d be better off extinct.