Sex Toys on Ebay


Julie and I were having a discussion about sex toys the other day and it made me wonder.  I’ve used toys with partners, and my ex had a couple vibrators, but I’d never thought about buying one for myself.  There had to be some made specifically for men, right?  I was curious, so I googled “male sex toys”.

The first two results were the sites Fleshlights and Adam and Eve, but then the third was for Ebay.

Ebay?

I looked at the link a little closer.  People were selling their used sex toys on Ebay.

box of dildoes Continue reading

New Relationship Category


One of the most frustrating things about being a divorced, single guy is being asked my relationship status.  If any of you readers are “single” and/or “divorced” then you probably know what I mean.  Just saying “single” or “divorced” is depressing.  I have those two options, and they’re both terrible.

single - divorced

If I tell people I’m divorced, I get one of two reactions; “What the fuck is wrong with you that caused a divorce” or pity, “Oooh, you poor broken man.”

A) There’s nothing wrong with me, my ex and I grew apart and amicably divorced.  We have a great friendship and communicate regularly.

B) The divorce getting finalized was one of the best days of my life.  I had this new opportunity to explore life and start new relationships.

So, not fucked up, and not broken.

What about calling myself “single”? Continue reading

Sex and Marriage are for Procreation?


One of the new trends in the homophobic, fundamental, conservative groups around the US is to use “procreation” as a justification to avoid giving homosexuals the right to marry.  They claim that Marriage is purely about procreation and since homosexuals cannot procreate they should not be allowed to marry.

That’s the biggest piece of BS I’ve heard in a long time.  And yet the argument has somehow made it to the US Supreme Court.

What does marriage have to do with procreation?  Absolutely nothing.  Justices, you heard it here first.

What?  Yeah, you read it.  Marriage and procreation are two totally different things, completely and utterly unrelated.

I’m not an expert on marriage vows, but I pretty sure there’s nothing in there that says “And I will impregnate you with my sperm.  The spermatozoa will travel from my penis into your uterus and fertilize your eggs.  Our chromosomes will join together and that egg will grow and multiply for the next 9 months until a child is born of our union.”

Marriage = Procreation?  That is stupid on so many levels. Continue reading

Julie Fucks Me


Julie is an amazing woman.  I’ve written about her a few times now because she is just so much fun.  We’ve had phone sex, funny conversations, and she’s even influenced the many Art of Seduction posts I’ve done.  She’s just amazing.

The thing about Julie is that she keeps up with me.  That might sound odd, but we play well together, we have excellent banter.  It’s been such a long time since I’ve had anyone that was smart, got my humor, appreciated it, and throws it right back at me.  We live so far away from each other, all we have is the communication to go off of, but it amazes me that we click so well and we’ve never met.

Julie fucks

I’ve seduced her a couple of times over phone, chat, and text.  I get her so worked up and then play with her in words, make her cum.  Seducing women is my bread and butter, that’s my zone, my art, it’s what I do.  A woman’s gasping moans are like a symphony to my ears; I’m the conductor, my words or my body bringing rhythm and melody to the different instruments, bringing them to a crescendo.

It’s not often that I’m seduced.  Usually I’m the conductor, I’ll play back and forth but I’m always very in control of myself.  Julie has managed to take that control away on a couple of occasions.  That’s quite a feat in and of itself. Continue reading

Talk Clean to Me


When I’m bored I check the WordPress posts tagged with “sex”, I can usually find something amusing, entertaining, or offensive.

I recently found this blog, Sierra Parker, that seems to be dedicated to promoting male chastity to increase intimacy in relationships.

This sounded unique, which made it interesting, so I checked it out.

It looks like the author’s theory is that some men are so focused on the physical aspect of sex that they don’t experience any other kind of intimacy in a relationship.  So, if he becomes chaste he’ll have to focus on everything else instead of himself.  She encourages physical closeness, even being sexual with your partner, but discourages the male orgasm.

She even mentions chastity belts that make arousal painful for men so that they avoid even thinking about sex or masturbation.

This is an interesting theory and might actually help some relationships.  I could see guys that are so focused on getting their rocks off they don’t learn to enjoy the other aspects of a good relationship.

sexy-doctor-kI’m pretty sure Sierra Parker looks like this.

But the problem was, reading her blog was getting me all hot under the collar.  Despite using more clinical terms like ejaculation, penis, clitoris, vagina, she was describing sex tips. Continue reading

Naked Thursday #2


For those of you unfamiliar with Naked Thursday, read the first post.

There are some things that are good to do on Naked Thursday, other things not so much.

Naked walking dog

For example, one of the things that has to be done with some tact is walking the dog.

You need to pick and choose the times of day to take the dog out very carefully.  If you go too early or too late you will end up sharing the sidewalk with the exercise types walking or running.  After they see you, definitely running.

You would think that those exercise types would be more open to the expression of the naked human body.  Nope.   Naked bloggers walking their dog?  They don’t appreciate that much.  Maybe it’s the Cheetos-Bud lite-Mountain Dew belly.  Maybe it’s the lack of proper grooming or hygiene.  Or maybe it’s just your floppy dong dangling in the suburban breeze.

For any of those many reasons, they won’t like what they see.  Especially if they are equipped with a running stroller and a couple kids.

Mentally prepare yourself for a face full of mace and the cops getting called.

 

If you have any suggestions for things you’d like to see featured on Naked Thursday leave a comment below.

Cougar Hunting


Not too long ago, I pondered my dating experience.  I was trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong, why nothing I tried seemed to work out.

All the chicks I’d been dating were young, fun, sexy, smart (some more so than others, unfortunately), but they were also fucking crazy.  Either they wanted babies, or to change me, or marriage, or bar hopping every night, or wanted to mess my life up as bad as they have theirs.

It was making me question my sanity.  I mean, if every chick I date is nuts, maybe I’m actually the crazy one and everyone else is normal.  Maybe they should be setting me up for the padded room for thinking I should be able to find a quiet, confident, sane, mature, smart, sexy woman.  Am I setting my standards impossibly high?  Should I settle for a fucked up chick instead of whiling away the hours writing on a stupid blog, that no one reads, about things that very few people think is entertaining?

And then I thought about it some more and realized that I’m not nuts, I’m just stupid.  After days of pondering all these questions I came up with my Awesome, Epic Theory of Adult Maturity.

When I plugged my numbers into the Awesome, Epic formula I came up with this:

30 (age up to thirty)+10 (Length of longest LTR)+8 (Child’s age) = 48

That is an exceptionally high maturity level for my age, 32.  So, all of these problems I’ve had with dating were because my maturity level is astronomically higher than most women my age.  Our ages might be similar, but our life experiences are totally different and we’re looking for very different things. Continue reading

The Art of Seduction pt 3


Alright, so you’ve sent the girl of your dreams a photo of your cock (The Art of Seduction pt 1).  You’ve sent her an amazing first email (The Art of Seduction pt 2).  Excellent, you’re well on your way to meeting the woman of your dreams.

After that first email, the two of you exchanged a few more until you decided that it’s time to meet in person.


awkward

This is a critical time, you’ve gotten her interest piqued but you really need to make a good first impression.  She liked your cock shot, she liked your emails, so she’s hooked but you can still screw this up if you don’t follow some simple guidelines.

The first rule of dating is not “don’t talk about dating”, it’s brush your fucking teeth.  Before anything else, choosing your best sexy wear, before choosing a romantic location, before sticking the expired condom in your wallet, if you don’t have amazing breath you will never hit first base.  And first base is important because if you’re good you can steal second and maybe third before she catches on.

Ok, you brushed your teeth, now it’s time to get dressed.  Wear clothes that are age appropriate, fit properly, and most importantly don’t represent any of the various gangs in your area.  I mean, how embarrassing would that be if the two of you show up in rival gang colors?  So, neutral colors like black and gray are advisable. Continue reading

Creeped the Fuck Out


As a kid I loved Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.  Up until a couple nights ago, I would fondly remember the show whenever it was brought up.  Now, all of those happy memories are ruined.  I was watching a special on PBS, when the show was over the following video came on:

I’m not entirely sure why this “remix” creeps me out so badly, but it does.  Maybe it’s the talk of cat eyes glowing in the dark.  Maybe it’s the eerie auto-tuned voice.  Or maybe it’s something about his eyes staring into my soul, then the rapid repeating of scenes, but I feel like Mr. Rogers is trying to fuck with my head.  I get the distinct impression that if you play the song backwards you might hear the voice of the devil.  The devil speaking with the voice of Bill Hicks.

Yeah, thanks PBS for ruining my childhood hero.  And my chance at a straight eight hours of sleep tonight.

A Funny Conversation


I’m not usually one of those guys that posts text conversations, but this one was just too funny not to record.  It’s between me and Julie (a la, Long Distance Friends With Benefits).

man and woman texting

 

Johnny

I just stopped at my favorite Korean corner store on the way home.  I’ve been going there for two years.  Today, I noticed they have a huge rack in the corner full of DVD porn.  Huge rack.  Two years, just noticed it today.

What?

Yeah, tripped me out.  Did a double take right there in the store.

Can’t imagine any sells with the internet availability.

In a store that caters to impulse purchases, alcohol, and late nights?  I bet they do very well.

Lol, perhaps yes.

Stop there after a rough night at the bar, go home alone or go home with XXX?  Easy choice.  It’s probably a good thing I never noticed, I’d have a collection going.

 You like porn?  Anything in particular?

Mostly lesbians.  I have a theory that heterosexual porn is directed by gay guys.  They spend almost the whole time focused on dick.  I don’t watch porn to see dick, I watch for the chicks… and thus lesbian porn is my preference.

A fun side note: that was really annoying to write because my phone kept changing dick to Rick.

Lol, I watch porn to see Rick.

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