Moving to Blogger


I was planning on making this move tomorrow but it seems like that’s about a day too late.  So, I’m moving up the plan to tonight.

It has been a wonderful 6 months on WordPress, I’ve read and interacted with many fantastic bloggers during my time here but it’s time to move back to my old stomping grounds.

WordPress makes connecting with other bloggers really, really easy… which is both good and bad.  It’s awesome to meet other writers who are in similar situations, that write about similar things, share ideas and whatnot.  On the other hand, the more people you connect with, the more people in your life, the more time it takes to keep and maintain those relationships.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that.

My problem is that for the last year I’ve been actively simplifying my life and removing complications.   I’m trying to focus on improving myself, using my time more productively.  I got rid of my TV because it wastes too much time.  I avoid social media in all it’s forms.  I would have deleted my Facebook account years ago except I have friends that only communicate there.

I have time every day that could be used for working out, meditating, writing, painting, martial arts, playing music and engaging in my many various hobbies, activities.  There are so many things that I want to DO with my life, why waste time on internet, tv, twitter or WordPress?  Sure, writing is important but WordPress makes it too easy to get sucked into all of the things except writing.  Blogger is far more straightforward.  It’s a far more misanthropic site, which is good for me right now.

The switch also helps me avoid the temptation to check up on what Ann’s doing.  I’m good with her doing what she needs to do, that doesn’t mean I want to read about it in detail.  It also gives her the space to write about whatever she wants without concerning herself with me reading it.

So, those of you interesting in following the future exploits of Johnny Id can jump over to http://idsredbook.blogspot.com/

I’ll leave this blog up for a while, just so I don’t lose everything I’ve already written and the links to and from this blog still work.  I’m just deleting the login information and won’t be signing in anymore.

There are many of you that I will miss interacting with on a daily basis.  Don’t be a stranger.  Feel free to drop me a line on my contact me page or at idsredbook@gmail.com.

I hate goodbyes, so this is just a “see you later”.  Preferably with a stiff drink in hand.

Johnnyid3cr

What is blogging?


“Blog” is short for “Web-log”, an online log book.  For most of us it’s a kind of journal, a place to share recent events in our lives or what we’re thinking about.

So that’s what a blog is, maybe the more interesting question is why do we do it?  I mean, it’s one thing to have a journal or a friend to talk to, but why publish all of this?  Why put our inner most thoughts, feelings and experiences out there for the whole world to see?

Each of us probably have our own reasons.

For me, my blog is like a best friend, a journal, a collection of short stories and essays, and a therapist all rolled up into one.  Some stuff I just write for fun, other stories I write to record a memory, but the real stories are the most important.

I’ve often said that I don’t care how many people read my blog, I write only for myself.  I don’t care about approval or stats.  For me, it’s the publishing, not the reading, that’s important.  I’ll explain.

If I was writing a journal I’d probably be recording events and how they made me feel.  I wouldn’t have to get in depth or explain why I felt that way.  But if I’m publishing the story I have to sort through the scene, explain the characters and motivations, figure out how to explain the actions and reactions in a way that makes sense to someone who wasn’t actually there.

In other words, writing a post that’s going to be published forces me to be more introspective in my writing.  When I get introspective I understand it better myself, I process it more thoroughly.

For the really difficult stories mentally and emotionally, the more processing I have to do, the better.  I figure it out, write it down and let go of it.  It’s like a weight that gets lifted off my mind.  I break it all down, sort it out, figure out what’s important and what isn’t, write it down and let it go.

So, it doesn’t matter how many people read it, just that people can read it.

That’s why I web-log.  It is also why it doesn’t bother me to switch back to blogger where there are far fewer readers, commentators, and the bloggers are fewer and farther between.  Sure, the support and feedback is nice but that’s not why I blog.

Lone Saturday Night


I’m trying really hard not to be bummed out tonight.  It’s not working.  It’s been a long, emotional week with lots of ups and downs.  On any other Friday or Saturday night after a rough week I’d have a couple glasses of wine or a couple beers to dull the edges but this week I decided to abstain.  Completely.

The unfortunate side effect of abstaining is that I’m really, really bored.  I’m bummed out and bored.  I got a ton of errands done today, kept myself pretty busy, but it’s early evening and I have run out of things to occupy my time.  Sure, I could go out… but what evening activity on the weekend doesn’t involve copious amounts of alcohol?  I can even here the band playing at the bar down the block from here.  Ah, the sirens call.

So, I’m sitting in my apartment, alone, listening to my dog huff in her sleep and playing around on the internet.  I hate playing around on the internet.  It makes me feel like I’m a bored, bummed out loser with absolutely no life.  Which only reinforces the fact that I don’t have much of a life right now.

I mean, how much can I masturbate in a single night before I go blind?

Bummed, bored, and blind.

The little victories


You know it’s been a rough week when I feel like dancing just because I got to do my dishes.

One of the many, many issues that I’ve had over the past week is that my kitchen sink decided to suddenly stop draining.  At all.  That might not be such a big deal except I don’t have a dish washer or anywhere else to do my dishes.  No clean dishes means no cooking.  No cooking means no healthy food to eat, and as I don’t eat gluten or dairy it’s really hard to find anything processed to eat.  Hardly any food and no healthy food means it’s really hard to maintain a decent blood sugar level.

One clogged drain led to a cascade of failures that was making life incredibly difficult. Continue reading

#TeamAJ – Just Friends


This morning I kind of gave Ann an ultimatum.  I felt like we were in relationship limbo and couldn’t stand it anymore.  I told her I wanted to figure out a way to move forward, I was sitting at the negotiating table and needed to know whether she was going to sit down or walk away.  She agreed to talk about it over the phone this evening.  She wrote A short list of desires about what she wants and what she needs.  At the end of the post you can see her internal tug-of-war over the our discussion.

All day I was sweating, I knew what was going to happen.

Ann was going to do the right thing and dump me.

I totally deserved it.  If you read her post My Biggest Heart Break, you’ll know that just before their marriage her ex dumped her, they got back together but she was devastated and she never looked at him the same.  She regretted not listening to her gut and leaving him then, she never wanted to make that mistake again. Continue reading

Words and dreams


Three nights ago I had a strange dream.  I was chatting with Ann and suddenly all the words turned into gibberish.  I’d try to write something and it wouldn’t make any sense, she would respond with something that doesn’t make any sense.  “Purple rhinoceros box kicked flute”.  The dream was so vivid that I was absolutely positive that when I checked my phone in the morning it would show evidence that I’d been sleep texting all night.  There wasn’t.

Last night I was chatting with Ann and we reached a special place.  We both bared everything, exchanging really long messages and stories.  We were full of humility, understanding, and forgiveness.  It felt we finally found common ground and really connected again on a deeper level.  It felt really, really good.

Then I woke up.  My phone was empty.

I can’t help but think that my subconscious was trying to give me a clue.  It’s as though there were special words in the dream that would make everything better if I could just remember them, but like all dreams as soon as I woke up the words got all blurry.  

Retroactive Conversion


I had a long phone call with Ann the other night.  We’re still sorting through injuries, it’s kind of hard to see the forest for the trees right now but we’re talking.

We were trying to figure out why everything was fine then suddenly wasn’t.  I went from 0-60 almost immediately.  There wasn’t any build up, where did it come from?  There weren’t any warning signs, it was like the ground just dropped out from under my feet.

I didn’t communicate better because it caught me off guard as much as it did her.  So, we’re trying to understand it.

Basically, I was completely fine with where we were until she went out with another guy (do I need to remind you that it’s not about sex?).   There were a hundred little things over the previous month but I was okay with them, they were completely understandable and acceptable at the time.  I thought we had a solid foundation, rationale, and everything made sense.  Then, suddenly it didn’t. Continue reading

Rough few days


Probably the most interesting part of yesterday was seeing the various commentary on different posts.  There are quite a few people who seem really eager to paint me with a variety of vulgar colors.  Some of them even quoted parts of my posts and tried to analyze me.  Most believe that the sex was the problem… which indicates their one dimensional outlook on relationships and a complete ignorance of most everything I’ve written.

So, let me make this abundantly clear IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.

Let me put it this way, our relationship status is a perfect analogy;  Ann open, me closed.  That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Continue reading

Drink, F up, I’m a dumb ass


Three posts have been redacted.  I made some really stupid decisions, did some really stupid things, wrote some dumb stuff.  I’m a dumb ass.  A really, really dumb ass.

Rather than just deleting the posts and pretending that I’m not a dumb ass, I’m going to make sure you know I’m a dumb ass without celebrating it.  I’m simply a dumb ass and wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

I’m a dumb ass.  I’m a dumb ass.  I’m a dumb ass.  I’m a dumb ass.  I’m a dumb ass.   Continue reading

Post Visiting Ann: The relationship talk


One of the things on our “To Do” list for my visit with Ann was to have the relationship talk.  Yeah… I wasn’t really looking forward to that one.

Ann and I have a problem, none of the general relationship statuses work for the two of us.  Monogamous, non monogamous, polyamorous, etc. No matter what we tried someone was going to start chaffing.

Open – At our distance, open makes sense and that’s what Ann needs right now.  I’m fine with open but Ann was really hurt when I went out during our open phase, which was why we switched to closed until my August visit.

Closed – A closed relationship at a distance?  Yeah, that could be problematic.  I can do closed but Ann just got out of a rough, 15 year marriage and needs her freedom.

Uneven – Ann open, me closed.  During my marriage, I was cheated on several times.  I need an honest, up front and even relationship. Continue reading