I’m in the middle of going through these ancient boxes filled with all this shit that Cat and I accumulated over 10 years together, trying to sort the wheat from the chaff. A lot of stuff is simply being thrown out, the questionable stuff I put aside to ask Cat if she wants it (I’m an asshole, but not that bad). My living room is an ocean of piles, boxes, bags, and papers. My dishes are piled up in the sink and the refrigerator is almost empty. For dinner tonight? Tuna salad made with tuna, salt, and old mustard (I was out of mayo) on dry toast. Yeah, whoopee. The sheer number of things that need to be done tends to demoralize me to the point of being unable to do anything.
I was looking around my disaster of a home today and had this urge to write a Craigslist ad. I wrote it out in my head, completely serious, before throwing out the idea because… well, you’ll see. I thought it was great but could also understand why it might be taken the wrong way. At the very least, I think it’s funny.
Cook, maid, and/or girlfriend wanted:
As a single, busy, working professional (that’s also lazy) I find myself in a curious predicament. I need someone to help clean up my tiny home, performing general tasks like vacuuming, dishes, and straightening up. Occasionally, larger jobs such as sorting through boxes of random old souvenirs/photos/nick-knacks might also be required. I am also interested in someone to plan, purchase groceries, and cook healthy meals. Groceries will not come out of your pay, I will provide a weekly allowance for the expense. I don’t eat dairy, gluten, or anything processed, unless I have no food in the fridge. When the fridge is empty I frequent fast food places. You can see why having healthy food available is required to maintain my sanity, manly figure, and digestive track. Therefore, a person who can perform both duties of chef and maid will be given priority.
The hours are flexible, as long as the house has been maintained in decent cleanliness and food has been prepared the rest of your time is yours to do with as you will. This could be an ideal situation for a student or anyone else requiring flexible hours.
Pay: you would think that being a busy, working professional I would be able to provide decent pay for services rendered by the above. However, that is not the case. Payment would be eating half of the food (which I would pay for) and a place to sleep that is clean (you have cleaned it). A comfortable couch will be your bed, the living room your bedroom, specifics can be worked out at a later date (I don’t have a comfortable couch at this exact moment but will be purchasing one in the near future, it will not be deducted from your pay). The other option for sleeping arrangements would be sharing my queen-sized bed, which leads me to my final point…
A girlfriend who could provide the above services requested as maid and cook could look forward to food, lodging, and any sexual services requested as payment. Providing sex is not a requirement for the cook/maid position, rather it is a payment I would provide in addition to the food and lodging if that is something that appeals to you. It would also make sleeping arrangements on my queen sized bed much more comfortable for the both of us if you choose that option.
If this proposition appeals to you respond with “maid”, “chef”, “chef/maid”, or “girlfriend” in the subject line so that I will know you are not a bot and which position you would like to apply for.
Serious inquiries only.
I was really, really tempted to post that ad. Half of me wanted to post it just for fun, and half of me was really, really curious what kind of response it would get.